Title: 10 points

Your title does a good job of summarizing your story.  I love its reference to the relationship between Tiffany and Taeyeon.

Description: 8 points

Your description does a good job of captivating the reader.  However, the character profiles are not necessary.  Assuming that you will repeat everything in the character profiles in the actual story, using these profiles will just be redundant.

Also, there are some grammar-related issues in your description.  The lack of sentence variation also adds to the choppiness of your description.  I would edit your description and combine sentences to make your description more concise.

I would personally move your author’s note to the foreword rather than the description, as the foreword is a better place for an author’s note.

Foreword: N/A

Because you only credited people in your foreword, I didn’t count this section.

Presentation: 7 points

You might want to edit the character section.  Instead of “main characters: Taeyeon, Tiffany. Sub characters: Yuri and someone…”, I would simply change it to “Taeyeon, Tiffany, Yuri, Jessica”.  Because you tagged the story with “Jessica”, saying “someone who shall not be named” is not necessary, as people will assume that it’s Jessica anyway.

In your description, you use italics when you could just use a regular font.

You might want to consider separating the author’s note at the end of the chapter with a separator line.

The spacing between paragraphs is not uniform, which is a big distraction as people read your story.

Spelling & Grammar: 7 points

You did a good job with spelling, as I did not notice any spelling errors as I read through your story.

There are some issues with your grammar, however, and I will point out one of the biggest ones here:

You use ,”. at the end of some of your dialogues.  If you are going to end a sentence with dialogue, you do not use a comma, end quotations, then a period.  You simply use a period and then use the end quotations.  For example:

Original: “You heard the girl, restrain only,”.
Correction: “You heard the girl.  Restrain only.”

You also used “you’re own refrigerator” in your fanfiction, when it should be “your own refrigerator”.

You might want to consider getting a beta reader, who will help you improve your grammar.

Style: 20 points

If you are going to switch between points of view, then don’t do it in the middle of a chapter.  Try to keep the point of view as consistent as possible, as stating “Tiffany’s P.O.V” or “Taeyeon’s P.O.V.” ruins the flow of your story.  If you want to write from different points of view, then consider using third person instead of first person, as that will allow you to write from anyone’s point of view without having to state it.

Diction: You do a pretty good job here.  Your words convey what you want them to convey, and you have a good handle of what works and what does not.

Syntax: You might want to consider varying your sentence structure as you continue to update.  For example, what if I said something like, “I like him.  His smile brightens up my day.  He makes me happy.  I don’t know what I’d do without him”.  Grammatically, everything checks out, but if you read it aloud, you can see that it sounds choppy.  On the other hand, what if I said, “I like him because his smile brightens up my day, and he makes me happy whenever I see him.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.”  This is the same four sentences combined into two.

The best way to vary your sentence structure is to read your writing out loud.  That way, you can check for places where your writing sounds choppy and fix it.

Imagery: You do a really good job with imagery.  You use it in places where it needs to be used, never more or less.  You do a good job of describing scenes, especially the violent scenes, which are the most difficult to describe.  Good job.

Dialogue: You also do a pretty good job here.  The dialogue is realistic, and it serves a purpose.  Good job here as well.

Flow: 20 points

The pacing of your story is good; keep writing at that pace.

Characterization: 30 points

Stephanie/Tiffany: Tiffany’s way of coping with life is very realistic, which I love.  Her fear is real, as is her hatred, yet no matter how much she tries to convince herself that she hates her parents, she tells Jessica to go easy on them in your latest update.  No matter how much Tiffany believes that she is void of care, she still does, which shows how human she really is.  The scene where Tiffany became filled with rage in Taeyeon’s car, however, seemed so out of character for her, as I’ve noticed that Tiffany takes on a more passive form of anger (by ignoring, pretending, etc.) rather than an active one.  Sometimes, her facade is so fake that I get the feeling that Tiffany wants someone to find out, wants someone to into her life and learn everything about her.  Her character has a lot of potential, and I can’t wait to see how you continue to develop her as your story moves along. 

Taeyeon: Taeyeon seems like Tiffany’s opposite at first, yet as the story progresses, the readers are able to see how similar the two actually are.  Taeyeon comes off as a tsundere character, for a lack of a better term, and constantly falls into the typical traits of a tsundere.  I understand that this is her character, yet I hope that as the story progresses, you show us how Taeyeon grows as a person (by accepting others into her life, by putting her trust in others, etc.).  She has already asked Tiffany to trust her, yet she needs to go the other half of the way and put her trust in Tiffany.

Plot: 50 points

Believability: Tiffany’s reactions to certain situations, such as shopping, were surprising, as they sometimes made her seem like a child rather than a teenage girl.

Originality: Unlike other stories, your story took place in America rather than Korea.  Some scenes seemed a little cliche, such as the fact that Taeyeon’s event and Tiffany’s family dinner took place in the same restaurant.  Because your plot is different from the usual plot, you’re doing a good job of keeping the readers on their toes.

Consistency: Everything seemed pretty consistent.

Overall: no points here

This is a new genre for me as well, and I’m afraid that I couldn’t really offer much help.  I love your characters, and I think that your plot is interesting.  Thank you for requesting for a review, and I apologize for the long wait.

Total: 152/210 -> 72%