To be honest I had no idea what I was doing.

I didn’t know if it was because of the time or because of the old album I had discovered from the depths of youtube, but I had this insurmountable urge to see him perform live. I needed to see if he still walked like back in the days, swaying from side to side like he was some kind of a big deal. It was funny to think that, because now he was, indeed kind of a big deal. Or maybe he had always been.

I had booked two tickets to the FANXY CHILD -show on the evening when Josh had told me about the VILE M album. He couldn’t believe his ears when I told him that we were actually going to the concert.

”I wanna see Epik High”, I clarified, when Josh looked like he was really pondering if I had any secret motives.

”I’ve never heard you listen to them”, Josh observed. It was unfortunately true, I hadn’t listened to them in years. I didn’t even know if they had any new music. ”I think you’ve even told me to turn off the radio whenever one of their songs plays?”

I just stared at Josh. His light blue eyes looked straight into mine suspiciously.

”Look, I thought you wanted to go-”

”Of course I do! I just wanna know more about you, can you stop being so ing sketchy all the time?”

”Sketchy?”

”Yeah, like dodgy, shifty-”

”What makes me so sketchy?”

Josh sighed dramatically. ”Are you seriously asking me that?”

”Do I look like I’m joking?”

”Can’t tell”, Josh began frustratedly. ”That’s pretty much your face 24/7, except when you’re drunk. Then there’s a little more sulk in there-” He pointed at my face with his index finger.

”I’m serious”, I droned. It was true though. After everything I had been through, I had become the most uninteresting person you could possibly encounter. There was absolutely nothing about me that could’ve raised attention. I was a living dead person, with an ability to fake the widest smile in the world.

”Well”, Josh began and sat down by the dining table. We were in the kitchen once again, since that was where Josh spent most of his free time. ”There’s this… weird darkness in you. And I don’t mean to sound rude, honestly, I really like you and all but… sometimes it’s really difficult, you know, to be around you.”

I had no idea what face I had managed to pull off, because Josh’s lips twitched slightly.

”I’m difficult to be around?”

”Yeah”, Josh admitted. ”Sometimes, you are. Especially when I ask something personal about you. It makes me come up with all these scary assumptions about your past in my head. You know, like Batman became this human wreck after his parents were killed…”

Normally that would’ve made me chuckle. Now I just stared at Josh, not knowing how to respond to him.

”I’m a human wreck.”

”Yeah, seems so”, Josh agreed.

For a short while we just listened to the sounds of the traffic coming from the window. Josh jumped up when his chicken s started whizzing on the stove.

I started nodding my head. ”Yeah, I guess I am.”

Josh turned around and raised an eyebrow at me. ”You admit it? So your parents have been killed?”

”Josh, you’ve met my mom.”

”Yeah, but like metaphorically.” He turned off the stove and took a white plate from the kitchen cupboard.

”Metaphorically”, I said. ”It’s actually a really long story.”

”I don’t mind”, Josh said. ”Do you?”

”Kinda.” I sat down and sighed. I had never told about my past to anyone new I met. No one knew about Jiho or Jackson. They just assumed I had been raised by the streets, hence why I was a little emotionally- or in every way, unstable.

”Well… it’s fine if you don’t wanna talk about it, but you know, sometimes talking it through with someone might be even helpful.”

”I know”, I mumbled. The idea of sharing my past with Josh didn’t suddenly seem like an awful idea. Maybe he’d understand? Or what if he judged me for what I had done? What if I left some details untold? What if he found out through someone else? That couldn’t be possible, could it?

Suddenly Josh sighed defeatedly. ”You know what, we’ll have this conversation some other day, yeah? How about you go pick me an outfit for the show?”

And just like that, the usual had again happened, as it always did with Josh. He knew when I was on the edge and he was pushing me further, and therefore he knew when to give up. He gave up because he knew that every little step forward mattered with me. I wasn’t some easy puzzle to solve and he was kinda okay with it.

I hadn’t given up on fashion. That was why Josh wanted me to pick his outfit. My style had definitely matured now that I was past that mainstream teenage fashion era, but I had kept my grunge aesthetic. I loved converses over any other shoes, no matter how mainstream they were. If I didn’t have my converses on, I didn’t feel like myself. My new favourite thing to do was to borrow (steal) a teeshirt  from Josh and wear it as a little dress (that’s not very mature, roger that), since he was easily over six feet. Obviously being very precise about his belongings, Josh hated that I sneaked into his wardrobe, but after seeing me rock his old rag of a shirt, he didn’t mind it.

On the day of the concert, I decided to wear something out of the ordinary. I had found a perfectly fitting black wrap front jumpsuit with a little ribbon belt, and a pair of red heels. Josh had told me that I looked delicious in them.

And yet he had never made a move toward me.

I decided to lift the cat on the table. ”Can I ask you a personal question?”

Josh’s eyes shifted to me, but he kept his focus on the road. The traffic was terrible this time of the evening. ”Sure.”

”Do you like guys?”

”Like as in do I date guys?”

”Yeah”, I said, surprised about his openness towards the question. ”As in are you gay?”

Josh just chuckled. ”That seriously took you four months to figure out?”

Now that I thought about it, he had made things pretty obvious.

”You spend way too much time in your head, Miranda.” Josh took a sharp turn and I spilled some of my pre-drink. ”Get outta there. Get to actually know people.”

We were back on the stressful topic. ”I would if I could.”

”What’s stopping you?” Josh asked.

Me. I was holding myself back, holding onto my past. But I couldn’t possibly let go. ”Not today.”

Josh glanced at me. He grinned quickly and shook his head. ”So you can ask me personal questions but I can’t ask you. What’s with that?”

We were taking another small step forward. ”I’m sorry…”

”No, it’s fine. Listen, let’s grab a coffee some day and talk this out. Could you agree to that? It could honestly help you-”

”Fine”, I said before he could blurt out another word. ”Fine, I’ll tell you everything.”

”Yes! Great!” Josh exclaimed happily.

”But you’ll buy the drinks then.”

”Fair enough.”

The concert hall was so crowded, that Josh and I had to stand arm to arm, to with the strangers around us. We arrived early enough to get a pretty good spot at the front, and I wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing. Now I would see him up close.

What if he saw me?

Would he recognize me?

Would he remember me?

”Hey, should we rather go at the back? I mean, the speakers are probably super loud-”

”No way!” Josh looked at me like I was out of my mind. ”I ain’t going back there to see a strand of their hair, I’m here for the in pores and . I wanna see the color of their eyes…” Josh was really enjoying his drinks, maybe a little too much even. There was a good-looking clique of young girls standing right behind us, throwing eager glances at Josh. He kept fanning his shirt to cool down his sweating body, exposing his toned tummy, which the girls kept staring at. I just smirked at them, happy to act as if I was his girlfriend. I mean, I wasn’t doing any harm by that. It wasn’t like he would’ve liked them anyways.

”, I can see everything from up here”, Josh realized when the lights dimmed out and the crowd started getting hyped up. I had to tilt my head to see Josh’s wide grin. Even with my heels on.

”Lucky you.”

”I thought you wanted to at the back?” Josh shot back at me.

”I changed my mind.”

”I can lift you up you know.”

”I’m good”, I chuckled. That way they would’ve definitely seen me. I embraced the sweet calmness the liquor had once again granted me. It was easy to smile again, not to mention chat with Josh. I was slowly becoming more free. More me.

The crowd screamed for a long time before anything spectacular happened. Even the speakers didn’t stand a chance against the hollering people.

Suddenly Tablo was there, in front of me. I hadn’t noticed him getting on the stage because of my ringing ears. I was too focused on holding my drink so I wouldn’t spill it everywhere. Josh started nodding his head to the music. I didn’t recognize the song, but it was Epik High. I recognized Tablo’s voice.

Then a sad memory hit me, making my vision blurry. I remembered listening to this same song in therapy many years ago. I remembered the time and the situation I had been in. Oh how miserable I had been. The strings in the background brought up the pain I had hidden a long time ago, and I just couldn’t deal with it. I raised my palms to cover my eyes.

After a few seconds I felt a hand on my back. ”Are you okay?”

I shook my head, una