How many years ago was it?

I can't remember................

It could have been two years ago. Or three. No.........I think it was my first year of junior high. That might have been almost four years ago.

That was before I moved for high school. Back then, I was in the same school as L. Joe oppa. That was good. He always protected me from the evil, mean, jealous girls and the dirty, gross, teasing boys. But L. Joe oppa wasn't the only one who protected me.

All of Teen Top did.

When did I first meet Teen Top? I think they created that gang right before starting junior high. Or was it middle school?

But I've known them all since elementary school. I remember that.

Bang Minsoo, CAP, seemed scary and intimidating at first, but he was so kind and protective over all his friends. He was especially fond of me, and always bought me snacks and scared the bullies off, even though he was so embarrassed about it he denied doing anything.

Ahn Daniel, Niel, was very flamboyant and outrageous, but he had a heart of gold. He cared a lot for his friends and always knew when I was sad or upset, even when I tried to hide it. He told me that bottling up my feelings would make me explode later on, and he always encouraged me to show my true feelings for everything.

Yoo Changhyun, Ricky, was always one big flirt, even when he was little. He always knew how to make me feel special and important.......something I never felt about myself. He taught me that all girls were beautiful and unique and special.

Choi Jonghyun, Changjo, was never very good at revealing his feelings. He was the most awkward out of Teen Top, which meant we had a lot in common. We gave each other strength, hope, we reassured and encouraged each other.

And Lee Chanhee............Chunji. He was so special. He knew exactly what to say to make me laugh and smile. He was the one that gave me my nickname "flower", which all of the Teen Top boys called me afterwards as their gesture of affection, saying I was as pretty and gentle and delicate as a flower. 

If I was upset, all he needed to do was bend down in front of me, make me look at him, and say "Even if you're crying, it's okay, flower. It's okay to show beautiful tears, even if they're for something sad." That always made me smile.

I loved him.

It was a different love. It wasn't the love I felt for my foster brother, L. Joe. It wasn't the love I felt for my precious, wonderful friends and protectors, the Teen Top boys.

Without anything else I could base it on, the first time I experienced romantic love for somebody I called it my love for Chanhee. Simply that. I never felt this kind of love before, so the only thing I could call it was my love for Chanhee. Just Chanhee. And Chanhee only.

My Chanhee. My Chunji.

I whispered those words over and over before I went to sleep. It was my desperate, innocent wish that one day, if I said those words long enough, someday they would reach his heart. Someday, he might say "My flower. My Haruhi".

But I knew, deep deep down, those words couldn't reach his heart.

I was exactly like a flower. I may have been beautiful when I bloomed, and so delicate and fragile everyone had to treat me with care. But not everybody and everything will treat me delicately. Just like a flower, I was easily forgotten amongst all the other fields of flowers, identical to me. With all those other flowers, people can forget me. I can be forgotten, broken, snapped, trampled over without a second glance.

I could be broken. I was too shaky, too fragile, too delicate.

My words, no matter how heartfelt and sincere, were too fragile to reach my Chanhee, my Chunji's heart.

They were forgotten, broken, snapped, trampled over.

Chunji never knew my love. But I loved him, more than anything. More than the girls who obsessed over him simply for his looks and kind words. More than anybody could.

I could die for this love. I could KILL for this love.

I could have turned from a flower into a tree. A strong, sturdy tree, one so big it was impossible to forget, to break, to snap or trample over. A tree so big I could trample over THEM.

I could have turned from a flower into a tree.

But when I told him I loved him, he said nothing.

"You don't mean sibling love, do you, Haruhi?" He said seriously.

"I don't." I whispered. I wasn't upset. I wasn't heartbroken. I knew he couldn't love me. But I was tired of waiting. If my Chanhee, my Chunji, couldn't feel the words I sent to his heart, I would tell him my words directly. As long as he knew, I wouldn't be a flower anymore. I would be a tree.

I wrote an entire speech of my feelings. I would confess my love, explain why I loved him, tell him it's okay to not love me back as long as I could continue loving him, then we can go on and be the closest fo friends like always. I wrote it down, poured my heart out into the words, learned and memorized them, and prepared to say them.

"Chanhee, listen, I know---" I started to say.

"You have got to be ING joking me." Chunji burst out laughing.

I stopped, bewildered. He wasn't supposed to say that.

"Haruhi, you're kidding me, right?" Chunji snickered. "That's too funny. Oh man.........."

"Chanhee?" I whispered.

"Out of all the girls who throw themselves at me? I'm disappointed, Haruhi." Chunji's words were harsh, clipped, almost angry. "I thought you were different. I thought I could be around at least ONE girl without them swooning over me. You're just like them, Haruhi. Once my face turned appealing, you just became one of them, following after me like a dog."

"No, I wasn't!" I started to stammer. "Chanhee, I'm not the same! I ----"

"I doubt it. Save your words." Chunji muttered. "I'm outta here."

See, while I was busy trying to make my words reach his heart, I wasn't paying attention to Chunji's heart itself. He was growing arrogant and confident with all the attention he got for both his good looks and his athletism. He had become a role model for the school, both handsome, appealing, smart, and talented. And it made his heart bigger, but not the right way.

He grew annoyed with the relentless fans. He started to think that all girls were the same, that they only chased men for their looks. He thought I was the only one who was different. He thought wrong.

He thought I was like the others. And he never gave me a chance to explain my love, to tell him my speech.

He never let me tell him about my 'love for Chanhee'.

Then he turned around and walked away.

Of course, a few weeks later, when I said nothing about my love anymore, he turned back to normal. He became my Chanhee, my Chunji again. One who was special, who was kind, who could make me laugh and smile.

But it wasn't the same. It would never be the same. Because once, only once, he turned away from me. But that was enough to break my heart and shatter me.

As I stared at his back, as he walked away from me, the tree I was slowly building in my heart, the tree I wanted to turn into, shrivelled up and died.

All that was left was a flower, resting at the base of the wasted ruins and twisted remains of the dead tree.

A tiny, tiny flower.

It was bubble-gum pink, it hunched over and hid behind its leaves because it was too shy, too afraid to interact with others. A tiny flower that was beautiful, so fragile and delicate, like a tiny angel.

A tiny flower that was easily forgettable, broken, snapped, trampled over.

All that was left.

A flower.

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LOL sorry to anyone who noticed I accidentally missed out poor Changjo in the heartfelt descriptions. SORRY CHANGJO BUDDY!!!Anyway, to those who see Changjo on there, it's cuz I fixed it. :)