Chapter 24: The Pain

You were about to unlock the door when a hand grabbed your wrist. You snapped at the owner of the hand. “W-what are you doing here?” you asked, surprised by his sudden present.

“So you did it?” he asked as he released your wrist.

“Did what?” you asked him back.

“The birthday surprise…”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You replied and unlocked the door.

“Lie.” He snapped, stopping you from entering the house. You turned to him and awarded him a glare.

“Then what do you want me to say L.Joe?!” you asked almost yelling. This is really hard for you and for him, seeing each other not knowing if ‘that feeling’ is still there. You don’t know if he still loves you and so does he.

“I don’t know So Eun.” He replied almost whispering. He ran his eyes on your left arm. His heart warmed seeing the bracelet on your wrist. *She still had it on.*

You rolled your eyes as you let a sarcastic laugh. “Then go home.” You instructed icily.

“No.” he snapped.

“What is it L.Joe?” you asked in desperation – Knowing that this hurt you.

“Just for today. Just this once…” he said before pulling you into his embrace. He held you tightly. You were flabbergasted by his sudden action.

“Let me go. L.Joe.” you warned, struggling to break the hug.

He shook his head as he tightened the hug. “No, just this once. I don’t care if this is the last one. Please…”

When you hear his words, you gave in and returned his hug. You wrapped your arms around his waist and shut your eyes. *I miss this…* you thought.

“I saw you at the park today.” He said. His voice was cracking. “And it hurt me.” he paused. He kissed into your hair, sending a sharp pierce into your heart.

*Mianhae…* you thought as you sent tears out.

“It hurt me so much that I want to hold you.” he said in a verge of crying. “It’s hard to believe that we are over.” he confessed. At a blink, tears were shed. “I never want to let you go. But I had to…”

Upon hearing his words, you shut your eyes and buried your face in his chest. You inhaled his scent before dropping your arms to your side.

L.Joe let go of the hug and lifted your face. He wiped your tears with his bare fingers and managed a smile. “Gomawo… Thank you for what you did today.” he tried to sound cheerful.

It hurt you seeing him like that. You shook your head and let another wave of tears. “This is not fair.” you whispered. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?” you said between your sob.

“So Eun.” L.Joe called as he pulled you back into his embrace. He couldn’t bear seeing you like that, but you were already pushing him away.

“Don’t ever show up in front of me again.” you warned, full hearted. L.Joe knew it wasn’t a lie; he can see it and feel it. He knew you really mean it this time. Really mean it.

“Go L.Joe.” you ordered and went inside. You slammed the door and ran inside So Ah’s room.

• • • • •

Once you were inside her room, you took her picture off the study table and smashed it to the floor. You swept everything on the desk to the floor and then let a loud agonizing scream.

Your parent who was inside their room ran to So Ah’s room once they heard your scream. They were surprised to see the mess. Broken pieces of glass were everywhere. Your mom looked at you in horror and didn’t dare to approach you.

“So Eun!” You dad yelled as he stopped you from smashing the mirror. You stared at him for a moment before screaming hysterically. Tears were shred along. Frustration, pain, disappointment, anger and sadness were all spilled out from you.

He tried to put you in his hug, just to calm you down but failed.

You went to her So Ah’s picture which was on the floor, covered with sharp glasses. “I don’t deserve this! L.Joe don’t deserve this! Jonghyun don’t deserve this! No one deserves this!” you yelled at her picture.

“What are you doing to us?! Look what have you done!” You picked her picture off the floor and crumpled it. Small piece of glasses stabbed you hand. You didn’t feel the pain since the anger overcome it.

“I hurt everyone! you Han So Ah! Your death is nothing but a burden to us! A burden to me!” You yelped.

“Han So Eun!” you parents called, they were mad and sad at the same time. Your dad pulled you up into his hug.

“Calm down Han So Eun. This won’t do you good.” He ruffled your hair as you buried you face in his chest.

“How can I calm down?! She ruin everything for me!” You shouted, clutching your fists. Your dad shook his head and patted your back.

“No…” he said.

“So Eun–ah…” your mom finally approached you. She your head and managed to smile. “It’s no one fault.” When you heard her words, you backed away from you dad hugged and stared at you mom.

“No! It is her fault!” you choked. “Everything! This! Is her fault!”

“Han So Eun.” You dad called again. He hates it when he heard you brought So Ah in this.

“No Appa… don’t you know how this hurt me?” you asked as you stared him with a teary eyes. “I broke up with L.Joe for Jonghyun. Why?! Because of her!”

“I hurt myself for her! I did! I did it for her! Because I love her, I did it. I left L.Joe for her obsess boyfriend. If she’s not dead. If she didn’t cliff dive that day, this won’t happen. None of this will happen!”

“So don’t tell me it’s not her fault!” you looked at your parent back and forth. You then put you hand on your left chest and hit it few times. “It hurt! It ing hurts me. In here!” You backed a few step before meeting the wall.

“It hurts so badly. For a month I work hard to forget L.Joe and move on with Jonghyun and for a month it hurt me. Everyday don’t you know how hard is it for me to wake up and saw my reflection? Everyday I cursed at myself because I look like her. Every time I saw my reflection I saw her!”

“I wish we weren’t born twin. I wish she didn’t die. I wish I can live my life how I wanted it to be. I wish I am dating L.Joe right now rather than with Jonghyun.” You said as you slid down the wall.

You looked at your parents; your mom was crying listening to your pain. “This hurt me so much…” you finally said and then buried your face inside you bloody palms.

You mom then hugged you tightly, followed by your dad. “Life is not easy…” you heard your mom whispered.