Title: 9 points

Maybe it’s because you haven’t gotten into the plot yet, but Minho and Taemin’s relationship does not seem unbreakable at all.  It seems quite the opposite, and I am interested to see you’ll incorporate the strength of their relationship into your story.

Description: 12 points

You might want to adjust your description just a little bit because you reveal Szara’s father’s identity in the second chapter.  I do like how you keep the description short and to the point, which does a good job of hooking the reader.

Also, here’s a suggested fix to your description, which gets rid of some of the wordiness:

This series depicts how Taemin and Minho keep their bond intact despite the setbacks that threaten to break it.  The presence of Sulli and Szara, a four-year-old girl with an unknown father, threatens to break their relationship, but the couple continues to hold onto their unbreakable bond.

Foreword: 9 points

You do a pretty good job of writing your foreword, so there aren’t many things I can say about it.  There are some small grammar things which are understandable, but they don’t really take away from the content of your foreword.

You wanted help on tagging, but I think you’ve done a good job with your tagging already. 

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good here.

Spelling & Grammar: 12 points

Your spelling is pretty good; if you did make any spelling errors, they were minor and unnoticeable.

There are some grammar-related issues here, and I’ll point out the major ones:

1) Thoughts don’t need quotation marks.  If you’re going to use italics to identify thoughts, then you don’t need quotation marks.

2) You put commas in places where commas are not necessary.  For example, you write:
Original: However, calling Minho his ex, sounded so wrong to Taemin’s ears.
Correction: However, calling Minho his ex sounded so wrong to Taemin’s ears.
Original: Sulli raised herself off the couch, and stripped off her shirt.
Correction: Sulli raised herself off the couch and stripped off her shirt.
There are other instances, but I will not point them all out here.

Style: 11 points

I’d personally stick to real names versus stage names, as stage names tend to ruin the flow of the story.  Both Minho and Taemin use their real names, but Sulli’s real name is Jinri.  It’s not that big of a deal, but it’s something to keep in mind for future fanfictions.

Show the difference between flashbacks and thoughts by using gray for the flashbacks.  Both use italics, so it will be hard for the readers to tell which is which.

You shouldn’t use “eomma” when you can use “mom” or “mommy” or “mother” instead.

Diction: When you use words such as “infinitesimal” and “visage”, you take away from the flow of your story.  You might wonder why a large vocabulary does not enhance your story, and that is because of context.  In context, you stick to simpler words that most know.  When you say that “an infinitesimal sly smirk curled at the edge of his lips,” you don’t give the readers any context. 

Going back to what I said to GreenGardenPop, when using more complicated vocabulary, make sure to use context clues that can explain the word well.  For example, if I used “He was sagacious”, and you didn’t know what the word meant, you wouldn’t be able to figure out the word without looking it up.  However, if you used “His sagacious opinion of the girl’s character shocked her, as everything he said was true”, you’d have a better idea of the word’s meaning.

Sometimes, you could improve your word choice, as when you use “whispered forcefully loud” to describe Sulli’s manner of speech.  Instead, you could use a word like “screamed” or “begged” or something along those lines.

Syntax: Because of the way you structure some of your sentences, the meaning gets lost.  By tightening your sentence structure, you can keep the meanings in tact.  For example:

Original: As Taemin gazed lifelessly at the starry, night sky, one of his hands swung around a silver, shiny locket.  The only pure silence that accompanied him at that night sounded so guiltless.
Correction: As Taemin gazed lifelessly at the starry night sky, he swung a silver, shiny locket around with his hands.  Only pure silence accompanied him that night, sounding guiltless.

Imagery: Sometimes you overuse your adjectives, which only add unnecessary description to your nouns.  Limiting your use of adjectives can make your writing more concise.

Dialogue: Sometimes, your dialogue sounds unnatural, like when you say, “Are yours bite-able?”.  To help make your dialogue sound more natural, I would listen to conversations between the people around you; see what people say and what they don’t say, and then apply that to your writing.

Flow: 10 points

Because you don’t use transitions between the different time frames, the flow gets confusing.  You might want to reorder the events in your story so that everything goes in order, or you might want to consider using transitions.  A further explanation can be found at this website, near the bottom of the article.

Characterization: 21 points

Taemin: Taemin acts like a child.  When he walks in on Minho and Sulli, he does not even bother to knock.  He waits for them to notice him instead of respecting their privacy.  He calls Sulli a for making Minho act like that, instead of admitting that Minho is not resisting Sulli.  Minho is his only purpose in life; he seems so dependent on Minho that he’ll do anything to be next to Minho, which is Taemin’s fatal flaw.

Minho: Minho’s ignorance can be attributed to the fact that he has amnesia and has no idea who Taemin is.  Until Minho regains his memory, character development will be difficult.

Sulli: Sulli from two days ago and the current Sulli act like two completely different people.  It may have been due to the fact that Sulli from the past was ually aroused, which made her come off as childish.  However, when she tries to apologize to Taemin, she seems like a reasonable and rational person.  You create all of these personalities for Sulli, but you don’t fully  develop any of them, which makes Sulli seem like a character whose sole purpose is to move the plot along and act as the antagonist.

Szara: Because you say that Szara is four years old, she should not be “toddling”.  From the way she speaks and the way you describe her, she sounds like she is about two years old.  Here is a website that describes the traits of a four year old.

Plot: 30 points

Believability: If Szara was really Minho’s child, then he and Sulli would have already had ual , so it is impossible that Sulli is a .  Minho would have taken her ity the first time they had , if anything.  He completely believed that Szara was his daughter, which implies that he did have with Sulli before.

Originality: You have birth secrets and memory loss, but I am interested to see how you’ll add bits of your own flavor to the plot.

Consistency: You haven’t reached the plot yet; you’ve only slightly brushed the edge of it.  Minho and Taemin are completely broken right now, but the point of the plot is to show how they are not broken.

Overall: no points here

I haven’t read a fanfic in a while, so I was a little rusty when I first started reading your fanfiction.  You have a lot of potential, especially since you’re only two chapters into your writing.  Thank you for requesting for a review, and I’m sorry that it took so long to do.

Total: 129/220 -> 59%