Title: 8 points

The title is a little plain, but it makes sense in the context of your story.

Description: 11 points

Your description implies that the story is going to be a romantic comedy, but you’ve tagged “angst” and “”. You might want to consider including a clip of an angsty part of your story instead to keep the mood consistent.

From the description alone, it feels like your average story, but I know that it isn’t. Try to make it stand out from other stories.

Foreword: 9 points

Your foreword is okay, but I would try to make it as formal as possible.

Presentation: 5 points

Get rid of the italics. It makes the story difficult to read. The only places that need italics are flashbacks and words you want to emphasize.

Spelling & Grammar: 10 points

I would recommend getting a beta reader to help you with your grammar, since you mentioned that English isn’t your first language. Sometimes, beta readers even help you with plot and story structure.

Style: 10 points

If you insist on doing point of view, try to limit it to one per chapter. If you keep on switching throughout the chapter, then the readers don’t have enough time to see the world through the eyes of each character.

Overall, your story is very dialogue heavy, and while that is okay, I think that you should consider adding more description overall. You could expand on setting (when appropriate) and what the characters see through their eyes. Furthermore, I am not very experienced with writing, but I would have liked a little more description in those scenes.

However, your dialogue is good! It really helps that you’ve written so much of it because good dialogue definitely gets easier with time.

Flow: 5 points

You should introduce your characters a bit before putting them into your story, not after. What I mean is that you threw in a Baekhyun point of view before we even knew that Baekhyun was a character in your story. Same with Lu Han.

Overall, the flow is a little too fast, mainly because the chapters are short. You should spend more time developing each chapter. Include more information: where are the characters? Why do they feel a certain way? How are their feelings changing? Why are their feelings changing? These are some things you should think about.

Characterization: 10 points

Chanyeol: Chanyeol’s character is problematic. In three days, he goes from not caring about Kyungsoo at all to falling in love with Kyungsoo. It feels more like infatuation, even borderline stalking. Chanyeol seems creepy, not romantic. He even touched Kyungsoo in his sleep, and Kyungsoo did not consent to that. To make Chanyeol less creepy, you should expand more on his relationship with Kyungsoo. Make more Chanyeol point-of-view chapters in between some of your current ones of him realizing his feelings. It should be a gradual thing, not something he wakes up with the next morning.

Kyungsoo: Kyungsoo is more consistent in his character. He almost comes off as an Anti-Sue, so make sure that you don’t always focus on the negatives of his life and focus on some of the positive things. However, other than being bad at math, Kyungsoo does not seem to have any interests or hobbies or skills. Maybe you want to give Kyungsoo a hobby (music, maybe?) that helps him deal with his pain.

Chaelin: Chaelin is guilty of “OPPA, OPPA”. When a female character says oppa too much, she seems somewhat childish. She also is very inconsistent, switching from childish to conniving in a matter of scenes. Furthermore, Chaelin hasn’t appeared enough for us to find out anything significant about her, so simply including her in more scenes should help with her character development.

Baekhyun: I think that Baekhyun is the most interesting character because while he is kind of irritating and obnoxious, he does have a moral compass. I’d like to see more of him in future chapters.

Plot: 50 points

You have a lot of story threads that you mentioned and have to address before the story ends, including:

• the black car
• Lu Han?
• does Chaelin really like Chanyeol?

Of course, there are other questions that you have to answer, and I hope that you get around to answering them.

I think that your plot is decently strong, which definitely makes writing a fanfic easier.

Overall: no points here

I think that your plot is pretty strong, which is good, while your characters are on the weaker end, which isn’t so good. I think that making your chapters longer would help, which I can see you doing near the more recent chapters. Overall, an interesting read. Good luck on continuing the story!

Thank you for requesting a review, and I’m sorry that it took so long!

Total: 118/220 -> 54%