I didn't go back to school and neither did Jackson. Now that I knew everything, it all came to me. The reason why Mark was mad at me: he didn't want Jackson to waste his time on me. The drug using and why it wasn't his choice. The medication Mark was talking about at the library.
    ”Two months from now and I'll have to move to ICU, that's what they predicted. Now it's just random visits every now and then”, Jackson said quietly.
    ”Are they going to do something about it? Some surgery or something?” I asked.
    ”I don't know. Now it's just chemotherapy and a lot of drugs”, he mumbled. It was obvious that he didn't want to talk about it. ”Can I just... hold your hand for a minute?”
    I didn't hesitate. In a second our fingers were linked together. Jackson's hand was cold but strong.
    ”This is the reason why I traveled so much during the summer. I wanted to feel and do everything. My mom was devastated when she heard that it was incureable. And when your mom- when our parents, you know, cheated...”
    ”She couldn't take it...” I mumbled. I had to concentrate really hard on breathing.
    ”Yeah”, Jackson nodded. ”But now I think she's getting better.”
    ”That's good to hear.” Jackson's fingers felt a bit warmer than a moment ago. I rubbed my thumb against the back of his hand. I could see a warm smile creep on his lips. At that moment everything felt right. I felt like I had done the right thing by staying on Jackson's side. He needed me and I needed someone... this wasn't about me anymore. It was about Jackson.
    ”I feel like a lead actor of some cheesy romantic tragedy”, Jackson suddenly chuckled and shook his head.
    I once again had shivers. His sentence made me think about the whole situation from a wider perspective. There was Jackson and I and then Jiho. What part was he playing? How was this movie supposed to end? Someone was going to get hurt and I was going to be the cause of it. Everything would have been much better if I had just gone straight home from the party... ”Can you take me home...”
    Jackson turned to look at me. He tried hard to cover the disappointment but I could see it. ”You wanna go already?”
    ”I... I need some time...”
    ”Yeah of course, don't worry I get it”, he said and let go of my hand. That small gesture broke my heart. I didn't want to let him down now. Especially not now. But I had just done it. Without thinking I gently kissed his cheek. Jackson grabbed my shirt and pulled me closer. He wasn't gentle like Jiho was. His moves were rough and aggressive.
    ”Just a peck on the cheek?” he murmured. I froze. Jackson pressed his lips against mine and I melted. Just like at the party, I forgot where I was and who I was with. I snapped back to reality when Jackson's grip around my wrist got so hard that it hurt. He pulled back and loosened his grip.
    ”I'm sorry”, he breathed. I just shook my head. I felt dizzy.
    ”Just... can we go now?”

Jackson gave me a ride home. It all felt surreal. I missed my old home and my old school. This was all too much for me. It was crazy how things could change in such a short period of time. A week ago it was Jiho who had taken me home, today it was Jackson.
    ”Miranda?” Jackson said when he stopped the car in front of my house. Just seeing Jiho's house made me feel guilty.
    ”Yeah?”
    ”Can I meet your mom?” he asked and turned to look at the expression on my face. I tried to keep my face straight.
    ”Why?” I almost said ”so you can punch her too?” but now it was out of the question. He was fragile and I had to watch everything I said to him.
    Jackson rubbed his neck. He took his cap off and threw it on the backseat. His hair was a mess. ”I wanna know what she's like. What's so special about her.”
    ”There's nothing special about her”, I said plainly, trying not to get offended.
    ”Please”, he begged. I couldn't refuse when he did that. His eyes looked so sad and tired.
    ”Alright”, I sighed. We got out of the car and walked to the door side by side. Jackson's style of walking was so different from Jiho's that it made my heart ache. I really missed the way his shoulders swung from left to right while he walked like he'd be a big deal.
    I opened the door and walked in first, Jackson following me behind. ”Mom?”
    I could hear she was in the kitchen. ”Yeah?”
    Jackson froze. Mom's head popped out of the kitchen door. ”Hey!”
    ”Mom this is Jackson Wang”, I said loud and clear. I watched her as the name sunk into her brain and she slowly realized who he was. 
    ”Oh.”
    ”Nice to meet you Mrs. Viles”, Jackson said. His tone was calm and cold. It sounded more like a threat than a greeting.
    ”It's nice to meet you too Jackson...” mom said. Her voice was weak and it faded towards the end of the sentence. ”Are you guys hungry? I'm making riceballs.”
    ”Actually I'm just dropping her off”, Jackson said and backed off. Then he turned to me. ”I'll see you tomorrow.”
    I could see from his face that he still hated me. Deep inside he felt the same hatred he had felt before the night we had spent together. He hated me but he needed me and I didn't know why. I wasn't the right person for him. He just didn't seem to know it. ”Yeah.”
    When Jackson was gone, mom stormed into the kitchen. ”What the hell was that!”
    I followed her and stopped at the door. ”I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing mom... I'm not supposed to be the mature one, you are!”
    Mom just sighed and stared at me. She looked really tired and in every way ed up. How could she take care of me if she couldn't even take care of herself?
    ”Maybe I should move out...”
    ”No that's not an option. You'll live here until you've finished school”, mom said.
    ”You have no idea what I'm going through, partly because of you!”
    ”I have no idea because you don't tell me what' going on! Last time you said that guy hated you! Now you bring him home? What about Jiho?”
    ”I didn't bring him home, he wanted to meet the woman who destroyed his parents' relationship. And guess what? He has cancer! in cancer!” I yelled and pushed down a chair. I wanted to break something really bad. The anger and frustration were eating me from inside. ”What the hell am I supposed to do? How's this ing movie supposed to end?”
    ”What are you on about about Miranda?” mom yelled and grabbed my hands. ”Get your head on the surface!”
    ”I can't I'm drowning!” I collapsed on the floor. I had to admit it to myself.
    I missed Jiho.
    He really knew how to drag me up on the surface.
    But Jackson needed me and I owed him everything.
    Mom wrapped her arms around me and we sat on the floor for a long time. She kept repeating ”Everything's going to be okay” like all the moms in the world did. She didn't ask anything or talk about anything. She just gently caressed the back of my head and tried to comfort me.
    ”Dad's coming home today”, she whispered when I had calmed down. A sudden giggle came out of .
    ”Really? That's great!” I wiped my tears away and sat up straight.
    Mom nodded and smiled. ”We're gonna talk things through and I'm going to tell him everything.”
    ”About me too?” I meant the therapy sessions and skipping school.
    ”I think it's the best”, she said. ”He might know what to do.”
    ”You're probably right.”

Dad really did come home late in the evening. He had stayed at his friend's place and he'd been working from there. After I had welcomed him and we had talked for a while, I decided to leave mom and dad alone to talk things through. Dad didn't seem to be angry at mom, which made me feel a bit better. 
    I took a shower and gathered some rice balls on a plate before going upstairs. I was eating again, which was also a good thing. I wrapped my hair up to a bun and jumped into my pajama pants. My eyes wondered to my guitar in the corner of my room. I hadn't played in ages. I had been so busy with other things that my passion for music had completely faded. I stumbled across the room and grabbed the guitar. Its strings were dusty and it wasn't in tune. It took a while to tune the guitar and after I had finished, the whole house was silent. If I would start playing, mom and dad would wake up or at least stop doing whatever they were doing and tell me to be quiet.
    I opened the balcony door and stepped outside. I sat down on the railing and leaned my back against the wall. The wind blew my hair on my face and in my mouth. I started playing around with chords and random melodies. After fifteen minutes or so, I had a pretty good song in my hands.
    
”If I can't hold you now
Keep thinking that you might not come around
I have no words, I have no words to say
If I can't change your mind
Keep thinking, is this our last goodbye?
You say it first, you say it first to me

So