don't. by rl_dasommie



Criticism Level: 8

Title: 3/10
Originality: There are many titles like that so I can't say that it's original. (0/2)
Relevance: To be honest, I don't really understand how the title relates to the story. I guess it does fit the beginning somehow, but I'm still kinda skeptical. Maybe you can replace your title with something about love since your story revolves around it. How about Our Perpetual Love? Perpetual basically means everlasting, but since everlasting is overused, that word makes your title more unique. (2/4)
Attractiveness: It's not really eye-catching since it is very vague, and it also doesn't indicate what genre the story belongs to. If you refer to the example I gave in Relevance, Love indicates that the story will be about romance and romance fans may want to check your story out. (1/4)

Description & Foreword: 6/10
Relevance: I guess it's relevant since there's the quote and the other characters. (5/5)
Attractiveness: Admittedly, it isn't really attractive because the description basically contains the details of the story, a quote and the characters. In a way, it's vague and doesn't give much information about the story. All the readers know is that the story is about love, but love can mean a lot of things y'know? I do advise you to have a good description and perhaps a foreword as it will be useful to attract readers to read your story. (1/5)

Setting: 2/5
Relevance: The setting isn't clear so I'm not really sure. The whole idea about Dasom in the bar is relevant, I guess. (2/5)

Characters: 14/20
Originality: It's hard to say for sure. Dasom becomes the bad girl but she is actually sacrificing herself for Kiseop, while Kiseop mistakes her because of her actions. I won't say that they're extremely original, but they're somewhat different from typical characters. (3/5)
Believability: It doesn't make sense why Dasom would tell Kiseop that she is going to the club like that. Doesn't she know that it will hurt his feelings? I don't know about the limit of Kiseop's patience but I am kinda surprised that he faced the situation very calmly. I suppose I'm kinda expecting him to flare up at Dasom or something since she doesn't seem to take his feelings in regard. Why did Kiseop run with Dasom though? You mention that it is his instinct, but it still doesn't really make sense. Did he have a certain expression on his face? Anyway, I can understand why Kiseop treated Dasom coldly during their talk. I'm not blaming her entirely, but I think it's logical for every guy to behave like that when facing the same situation. (In fact, I feel that Kiseop is a bit too tolerant.) Dasom is really selfless, and it's hard to find girls like her in the world but nevertheless, it is possible. What I like about Dasom is that even though her intentions are for the better, she committed crimes so she's not really the perfect kind of female character, and that's splendid. I somewhat wished that the story could focus on that more. (11/15)

Plot: 14/25
Originality: It's not the first time I've seen such a plot. (3/5)
Believability: It doesn't make sense how Kiseop's headache can lead to brain cancer. Brain cancer is a really severe illness, and I highly doubt that a big headache will be the only symptom for it. Besides, how did Dasom know about his illness when he, himself, doesn't know about it? Surgeries are extremely expensive, and it wouldn't be logical if Dasom can pay off the fees just by stealing other people's money. That's technically a crime too, so is she running away from the police? (Then again, the police will probably find Kiseop's house.) Also, their reunion is too coincidental. Kiseop couldn't find Dasom for a month, and then suddenly, he spots her out of the blue? Overall I do find the plot pretty unbelievable and unrealistic. (4/10)
Theme: Well, I suppose I've learnt some themes about love, but nothing really new. (7/10)

Flow: 7/10
Consistency: The headache part and the part when Kiseop discovers the truth are too rushed, and I think they reunited a bit too quickly?... Other than that, the flow's okay. (7/10)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 4/10
Grammar: You have quite a number of grammar issues. You have a real tendency to switch tenses like really, it happens so frequently that I don't even know whether the story is in past or present tense. Please try to stick with one tense throughout the whole story. There are many errors, some minor and some extremely distracting, I've pointed out a few below.
"How many times I've waited like this for her?" - "How many times have I waited like this for her?"
"While waiting for her, I fell into a deep ponder." - 'ponder' is a verb and you can't use it as a noun. "While waiting for her, I pondered deeply."
"I sighed in relieve..." - Spelling error here, it should be 'relief'.
*Note: I did not change the tense because I'm unsure of what tense your story is using. (2/5)
Vocabulary: The story does lack in emotion at certain times and I feel that even in some minor moments, you can still describe Kiseop's feelings. You tend to be repetitive with 'asked', 'said', 'looked' etc. Try to use synonyms of these words. You also use wrong words at certain times, for example 'put her in our bed'. I don't think one will 'put' someone on his or her bed. (By the way, I think it should be 'on' my bed.) (2/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Enjoyment: There are many things that have distracted me and therefore, I can't say that I have thoroughly enjoyed the story. I did find myself enjoy the story in a way or another, however, maybe due to the interesting change of Dasom's actions. (5/10)

Total: 55/100 //D (=)
Additional comments: I apologize if I've been too harsh! I certainly see some potential in your characterization, just try to make the characters and plot more believable and it'll be nice. I hope my advice has helped! I'm sorry for the somewhat late review. Thanks for requesting and please do not forget to follow all the rules! :)

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