Title: 10 points

I like the reference to the film/musical, and the title matches the feel of the story.

Description: 6 points

At first read, I did not quite understand your description.  After reading, though, I began to understand it.  The point of the description is to draw readers in, so having a clear description is important.  You should fix the grammar of the description.  I would suggest something like:

Thanks to a school event, Baekyeon becomes real.

Another suggestion would be to use lyrics from “You’re the One that I Want”.  But it’s honestly up to you whether you’d like to change it or not.

Foreword: 4 points

Your character profiles are not necessary, as you include all of this information in the story itself.  Instead, you could add an author’s note, lyrics, or anything interesting that you were doing while writing the story.

Presentation: 12 points

Everything should preferably be formatted on the left. 

I know you didn’t write this on your laptop, so you should go back and fix all of the inconsistent spacing between the bits of the story.  Instead of skipping ten or so lines, you could skip a few lines or use something like <:> to indicate a break in the scene.  You could also use the horizontal line feature in the AFF text editor.

Spelling & Grammar: 10 points

I know that English is not your first language, so I won’t be too harsh.  You seem to understand English grammar rules pretty well, which is really impressive!

You should run your work through a spell-checker, which should help with spelling.

My main concern lies within tense consistency.  You tend to switch from past to present often.

Also, when new people speak, you need to make that a new paragraph, or else it gets confusing, especially when you don’t indicate who is speaking.

Style: 16 points

Korean words are not necessary.  “Mianhae” could easily be “sorry” and “Aniyo” could easily be written as “No”.  It flows better.

Your writing is dialogue-heavy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  However, because you have a lot of dialogue, you tend to lose out on description.  There were some scenes in Grease that I would’ve loved to see described more (e.g. the first scene and all of the basketball scenes).

Flow: 10 points

There are some parts of your story that are too fast.  You switch from talking about Taeyeon to talking about Baekhyun almost immediately in Part 3.  Then, in Part 4, you have the romantic dance scene and immediately transition to Truth or Dare.  Just try to work on connecting all of your scenes together, and it should turn out okay.

Characterization: 10 points

In Grease, no one went outside of their stereotypes.  Taeyeon is the “dorky leader”.  All we know about Baekhyun is that he plays basketball and is in love with Taeyeon.  Kris and Jessica are the secondary characters, and the readers don’t know much about them either.

You should have more Baekyeon interactions, which would help develop both of their characters.  What do they do when they aren’t together?  What are their hobbies?  Likes?  Dislikes?  If you answer these questions, then you’ll create stronger, more memorable characters.

Plot: 30 points

The plot is cute.  Two people fall in love after performing in a school event together.  You had a lot of potential with this plot, and you did a decent job of executing it.

However, Baekhyun and Taeyeon fell in love very quickly.  You should imply that they’ve liked each other for a really long time and have just been in denial, or you should make this story longer and write their love story in more detail.  Otherwise, their love seems like a spur-of-the-moment type of love.

I would’ve liked to see more practices for the school event.  This could be another way to show Baekhyun and Taeyeon slowly falling in love with each other.

The Jongin and Yoona couple at the end seemed almost unnecessary.  If you want to include that, you should start dropping hints from the beginning, instead of putting them in at the end.  Otherwise, you don’t even need to include them in the story (as they have almost no effect on the main characters).

Overall: no points here

I’ve decided to review Grease and Last Christmas Song separately but together (if that even makes sense).  I enjoyed reading Grease, but I wish that it was longer, so that I could imagine the main characters falling in love.

Thank you for requesting a review, and I apologize for the long wait!

Total: 108/220 -> 49%

Title: 10 points

The title fits well with your story.  Good job!

Description: 9 points

To be fair to Kris and Jessica, you should include a little bit of their relationship trouble in your description as well.  You do a better job of catching people’s interest in Last Christmas Song than you do in Grease, though the last paragraph alone would be enough description for me.

After reading through your story, I would consider revising the description to focus more on the preparation for the last musical, since the focus of your story is more on that than on Baekhyun telling Taeyeon that he loves her.

Foreword: 4 points

The same thing I mentioned about character profiles in Grease also applies here.

Presentation: 14 points

Your graphic has a lot of colors in it.  You might want to consider picking a few colors and sticking to those.  Otherwise, everything looks okay.

Spelling & Grammar: 8 points

When people speak, you should use quotation marks.  You used them in Grease, so you should also use them here.

For spelling, you should use a spell-checker.

Some of my other concerns were already addressed in the Grease review.

Style: 22 points

You do a better job of balancing dialogue and description here than in Grease, which is good.

My other thoughts were also already addressed in the Grease review.

Flow: 15 points

The pacing is better here than in Grease, though you still need to slow down in some places.

Characterization: 20 points

We learn a little more about Baekhyun and Taeyeon in the sequel, though not enough.  You also rely a little on Grease to carry your characters.  If you work on answering the questions I provided in the Grease review, your characters will get stronger.

Plot: 30 points

There isn’t really one big plot as much as there are a bunch of little scenes combined together in one chapter.  You seemed to have fun writing the singing scene, but I wished that you had focused more on Baekhyun and Taeyeon’s relationship (which is what you hinted at in your description).  Instead, the “I love you” bit was thrown in at the end, and it did not feel as climactic as it could have been had you focused more on it.

Kris and Jessica have their own little scenes, but there are still questions regarding them, which you should address in a sequel of this sequel.  Why is Kris going?  What does Jessica say?  I hope that you can answer these questions in a future story.

Overall: no points here

Overall, Last Christmas Song was stronger mechanically than Grease was.  Thank you again for requesting a review!

Total: 132/220 -> 60%