Chapter 28: Realization

You struggled to break free from the tightened grip. “Let me go!” you yelled. You knew who it was and where he wanted to take you.

Since the grip was taut, you started to feel the pain. “Jonghyun, you’re hurting me.” you said as tried to free your sore wrist. He pretended he didn’t hear you. “This is mad Jonghyun. Let. Me. GO!” you screamed half begging. Crystals of tears were falling out of eyes.

Jonghyun finally let you go and stopped in front of you. You rubbed your wrist to sooth the pain and stared at him angrily. “What do you want?”

“You love me right?” he asked without hesitation. His tone was a blend of anger and hope.

Your face reddened upon hearing his question. You didn’t reply him.

He moved a step closer and shook you in the shoulder. “Tell me you love me!” he yelled in your face. You were taken back and stared at him in horror. Nevertheless you shook your head.

He was unsatisfied and gripped your shoulder. Your breath became uneven as he slammed you to the dirty wall of the alley. “Dammit! Say that you love me!” he yelled in desperation. He pinned you to the wall and made you stared him in the eyes.

His eyes were telling you everything… pain, sadness, hope, anger, desperation and lonely.

You shut your eyes and just let another wave of tear. “I can’t…” you whispered weakly.

He grabbed you again and pushed you to the wall again. It was as if he was trying to let some sense out of you and he wanted you to do what he wanted you to do.

The hard brick slammed against your back and it was painful. But the pain wasn’t as bad as the one you have in your heart.

“Say that you love me.” he whispered into your ears. You can feel he was inhaling your scent. You shivered by his action and cried a ball of agony.

“I can’t because I don’t… love you…” you whispered the last part. He groaned in anger and violently put your chin between his thumb and index finger. He lifted you chin.

“I love you…” he said.

You gazed away and let courage faced him again. “No you don’t. It’s called obsession.” you said.

“It’s not obsession!” Jonghyun yelled. He heard it before from L.Joe.

“Then what is it?!” You barked.

He didn’t answer. His eyes were flamed with anger and glutton. He dropped his hands, as he was about to make his move you shut your eyes, ready to be hit.

Nothing came up after a few second. You opened your eyes and swallowed your dry throat. “I’m sorry Jong–” but his lips crashed on your lips. He was desperate, desperate to get you. As adrenaline rushed in, you pushed him hard, breaking the kiss.

He stared at you in confusion. “It’s not me that you love…” you told sending every sense of disgust out.

“No, I do love you!”

“YOU! DON’T! Damnit Jonghyun! You don’t! Don’t hurt yourself anymore! Don’t! Please…” you begged. He shook his head. You sighed in anger.

“Then say that you love me…” you challenged.

“I love you.” he answered right away.

“Say that you need me.”

“I need you…”

“Say my name.” you ordered.

“Han So Ah.” he called unhesitant. Jonghyun stared at you in horror. He backed his step away from you. *Han So Ah.* His eyes were welled up with water. He shook his head, he realised what he had done.

You can see he was in pain and in need of realization. You bravely approached him. “I told you…” you said apologetically.

“Even if you tell me that you love me, it means nothing… You know that. I do love you out of care. I love you because I care about you. I care because you are part of my sister.”

“I hurt myself for you. I sacrificed myself because of Han So Ah. Those three words coming out of me were lies. I do love you but as a brother, as a part of my sister…” you explained in tears.

“From the day of her death you were lost… You weren’t aware of the world anymore. All you want was to get her back… You were confused. I am not her, Jonghyun…” you shook your head. “I’m not…”

“Don’t hurt yourself anymore… Move on and live your life…” you said.

“I–I’m s-sorry…” he finally spoke up. He looked up at you, apologetically. His cheeks were wet.

“No, I’m the one who should be saying sorry… Seeing me is like So Ah is not dead.” you were surprised that you were all composed. You took his hands and smiled. “I know it’s hard to let go… but you need to… you have to…”

“You have to move on from her. Let her go and let me go… please…” You squeezed his hand hoping he would understand.

Jonghyun took his hand away from you and turned away. He stared at the ground as he walked away. *You were right… It’s not you that I love…*

You slid down the wall and bent you knees. You rested your head on your knees. You inhaled a deep breath before giving another round of tears. A part of you weren’t burdened anymore and glad that you face Jonghyun. Another part of you was in pain… *What about me and L.Joe?*