Story Title : 3/5

Your story title is acceptable. It did state out the essence of the story. However, it is not captivating enough or to attract people's attentions. 

Graphics : 3/10

You do not have any posters for your story. I would strongly recommend you to have a poster for your story as it is basically the cover page of your story. You can just make the poster yourself or simply requests one of the many graphics shop in Asianfanfics. However, your layout for the front page is nice. 

Description/Foreword: 4/10

Your foreword did okay. But I gotta say there is quite a number of grammer mistake and phrasing mistake. Your description basically is the one that gives the 1st impression to the readers. Description is also the one that determine if the readers wants to read your story. Also your description isn't really interesting. Perhaps you want to omit the part why Luhan doesn't want Jessica to adopt Sehun in the story instead of in the description. Your description needs a little cliffhanger to attract your readers to continue reading your story.

Original: Jessica was living happily with her boyfriend, Luhan, until an unwanted tragedy came to Jessica's life, her sister died leaving behind her 5 years old son, Sehun. Luhan was against Jessica's Idea that she will adopt the child because he thought that Sehun might grab Jessica's attention from him and that he would just be a trouble maker in their life, but what if Sehun brings them more happiness ? 

Edited: Jessica was living happily with her boyfriend, Luhan till a tragedy struck her. Her only sister has passed away, leaving behind her 5 years old son. Jessica has little choice but only to adopt her niece, Sehun. But things were not going as planned - Luhan hates kids. How would the addition of the little troublemaker changes their love? 

Your character list is alright but you would probably have to add images for each of your character as you can imagine the storyline with the pictures available. But you can choose not to. Also, there is a lot of grammatical mistakes in your character's personalities. You might want to reformat the arrangement. Add in more personalities element in your characters' introduction. 

Plot : 20/30

Your plot is more of a combination of fluff and comedy I supposed? You can actually have a lot of extensions from your main plot of story which is after the adoption of Sehun. 

Writing Style & Grammar : 8/20

There is a lot of grammatical mistakes in your story here and there. I would greatly suggest you to hire a beta-reader to edit them for you. To add on to that, there should be a flow from line to line, which is mostly absent in your story. Your flow of story seemed arupt, though the pace is alright. You might consider adding more actions instead of all description. There is too much conversation in your story and it seemed like reading a drama script instead of a fiction story. Also, there is not much realistic element in your story. Let me give you an example. How could Jessica be that calm when Jiyoung died even when telling Luhan about the news of her sister's departure? She may have collected her feelings before telling Luhan about the news but it is her sister's death after all. It is not possible for her to state it so bluntly. You may want to add in how Sehun reminds Jessica about her sister and perhaps a little part on her emotions towards her sister. You might add in element on how Jessica trying to balance in missing her sister, bringing Sehun out of his grief and yet trying to allow Luhan to accept Sehun. Tbere are many required details missing, yet there are redundant details like what they did in work. You could have just skipped that part and continue the part on picking Sehun up instead. 

I note that there is various korean terms you used in the story. It is alright but I would recommend you to make a footnote on the meaning of the words as some may not understand Korean. 

Characterisation: 6/15

I like how you have set a major characters image for each of them. Personally I felt that the only realistic character is Luhan. His worries are realistic and so is his character. However, the depiction of the 3 characters' personalities are not shown much. It is probably because that there is not much description and too many conversation. You can keep the conversation but do add on some details on how they felt and what is going through their mind. Other than that, I have stated the other factors and how to improve in the previous paragraph. 

Personal Enjoyment : 4/10

Personally, I did not enjoy the story that much. It seemed very uncoherent. Nevertheless its a interesting idea.

Total : 48/100 Continue to work hard ^^

COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS:

I'm sorry but I'm kinda harsh. You really do need to work on your interpretation of the story and your flow. And I would strongly recommend you to hire a beta-reader. You might also want to add more tags for your story to gain more views. You should also remove the "subscriber only" part. ^^ This way you can receive more comments and views on how your story is. Also you should state that Jessica is an OC. Hwaiting for your story and I hope this helps

REVIEWED ON: 6/3/15