"Katara! Please.", Yongguk didn't knew what to do. I was hyperventilate. I couldn't breath.
"Katara...please! Calm down. Try to breath!", he was holding me in his arms. He tried to calm me down but he failed.
"Breath! Damn it, breath I said!", he yelled. At least this worked. I stopped gasping for air , but I didn't stoped crying.

"Umma, why?", I cried. Yongguk didn't said a thing. He was holding me tight in his arms.
"WHY?", I screamed and burst into sobs. Yongguk began to swing us to lightly. "Psh...", he whispered. He continued swinging us lightly while I was crying.

After hours I stopped crying finally. 
"I didn't noticed a thing.", I whispered. 
"It's not your fault.", said Yongguk.
"She could have tell me everything."
"It's not your fault."
"Why has she done that?", I asked. More myself than Yongguk.
"I don't know.", he whispered.
"We always managed things together...even if it was very hard." I said. "But now everything was ok! We worked hard and step by step we payed the bills...I don't get why...why she did...it." I couldn't speak the word out loud.
"We were fine!", I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I already cried to much.

"I'm alone.", I whispered.
"No, you're..."
"Yes, I am!", I interrupted him. I got out of his handle and tried to stay on my weak legs.
"My father is in prison...my brother is dead, and my mom...she left me too.", I sobed without any tear.
"I'm alone! I have no one anymore.", I fell on my knees.
"Why does this happen to me? Why do I have to suffer so much?", I continued sobbing.

Suddenly Yongguk grab my shoulders and hold them tight, then he shook me that I can go back to my sense.
"Listen!", he said in a firm tone. "You.Are.Not.Alone.", with every word he shooked me a bit.
"I am and I will always be on you side, did you get that?!", he asked still in a firm tone.
"You won't leave me?", I asked. I couldn't believe that. I couldn't believe anything in this moment. Everyone left me from my family. So why should he stay?
"I will never leave you!" he said. I couldn't look into his eyes, so he forced me to. I looked in these beautiful sad eyes while he said:
"I will never leave you! I couldn't even leave you. I love you to much for leaving you. I'm to selfish for leaving my love."
I took his face with my both hands. "Thank you.", I whipered and kissed him. "I love you.", he whispered. "I love you too.", I whispered back.


Yongguk helped me to clean the floor and stayed a while. We both sat down on some chairs. We didn't wanted to sit on the place, where Umma...
"Do you..", he began, but then stopped.
"Do I want what?", I asked him. I wasn't curious but I wanted him to continue. I didn't like the silence in this moment,
"D-do you want to visit her?" I knew that he was talking about my mom. "I-I mean...because the doctors have to..."
"No, I don't want to visit her." I whispered. "Not now."
He took my hand and hold it tight. "It's to painful now."
"Arasso.", he nodded and looked at his watch.
"Katara.", he said. After he didn't continued I looked at him. His face was sad and very tired.
"You have to go home.", I said. I wasn't a question but he nodded. "I bring you to the door." We stood up and I opened the door.

"I'll come tomorrow morning.", he said.
"You can't you have school tomorrow.", I whispered.
"We have vacations now.", he reply.
"Oooh...yes, you're right." I tried to smile but failed badly. With his right hand he liftet my chin.
"Take care of yourself until I come tomorrow, arasso?", he looked into my eyes. "I will."
When he was about to go, I grabed his wrist. He turned around and looked into my eyes. They were full with tears.
"Please..." I whispered. "Don't go."
"But Katara..."
"I'm scared." The hand with which I was holding his wrist began to shake. "Please, stay here tonight."

I could see in his eyes that he was fighting with himself. There were so many reasons why he shouldn't sleep here in my house. First, I was alone. Second, he was my boyfriend. Third, if anyone would see us, we would get in trouble.
But in this moment I didn't cared. I just wanted him on my side. I wanted his heat and love.

"Where do I sleep?", he asked.
"With me.", I answered.
"In your bed?", he asked a bit overwhelmed. I nodded.
"You can't sleep in my mothers room, neither in the couch where she..." I stopped and looked at the ground. Trying not cry.
"I sleep on the ground.", he said. He took my hand and closed the door behind him.

While I was putting the covers and pillows on the ground he decided to go in the bathroom and to take a bath.
When I was about to change my uniform into my sleeping clothes I saw something on my bed.
A letter and one big brown envelope.
*What's that?*, I asked myself took them out of my bed. When I opened the letter, I felt like my heart was stopping to beat. 
"Ummas handwriting.", I whispered. With shaking hands I began to read.



Katara,
when you read this letter, I'm not anymore here on earth.
I know that this is and also will be a very hard time for you. I want you to know why I commit sucide.
Katara, we had to many problems for paying the debt back. We worked so hard, but I knew one day we wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. Mianhae.
When you asked me if these condoms were mine, you were right. I offer myself to get more money. I'm a shameful woman and mother. Mianhae.
An other reason why, is that I miss Youngjae so much Katara. Since his death I wasn't myself anymore. I couldn't be happy or laughing anymore, like we used to do together when he was alive. There was was such a big emptiness in my heart and life, I couldn't handle it anymore. Miahnae.
But the main reason was your father.
Katara, he wrote me a letter one month ago. He said that he will come and kill us. He is the reason why I couldn't sleep at night anymore. Why I was screaming all night long. I couldn't walk, eat, neither thinking. He was the only one who was on my mind. I almost got crazy.
I tried to figure out, how we both could live without fear. But there was no way for us Katara. There was only a way for you. 
With the money I earned and the money you gave me to pay our debts, I bought a new passport and a plane ticket to Japan. You'll have a whole new identity. Your name, won't be Park Katara anymore. You'll finde the ticket and the passport in the brown envelope.
But for not being found of your father or anyone else you have to do something.
You have to burn our house.
Your father has definitily some persons who will be able to find you because of our house. Our house is full with bills of many factorys. They all have our adresse. If he wants, he can get it easily.
You have to burn the whole house, with the bills for not being found, Katara!
I know it is hard. Here we spend all the time together, also with Youngjae, but for your own safety,you have to burn it.
And in this day, you also have to leave Korea.
For also not being found you have to plead the doctors, that they cremate my body and rely on medical confidantiality.
I'm so sorry Katara, I'm so sorry. I never wanted leave you in this way, but this was the only way to rescue you and to find a bit peace. 
Please Katara, do everything what you can to stay alive. A little sum of money is also in the envelope. I couldn't bring it to the bank, because then I would have to gave your real name and your father would find you.
Please Katara stay strong. It will be hard but you have to be strong. Not only for you but also for me and Youngjae. When you are in Japan try to go on and live like nothing happened. Be happy, crazy and loud, like you are. 
Another thing what I can also give you is that your father will be out in 3 months. So don't wait to long Katara.
And don't tell anyone about that. Neither Yongguk. I know that you love him really, but he can be also injured because of you father.
Only one other person knows about that, Katara. I hope he will support you and he'll take care of you.
In the envelope you'll also find a necklace. It'll reminded you that I'll always be by your side and in your heart and taking care of you too.
The last thing I wanna tell you is to forgive me. Forgive me my weakness Katara. Forgive me that I'm not here anymore to see you rise in a happy and wonderful independet woman. Forgive me for leaving you alone in this world.
Never forget that I love you. Umma loves you more than her life, Katababy.
In love
Your Umma



I died inside. My Umma killed herself because of my father. My father will come out. My father wanted to kill her and me. Everything only because of him. Because of him.
With shaking hands I took the envelope and opend it. Money, papers and the necklace fell on my bed. I took the necklace and put it on. When I put it on, it felt like my mom was on my side right now.
I put the money back and the passport. I opened it to see my new name.

Kim Hyunah

After I burned my own house, Kim Hyunah, would be my new name. My new identity.
The worst thing was that I couldn't tell Yongguk about that. He would be in danger. I would have to leave him. Forever.
My heart hurted and I tried to hide my sobs of pain. I covered my mouth with my hand.
I put everything back in the envelope and hide it under my bed.

"What are you doing?", asked Yongguk. He made me jump.
"Nothing.", I shook my head and pointed with my fingers at Yongguk's sleep place.
"I'm sorry that you have to sleep on the ground.", I changed the topic. He smiled a bit.
"You don't have to feel sorry. Let's just sleep and rest for awhile, arasso?", he lied down. I did the same.
"And thank you for staying here tonight.", I whispered. I tried to reach his hand from my bed.
"Like I told you, I'll never leave you.", he took my and pressed it.

*But one day, I have to leave you, Yongguk*, I thought, while crying quietly all night long.