heart of hearts by pandoralacey



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 3/5
Your title is pretty vague though it does tell the readers that the story will be about romance. It seems like a very simple title, but 'heart of hearts' actually represent something other than simple romantic love (which is something hard to explain) and I can understand why you chose 'Heart of Hearts' as the title of your story. It is not a common title because well, people just think that a heart is a heart, and admittedly I do too. I do not think that it is eye-catching, however... maybe because there are many titles that are linked to hearts so your title will not grab one's attention immediately.

Description & Foreword: 9/10
Although I have yet to see how the symbol is relevant to the story, I find it very interesting that it contains three meanings inside. The description has very much accurately described what Kayleenwas going through and it is both relevant and intriguing. I was a bit confused when it comes to the foreword, but after reading prologue I, I get that the foreword actually refers to Kayleen. I feel like the foreword is more of a lesson rather than introducing the readers to the story though... that can be either bad or good. Nevertheless, after reading your description and foreword, I am interested to find out more.

Characters: 18/20
Well, since there are four chapters in so far, it is rather difficult to judge. I will start with the main character, Kayleen first.
I am pretty curious about the reasons why someone who would want to kidnap Kayleen and Seon's relationship with her mother, but I suppose that the answers for these questions will be revealed later on. When I read prologue I, I did sympathise with both Kayleen and Jaison. I feel bad for Kayleen because she knew that Jaison never liked her romantically (rather, he liked her best friend) but she ignored that fact anyway and even proposed marriage. It is all probably due to the pressure that Jaison was facing; because he was indebted to her, so he just followed whatever Kayleen was saying. This situation is very real and this is when nobody can blame either party fully. At chapter three, Kayleen felt like the typical depressed kind of girl but I do not think that her personality just ends there and I look forward to see more of her personality.
Hana and Mio are the typical kind of sisters as well; Mio is the talented one and Hana is the overshadowed one. However, I am really glad that it does not end there. I can see that Hana liked her sister a lot (from Prologue II) but perhaps due to her sister being talented and with the whole issue about her crush liking her sister, she started being jealous of her. I would not say that she necessarily hated her, but more like she wanted to become like Mio and was frustrated because she could not become like her sister. I am surprised when Hana died later on; I really wonder why. As for Mio, she appears to have a bland personality but it seems like she had a mental issue (? in prologue II) and she seems somewhat different in chapter three, so I guess more of her personality will be revealed later on.
Taejun and Taeyoung are basically siblings similiar to Hana and Mio, but they are less developed. I cannot say much for Taejun but Taeyoung certainly faced a similiar problem as with Hana, so I can understand why he developed feelings for her. There is definitely more to Seon as well, but the part about her not falling for his 'killer smile' is kinda weird. I mean, she had been in a mental hospital before and was probably depressed that time so his thoughts did not make sense. All in all, your characters are really well developed so far; keep up the good work!

Plot: 16/20
Your story is basically a few stories intertwined together, however, these stories share a similiarity (which I suppose is the whole idea about 'heart and hearts'). This is a pretty risky choice as you will have to fully develop all the stories, but if you have things well planned then it should be all right. The story I find most interesting for now is Kayleen's but I like the story with the sisters and brothers as well. The plot revolves around the stories of the characters and I think many themes can be discovered through this story. I have not encountered any scenario which I find unbelievable, so the story is very realistic so far. I cannot say that the ideas are very original but you have managed to keep the readers' attention hooked, which is very important for a story. I cannot comment much on the plot because there are still only four chapters, but I will advise you (and to all authors who write romance actually) to always develop relationships between characters well so that readers can understand why that particular character loved the another character. (Note: Infatuation and love are different but many authors mix infatuation with love up which is why the relationships crafted by them are usually unbelievable. When two people really love each other, they will sacrifice for each other and accept each other's flaws, not just because someone is handsome or whatsoever. I honestly think that Taeyoung might really love Hana, but I doubt that Hana truly loved Taejun.)

Flow: 4/5
I have mixed feelings about this because I get slightly confused with the jump of chapters, but nothing too major that impairs how much I had enjoyed the story. The scenes flow well every chapter (perhaps with the exception of prologue I, however. The ending went by a bit too fast for me). The POV stay consistent as third person.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 11/15
You have a tendency to switch between past and present tenses which you have to be very careful of as these mistakes can become glaringly distracting. Also, do not use past tense in dialogues (unless the dialogue is talking about something that had happened in the past). Remember your articles as well, it is a stranger and a girl.
'it depicts a vague line - one side was white, and the latter was black -'
'First love was supposedly like that' - I do not know if the past tense is intentional here but I do think that first love is still like that.
"Ho-How was oppa now?"
You may also want to refrain using complicated sentence structures. Here is an example:
"Everyone started to question Jaison's loyalty; they dissed him saying that he was an unfaithful jerk; how could he hurt Kayleen after being in relationships so long?" - This sentence can be split into two sentences so it would not sound too wordy. You will also make less mistakes like this. "Everyone started to question Jaison's loyalty. They dissed him and said that he was an unfaithful jerk; how could he hurt Kayleen after being in a relationship for so long?"
"There were two persons inside the room - a girl lying on the bed and a...doctor; his one hand was holding at the girl's wrist while the other was injecting something inside the intravenous line that was attached to the girl's right hand." - "There were two people inside the room - a girl who was lying on the bed and... a doctor. One of his hands was holding onto the girl's wrist while the other was injecting something inside the intravenous line that was attached to the girl's right hand."
After 'has', 'have' and 'had', there should be a past participle. 'had came' is not correct because 'come' is the past participle' while 'came' is the past tense. Hence, the correct words should be 'had come'.
There are also numerous grammatical mistakes here and there which can be fixed easily after reading your work a few times. Your vocabulary is exceptional so I have nothing much to say. Just refrain from being too wordy as you may make mistakes more easily. Besides, it will also make your story harder to understand.

Description & Emotions: 10/10
Your story is very descriptive. Not only do you use thoughts to express emotion, but you also describe the characters' actions and behaviour as well. A wonderful job well done here and I really have nothing else to add on.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
I appreciate the layout which is relatively neat. The words are also readable, so that is a plus point. Your background is wonderfully done, but I have a few problems with the poster. The male at the top left corner is blended(?) but the other characters are not really blended. The background is a bit too simple for my liking but sometimes, maybe simplicity is the best.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I have really enjoyed this story that I can really give a five. I look forward to more updates!

Total: 85/100 //B (+) 
A very well-written story, but you may have to work harder and improve on your grammar. Practice makes perfect! Thank you for requesting and do not forget to follow all the rules!

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