Story Title: 3/5

Your story title is not very catchy. If I scroll through BTS stories, I would probably overlook yours. I could give you some suggestions for improvement. However, at the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide if you want to use them or not.

‘Fall Fall Fall’-à This is too redundant, especially since you use the action verb ‘Falling’ at the very end. Why not put comas after each ‘Fall’? In this way, you construct a title that is rhythmically pleasing.

Corrected: Fall, Fall, Fall (It’s All Falling)

Even better, you can use only one ‘Fall’ to polish it up. Eg. ‘Fall (It’s All Falling)’

I quite like that you used parenthesis in the title. It’s not done very often but it does make it more unique.

Graphics: -/10
Since you don’t have any graphics here, I won’t grade you. However, you could always add a background, as long as it’s from photo bucket/deviant art. I’ve always thought the background added another dimension to story reading. It does affect the overall mood of the story. You could go for a dark one since your story has angst.

Description/Foreword: 9/10

There’s not much happening in this section. You could add a bit more pictures just to make it less boring. However, sometimes, simplicity is key. I quite like that you only have one line that explains the description. I still feel as if you could tweak it around a bit more just to polish it up.

“Seokjin is the oldest, he was supposed to protect the younger ones but they're gone now and if you look closely its all his fault.”

Corrected: Being the oldest, Seokjin was supposed to protect the younger ones. They’re gone now, and if you look closely, it’s all his fault.

I just rearranged a few words and added some comas to make it appear more pristine, ahah. Now, it’s very good that you added the trigger warnings. A lot of authors forget to do that, myself included, haha. Kudos for that.

Plot: 20/30

Wow, that’s a very heavy and disturbing plot. However, it does become redundant most of the time. I’m only saying this in terms of the suicide aspect of the plot. I’ve expanded on this section more in the characterisation. As for Seokjin, he is just fabulous, and his character is the only thing that drives the plot forward.

You really wanted to torture the ARMY fans, didn’t you? Haha.

Writing Style & Grammar: 14/20

There is nothing wrong with your writing. You have a good grasp of the basics, but you have a lot of room for improvement. The good thing is, you don’t get mixed up between your tenses. Some very good authors here on AFF still tend to mix between past and present tense.

Now, your weakness is in your sentence structures. You have sentences that just ramble on. The solution is to learn when to use commas. There are plenty of workshops out here that will guide you about this better than I can. You could always opt for a Beta Reader to clean out the sentences. However, I think it’s best if you learn by yourself. After all, it is your story, and I know you want to improve (otherwise you wouldn’t have asked for a review), so go for it. Read up on the usage of commas.  Analyse their rules and try to fix it up! But please, my dear, don’t overuse them either. Full stops are your friends too, you know? Fighting!

I have a few examples that you can correct.

Original: Of course Hyosang* and Namjoon hit it off immediately though, the night went without a hitch but they’d continued their friendship over the next year and met up frequently, working on music or just drinking together. Namjoon knew (for Seokjin had embarrassedly warned him) that Hyosang was into the drug scene, he knew that there were people after him constantly trying to get the money the boy owed them, he even knew that Hyosang was one to scam money out of people and leave but the two had a close bond, Namjoon knew Hyosang would never steal from him and Hyosang knew that Namjoon wasn’t interested in his… extracurricular activities.

Corrected: Of course, Hyosang and Namjoon hit if off immediately. The night went without a hitch but they continued their friendship over the next year. They met up frequently, working on music or just drinking together. Namjoon knew—as Seokjin had warned him with embarrassment—that Hyosang was into the drug scene. He knew that there were people after him, constantly trying to get the money the boy owed them. He knew that Hyosang was able to scam money out of people and leave, but the two had a close bond. Namjoon was certain that Hyosang would never steal from him, and Hyosang knew that Namjoon wasn’t interested in his…extracurricular activities.

Now, second thing is your paragraphing. Don’t keep them too long. Have some spacing between them to give the eyes a rest. You started off fine, but your paragraphs conjoined together in the middle of the story.

Lastly, your text is very small. Try making the font size bigger. I always keep mine at 14 so that readers don’t have to strain their eyes when they’re reading.

Characterisation: 11/15

Oh my goodness gracious—someone please give Seokjin a hug for me! That poor boy needs to see a psychiatrist after this, I swear! I feel so, so sorry for him.

I quite like how you did his character. As a oneshot, there is no surprise that your characters were static. As the oldest kid in my family, I can relate to Seokjin and how protective he feels about his dongsaengs. I quite like this attribute of him, and they die—I don’t know the name of this condition—Seokjin blames himself for it. The thing is, I feel like the deaths were not his fault at all, but some people, who gloat on the past, have this concept that they are responsible for everything, and if things don’t work out, it is all their fault. So, you did a pretty good job with Seokjin. He almost seems human, and not just a written character.

The only complaint I have is for the rest of BTS. They all seem uniform, nothing diverse about them. Most of them die via suicide except for Jeongguk, but the latter still retains the same traits as the other boys: dependant on Seokjin. You could tweak things here to make the characters more different to each other. Some could have more accidental deaths. How about their mannerisms or their way of speech? They could have a distinct characteristic (and it can’t be dance classes or, in Yoongi’s case, signing up for the entertainment industry). Perhaps one is sporty? One is a nerd? Perhaps one could even comfort Jin and let him know that none of it is/was his fault?

I’ll leave that up to you!

Personal Enjoyment: 5/10

To be honest, these type of stories are not really my cup of tea. However, I can tell that you did put your heart and soul into this. Keep up the good work and continue to write. It’s like what they say: practice makes perfect. I apologise if I sounded harsh in the review. Don’t let it put you off. You can achieve more! I believe in you! And I know that someday in the future you will wirte a story that makes gaksitalGaksital say ‘Bingo!’

I Total: 62/90. = 69%

COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS: There is plenty of room for improvement. What matters is that you don't give up! Again, I sincerely apologise if I was too harsh. I'm one of the more critical reviewers in this workshop, but I hope this helped in some way. If you have anymore queries, please don't hesitate to let me know. All the best with your future work!
 

REVIEWED ON:13/5/15