Bambam raised his eyebrows at me when I returned from the toilets.

Without Jiho.

”Where's Jiho?” he asked glancing behind me.

”He left”, I said quietly. It was weird how empty I felt without him. I felt like Jiho had literally ripped off a part of me and taken it with him. And that part was my heart. My lungs and brain worked, but I didn't feel anything.

”What happened?” Bambam stood up and walked up to me. He placed his hand on my shoulders and lead me back to the table.

”I couldn't do it...” I mumbled. Bambam looked confused.

”Do what?”

”Anything. I couldn't do anything. He left.”

”He'll come around”, Bambam muttered. He took out his wallet. ”Arrogant ... didn't even pay for his meal...”

I shivered and closed my eyes tight. Even though leaving without paying was a move, I couldn't say Jiho was the one to blame. I was.

”I should probably take you home...” Bambam pulled out some money and walked to the counter. He paid for my food too. I would've paid myself, but I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't even care.

I didn't say a word when Bambam and I walked out of the mall, all the way to the train station.

”Did he say something... rude?” Bambam asked when we found an empty seat from the train. He sat next to the window and tapped the seat beside him.

”No”, I mumbled.

”Then why are you so upset?”

The fact that Jiho had dumped me in a public bathroom wasn't the reason I felt awful. The fact that he didn't trust me was the worst part. I had become the person I hated the most. In Jiho's eyes, I was the traitor. He had no reason to trust me. I hadn't given him any reasons. And trust was the most important thing in a relationship between two people. Why the hell did he even give me a second chance if he didn't trust me? Why had he told me that we could work this out when he didn't even trust me?

And the most important question was: why would he even bother? There were many girls out there, alot better than me, who would easily fall for Jiho. Why would he waste his time on me?

This had to end now.

I wouldn't beg Jiho to stay. I wouldn't hold back at the pool party.

From now on, I would do whatever I wanted. I would take the burden of every consequence and carry it as long as I could.

”Noona?” Bambam said quietly with a slightly worried tone. I opened my eyes and glanced at him.

”Hm?”

”I asked you a question”, he said faking a smile. ”But you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I understand.”

”No it's fine. I'm fine”, I breathed and tried to force myself to smile. It actually worked. Bambam knitted his brows.
”Alright, that's good.” He knew I wasn't fine and he didn't like it when I lied about my feelings, but he didn't want to keep the conversation going. He thought I was too upset to deal with stuff. I slowly leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.

”I'm just tired. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day. I can feel it.”

The following night was probably the worst night in my life. Which was actually kind of ironic, because the night before was definitely one of the best nights in my life.

I couldn't sleep, so I sat on the floor, holding the notebook Jiho had given me. I wanted to step outside to see if Jiho was writing, sitting on the edge of his window, hanging his feet towards the ground, but I didn't. I just stared at the door and hoped I was strong enough to face him again. Oh my god, I wanted to see him. I wanted to slide my hands down his back and pull his body against mine so bad it hurt. And once again, I didn't know it was physically possible. But it was. Jesus ing christ it was.

I opened the notebook and caressed the first page with my fingertips. Even though Jiho's handwriting wasn't the prettiest on earth, there was something about it that looked so honest and passionate, like he had been writing in some kind of lust. The first song's name was 'Wake me up'. I traveled my fingers on the letters as I read the whole page.

Girl, I’ve got some free time now
Lazing around, watching movies
I send out some texts to people I can comfortably meet
Even though I don’t call them beforehan