After a week mom called to the health center and booked me an appointment for a therapist who was specialized in young people's depression and isolation. Tiffany had talked with my mom and told her everything from Jiho and I to Jackson and I. Fortunately, dad didn't have a clue what was wrong with me, and mom and I had decided to keep it that way. Dad didn't have to know anything. He was already having hard time accepting everything that had happened with mom.
    Yongguk and Tiffany left three days after everything had went downhill. I couldn't even say hello without breaking down to tears, and Tiffany couldn't take it. She would've wanted to stay, but that wasn't an option. She couldn't undo what I had done and neither could I. At the airport she kept telling me that everything happens for a reason, but I just couldn't see how that would make any sense. Was there a reason for my stupid behaviour? Was there a higher power who made all these terrible things happen? Nope, it was all my fault. I did this to myself.
    ”I did this to myself”, I whispered while staring out of the window. It was monday and the weather matched my state of mind perfectly. My birthday would be on wednesday and I felt like staring at a ceiling and starving to death.
    My therapist was a middle-aged woman with a short black haircut and thick spectacles. Her name was Nari. She cleared and crossed her legs. ”Is there anything that would make you feel hopeful or relaxed?”
    I still stared out of the window. It was raining and the sky looked gray. To be honest everything looked black and white. Just like Jackson had told me a week ago. I didn't see any meaning in talking to a stranger twice a week. It felt like a waste of time. How could she possibly help me? My mind was a box made out of the strongest metal in the world and there was no breaking it. I was trapped inside of that box. The school, music, all my friends, those things were outside that box and I just couldn't see or touch them. They were out of my reach. I shook my head slightly.
    ”Your mom told me you like music, is that true?”
    I didn't have any control of my expressions. I might've smirked a little. I might've bitten my lower lip. I nodded.    
    ”Could music make you feel better? Have you thought about it?” Nari asked calmly. I thought she was trying too hard to sound soothing.
    ”No”, I answered.
    ”Could you maybe give it a try then?” Nari suggested.
    ”Sure.” Music reminded me of Jiho. I knew it wasn't going to make me feel better, but I had promised mom to give this session my all and this was me keeping that promise. Nari stood up from her armchair. She walked to an expensive looking set of speakers and turned to look at me. ”Any suggestions?”
    I bit my lip. All I could think about was Epik High and Jiho's Drake-shirt that was still somewhere in my room. ”Epik High”, I mumbled. This was definitely not going to make me feel better. I was knowingly digging myself a hole.
    ”Which song?” Nari asked while scrolling through all the song titles.
    I just shrugged and kept gazing out of the window. I didn't know any Epik High's songs. ”Just put the first one you see.”
    The sound of strings jerked me out of my gaze. I knew the song, I had heard it somewhere before. I listened carefully as the strings grew louder. Then they stopped and someone started rapping. A weird warm sensation made my whole body shiver. I recognized the voice. It belonged to Tablo. The guy who was going to collaborate with Jiho. Who knew maybe some day I would get to listen to Jiho's voice from those exact same speakers.
    ”How're you feeling?”
    I glanced at Nari and felt my face heat up. There was something wet on my cheeks. Of course I was crying. I cried to everything nowadays. It didn't take much to make my eyes watery. ”I'm alright.”
    ”Miranda, could you use some other word than alright?”
    My stomach made a weird voice, telling me that it was time to get something to eat. That was out of question of course. My starve-to-deat-mission was actually succeeding so far. ”Ok?”
    ”Alright and ok are basically the same thing”, Nari said with a friendly smile. I felt like rolling my eyes but that wouldn't have been neccessary.
    ”Ok I feel like I was inside a box”, I explained with squinted eyes. ”And that box is inside my head and  it's made out of the strongest metal on earth.”
    ”Okay”, Nari said nodding her head. ”So you feel like you're trapped inside your head?”
    I let Nari play a therapist and kept on going about my feelings and how I felt like nothing mattered anymore blah blah blah. I actually felt a bit lighter when I realised that Nari would probably feel good today for thinking that she had helped me. The only good thing about the whole appointment was the Epik High part. I wanted to curl up into a roll and listen to their songs nonstop. That was the only cure I could think of at that moment.
    After the session I went straight back home. I hadn't answered to anyone's