Story Title: 2/5

Honestly, your story title doesn't attract my eye. It seems really simple and basic, not very much to say there and it lacks in the unique department. I wouldnt' say that it was very interesting either, there's many stories where the plot line is similar to your title so many would confuse it like that and your title is very straight to the point which is not very useful in this situation. I would suggest a title that is short and really connects with your story instead of a simple phrase like 'I don't even like you'. The '(EXO Luhan fic) was not needed either, you could easily just of included that within your tags and it would be perfectly fine. It may attract some people because your wrote it was a Luhan based fic but other than that, it's pretty useless. Be careful of what you put in the title, it needs to attract the readers if your description doesn't.

Graphics: 0/10

You currently have no graphics and I would really suggest you getting one because it can help attract and lure in more readers that way. Posters and backgrounds are dead important now-a-days in the world of AFF because that's something that will attract readers and will be a bonus if your title and description attracts them aswell. Graphics is basically like the front cover of a book, it needs to look appealing or else nobody's going to pick it up. There are a lot of graphic shops on AFF and I would recommend some but a lot of them are super busy or inactive.

Description/Foreword: 1/10

Your description is super messy. It isn't a proper description in any sense, I would advise you to really focus on decorating and editing the description because it's really messy and choppy everything. This:

Mmm................how would I say this well I don't really Luhan but I decided to write a fanfic on him bascially is a fashion designer named Shanas known as Naz going to Seoul to work with exo and they only choose four members to model in her fashion I guess from there's up and downs..............problems, headaches and the rest feelings develop I'm going break the story in pieces since it's really long but awesome have fun reading and enjoy comment tell if there any grammarical errors because I didn't have time to edit much ha, ha seriously it cool.

is not what a description is. I think you should look at other people's description first and possibly base it off that (but not completely) and actually think about the whole story plot and fit it all in within the description without giving out any massive plot twist. I would suggest writing something like:

'A story in which a fashion designer known as Naz goes to Seoul to work with the internationally famous group, EXO and will choose four members from the group the model in her fashion show. She encounters many ups and downs with the members especially one.

Then you have your character list which should not look like this:

Reader as Shanas Mel also known as Naz famous fashion designer
Elena as couisn/personal assitant
Ruby as best friend/ celebrity Cake planner
Aya as best friend
Luhan as himself
Tao as himself
Sehun as himself
Lay as himself
Suho as himself
Dina as actress/best friend
chanyeol as himself
Layla as hairstylist
Sarah as fashion stylist
exo as themselves
kris as famous actor
Lyiana as Chen's pretty girlfriend
Nabz as Kai's girlfriend
Lyssa as Jungkook's fiance
Miki as Kris's girlfriend

because that looks awful, I'm sorry but those are my complete honest feelings, you need to try harder at presenting your work. Something that looks like this should be okay:

Shanas Mel (Naz):

The famous fashion designer who is going to Seoul to visit EXO and find four members that are appropiate for her show.

Luhan:

(Short description of him here)

EXO:

The famous Korean boy band known for their talents and their looks.

You do not need that many people to be in your description or story. You can mention them once or twice throughout the story but you do not need to include them in the description if they are not major characters!

Plot: 10/30

Honestly, your plot line is super cliche and you can easily find these types of fanfics all over aff. It might not be the exact plot - fashion designer, etcetera - but it is super similar to a lot which I have read. There isn't much of a plot twist either.

Characterisation: 5/15

Honestly, your characters are a little hard to follow especially with all the names and you writing 'he' when it was a 'she' and then me questioning if they were a he/she.

Writing Style & Grammar: 10/20

You have still got a lot of grammar errors and I know you are trying to edit all of them but I would really suggest a beta-reader.

Original: 7:30am my alarm rang, as I got up out of bed with a headache stretching my arms up the air yawning away approaching my window tilted the curtain on aside the sunlight immediately brighten my room, like a golden field of flowers I opened the window and mumbled

Revised: 7.30 am. My alarm rang. I got up out of bed with a slight headache, stretching my arms while yawning away and approaching my window. I moved the curtain to te side and the sunlight immediately brighten my room, like a golden field of flowers. I opened the window and mumbled, You need to learn how to use commas because they are important whether you don't putting them in or not.

Original: “Good morning Seoul, am finally here”,

Revised: “Good morning Seoul, am finally here,”

You put them inside the speech marks, not outside. I would really suggest getting a friend or someone to help you edit. More the merrier.

Personal Enjoyment: 1/10

Honestly, it seemed really cliche. I didn't quite feel the emotions throughout the whole story and I would really suggest you fix everything I talked about in this review.

Total: 29/90 = 32%
 

COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS: I'm really sorry how this review was really harsh but I feel like you should really try to improve on the story presentation and then the errors and then focusing on the story as a whole.
REVIEWED ON: 22/2/15