Story Title : 3.5/5

'Pinky Promise' immediately give me the vibe that it is a bittersweet romantic type of story, the innocence of such title is enough to draw attention from readers. It also touches the strong connection between two main characters, Mina and Jinyoung, so thumbs up for that!

However, I found that it is a very common title that ranges from romance to angst genre. Not that it is a bad thing. It gives you diversity and better option to make your story worth the title.

Graphics : 0/10

No poster so I can't give you points for that. I would advise you to approach graphic shops out there, or simply create your own. There are tons of amazing graphic designers so feel free to request from them :)

Oh yes, just because you don't have a poster, it doesn't mean that your story is not worth reading. I come across plenty of amazing writers with no poster, yet still achieve tons of readers.

Description : 7/10

I will evaluate where appropriate, so bear with me :)

'A story about a girl named Mina, her friend, Jinyoung, and their promises.'

This is straight to the point, I guess it's enough description. But what it lack is more factors in explaining the reason behind their promises.

'Jinyoung was new in the neighbourhood and still doesn't know anyone till Mina went to his house and welcomed him to the neighbourhood, since that day Jinyoung and Mina became good friends, they were so happy together till Jinyoung has to move to Seoul and leave Mina. Jinyoung and Mina made a promise that they would see each other again.'

This is actually fitted for the whole description. There are scenes of how the two met, the friendship they have and how the promises are made between them. But the use of (,) in the passage should be applied where it is necessary.

This is an edited version:

'Jinyoung was new in the neighbourhood with no knowledge of the people around him. Mina came at the right time and was the first person to welcome him. They become good friends, shared happiness together until Jinyoung has to move to Seoul and leave Mina. They both made a pinky promise, promising a day where they could see each other again.'

The whole speech indication in the description is not appropriate. So instead of doing it in the description context, it would be much better if you put it in a prologue or into the first chapter. I have to deduct points for that, sorry :(

Plot : 20/30

Once again, I will evaluate this chapter by chapter. 

Chapter 1: GOOD BYE

The whole plot is actually very sad. I mean, Jinyoung leaves her with a heavy heart and when he came back for her, she has a cancer —which is not a joke at all. What intrigue me in a good way is, how honest and open Mina's family is. She even admitted to it, which is nice.

Chapter 2: Mina's Surgery

I am not quite familiar with medical terms, so I will leave it to you to explain (which you did). Plot-wise, there is some part that confuses me. How did they do 'Gama Knife' without shaving some part of her hair since it is screwed in? And the scaring part, she was okay with it. I guess it doesn't affect her that much. And why was she bleeding? Is it an after effect of the surgery? That leaves me wondering. Yes, I ask a lot (sorry for that). Then Mina was back in Korea, she was strong and healthy, yet I questioned the duration of her recovery time in America. Nonetheless, I like CNU appearance here, though it is only for a brief moment.

Chapter 3: Please be my girl forever

I am so happy for this chapter, where everything is peachy sweet and perfect. Nothing is sweeter than claiming a new love during new year, it symbolizes a fresh start. So there is great meaning behind it. Over time, Jinyoung decided to pop the question. Here's the thing, how are they coping with each other personal and business life? I think it will be better if you provide a slight background of their university and company. But nevertheless, it is still a cute chapter.

Chapter 4: My happy family (Final)

Just like the previous comment, this is another addition to the cute and lovely plot. It happened so fast though, but I won't judge (*wink*). But anyway, I am just wondering if Jung family is really wealthy. I mean, they are as generous as presenting a mansion. Mansion costs a lot. Like really. So I was a bit taken aback.

Overall: The plot is not new, I've read it somewhere else and honestly, it is cliche. But then, I have to respect your positive light on Mina's condition, and how they are going through like nothing. Happy ending is always the best ending.

Characterization : 10/15

Kim Mina: She's a really positive girl, a believer and faithful. I can't help but trying to connect the characters background in the description. I am confused with 'a girl you would like to be with for the rest of your life'. I understand that she's friendly, that explain how easy it is for her to be friends with Jinyoung. She knows how to play musical instruments and you mentioned it in the story. But there are still blank notation as to how pretty she was, how attractive she is. Maybe it would be better if she have an admirer or a boyfriend before Jinyoung appears back into her life.

Jung Jinyoung: He's definitely your boy next door: good looking and kind. I don't get the part that 'he's smart but picks the wrong thing', does he make bad decisions previously? He is charismatic in a way that he confront Mina and her family very openly. But there is slight part of him that is missing. How did he deal with the fact that Mina is sick? Any person should feel terrible, because this is a person you love. And he can only manage to cry and wish for the best, maybe I can respect that. There is just so much development for the character yet I am not in the position to judge that.

Writing style and Grammar: 12/20

Writing style: I am actually having a hard time to read your story, given the format of your writing. It is simply a 'dialog' kind of story, which can be a little unnecessary. And you added some Korean words, which is okay. I just need to tell you how adding speeches and story telling should be. I'll also show the better way to arrange your sentences. I would like to add that I can accept the font and size you're using, but not so much with the visual images you added. It distracts me. The good thing about your writing is how you simplify things and it is easier for me to understand. So there's the good and bad in it but don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

Original:

"Mina, I'm sorry to let you know this too late but me and my parents are moving to Seoul" Jinyoung said with tears falling down his cheeks "your going to leave me alone?" Mina said "yes" Jinyoung said looking down " NOOO !!! OPPA PLEEAASSEE DON"T LEAVE ME ALONE !!!" Mina said with tears in her eyes while hugging Jinyoung tight "sorry Mina, we're moving today" Jinyoung said hugging Mina back "but don't worry, we will see each other again, I promise" Jinyoung said "p-pinky swear ?" Mina said and brought her pinky up "Pinky swear" Jinyoung did the same and entwined his pinky with Mina's pinky

Edited:

"Mina, I'm sorry to let you know this too late but me and my parents are moving to Seoul." Jinyoung said with tears falling down his cheeks.

"You're going to leave me alone?" Mina said.

"Yes." Jinyoung said, looking down.

"No. Oppa, please don't leave me alone." Mina said with tears in her eyes while hugging Jinyoung tight.

"Sorry Mina, we're moving today." Jinyoung said hugging Mina back. "But don't worry, we will see each other again. I promise."

"P-pinky swear?" Mina said and brought her pinky up.

"Pinky swear." Jinyoung did the same and entwined his pinky with Mina's pinky.

Grammar: There are plenty of grammar and spelling mistakes. I suggest you to hire a beta-reader or read the passage over and over again to avoid the same mistake.

Personal Enjoyment : 6/10

Total : 58.5/90 = 65%

COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS: This story ranked on the average scale, where it is acceptable with plenty room for improvements. You have the opportunity to elaborate more on the story, because 'Pinky Promise' deserves all the love you pour into the storyline. Please don't take this badly and be demotivated. I am giving you constructive criticism because you have the potential to be better. Don't stop writing and be inspired to create more stories. Fighting!
REVIEWED ON: 27/02/15