My name is Lee Junri and my daddy is the famous Lee Hyukjae in Super Junior. I think that’s the most amazing thing ever because I am constantly surrounded by doting uncles and my best friend, Yun Duo, is Donghae-ahjusshi’s son. I loved watching my daddy perform and learning to dance from him. I liked going to the studio and watching his concerts. But most of all, I loved the fact that he was my daddy and was always there for me. Except, of course, on my birthday.

                When it’s my little sister, Kahee’s birthday, appa would always be there. He would be celebrating and holding the parties. But for some reason, every November 6^th, he just could not show up. I’ve always wondered and mommy says it’s because my birthday was also Super Junior’s birthday.

                At night, when we were done eating my cake, she would turn on the television and show me their celebration. I could see appa interacting with his fans and talking and singing. He always ended his speech with a shout out happy birthday to me. That used to make me feel special. It did until I realized, I would much rather have him here with me than saying happy birthday to me from halfway across the globe.

                Umma tells me he loves me and I believe it. I see him twice a month, sometimes more if he could find the time. We always did things together whenever we could. We always marked our calendars and counted down the days until he came.

                I tugged on mommy’s jeans and she looked down. “Hmm?”

                “Umma, when would appa come today? And how long is he staying? Would he be able to stay for a week? It’s my birthday next week!”

                She smiled, she always smiled. But her eyes were weary and she bent down to pick me up. “Junnie, you know your daddy always has to celebrate his debut day. But he’ll be here for a while! Wouldn’t that be fun?”

                I pouted. “Please? Mommy, just ask him to stay with me just this year?’

                She sighed. “I’ll try, baby, I’ll try.”

                A few hours later, the doorbell rand and it was him. “Daddy!” I screamed and threw myself at his legs. He laughed and picked me up. He swung me in the air and kissed me on the forehead.

                “Apapapapa!” It was Kahee and she toddled into the room. Our dad bent down to take the two of us in his arms. Umma walked in and seeing us clambering all over him, she laughed out loud.

                They’ve been waiting by the door forever.” Then her voice dropped to a whisper. “How long are you staying this time?”

                He looked away. “Three days. You know I have to be back in a week.” I buried my head in his chest so I wouldn’t have to hear the rest of his rejection.

                He played with us and showed us all the things he brought with him. I clutched the train set while Kahee gnawed on the teddy bear. Yunnie came over and we proceeded to play together on the floor. Everything was fine until I heard mom say, “Hyuk Jae, can you please just show up this once?”

                “I’ll try. But the fan meets normally end late at night.”

                “No. I meant for the whole day. It’s not fair. He’s only five. He doesn’t understand why you’re away all the time. He’s proud that everyone knows you. He drags me to the television screen whenever you guys perform. He loves it. But he doesn’t get you’re never there for his birthday.”

                Yunnie’s parents dropped down next to us and began playing with us to distract us. But I dropped the train and crawled closer to the couch so I could listen better. Their voices were steadily rising louder.

                “It’s not my fault he happened to be born on the one day where member attendance is necessary.”

                “Whose fault is that then? Should I have held him in for another ten hours or should I have tried to get him out before? You can’t do this. One day, he’s going to end up hating you.” Her voice cracked and I felt bad. I knew she was saying this for my benefit. She walked out of the room and daddy shook his head.

                Donghae-ahjusshi placed a hand on my shoulder and picked me up, swooping me in the air. I squealed in spite of myself and daddy walked over, smiling. I was handed off to him and he twirled me around.

                “Daddy loves you, neh Junnie?” I nodded and he smiled at me before lugging me up the stairs. “Sleep tight, I’ll take you to school tomorrow.”

*****

                I crawled into bed and found that she was curled into a tight ball at her edge of the bed. Her back was faced towards me and it was clear she didn’t want me around. She held herself tightly still.

                “Hey,” I whispered and reached out to take her hand. She jerked it away from me and I sighed. “Look baby, I’m sorry. But this is my career. ELFs out there, you should understand, you’re one too. They’re-”

                “Your family and they promise to believe and love. I know Hyuk Jae.” She finished for me. “But we’re your family too. He’s your son. You helped to make him. All he asks for is that for one day of the entire year, you put your career aside and focus only on him.” She rolled over to glare accusingly at me.

                “Why can’t you come to us? I’ll make sure we end early.”

                “He wants you for the whole day. Are ELFs so relentless that they won’t let you go for one day, even if it’s your debut day, to spend time with your son on his birthday?” she started crying and I pulled her into me, trying to soothe her. Her hot tears soaked my thin shirt.

                “I can’t,” I whispered. She pulled away from me and retreated, letting a wall go up between us.

                The next two days, I tried. I thought of ways to compromise. But all the ways required me to spend time away from Junnie. On the morning I have to leave, I walked down the stairs and heard Junnie crying.

                “Umma, it’s not fair. Appa’s always here for Kahee’s birthday. Does he not love me? I hate him, I hate Super Junior. I wish I were never born!” he cried and she looked up at me with furious eyes.

                When he sensed my presence, he stopped crying and bravely turned to smile at me. “Daddy, take me to school?” His complete transformation caught me off guard and I wanted to cry. I hated myself too.

*****

                I knew I had no choice but to be brave. I already caused mommy too much distress over this. Right before daddy was going to leave, mom took him off to the side.

                “I’m giving you one last chance, Hyuk Jae. Can you be there for him in three days?”

                “Sweetheart, we’ve been through this. I promise I will try to come as soon as I can. But they need me. I’ll be here for the days afterwards.”

                “Forget it. Don’t bother coming. It’s not just about Junri you know? It’s about us and the rest of your family. I know you have a career and SM is very demanding. But I tolerate it. I’m proud of you when you break world records and when you guys have successful concerts. But it seems as if Donghae always finds time to come back, but you never do. Is there another woman? Is that it? Or is it that you don’t want to be a family man anymore? What is it?” I winced. Even at five I knew that her words were harsh.

                “What the hell are you talking about? There’s absolutely nothing going on, and I don’t appreciate it. Maybe Donghae isn’t asked to MC quite so often. How can you just jump to conclusions?”

                “Well, it seems like you never want to be here anyway!”

                “I do! I try!  I bust my tail off, trying to make sure my schedules fit and trying to find a way to come back and see you. If this is about missing our anniversary a month ago, I’m sorry! You can’t expect me to skip out on a Super Show can you?”

                There was a harsh slap. “Go. Go and don’t bother coming back. Obviously I don’t mean enough to you. I don’t want to see you anymore. I’m sure your children can agree as well.”

                I held Kahee to me as mommy came running back inside, crying. My little sister looked up at me and I poked her cheeks. “Come on, let’s say bye bye to Daddy.”

                He looked tired as he picked us up and kissed us. “Take care of mommy for me okay? I love you two.” He took us into the house before waving and getting into the taxi. I stared at the closed bedroom door and couldn’t help but feel guilty. This was all my fault.