Hi, I’m blue_jacket, guest-reviewing for kpopluvr18. Since this is my first review, I’m still getting a feel for how this all works. But I tried to justify my score as best as I could. If there’s anything I missed or misinterpreted, please let me know in your comment to this shop.  Do not try to contact me through my profile.  Also as a side note/disclaimer, I don’t know much about any Asian actors, musicians, or singers whatsoever, so I cannot judge the accuracy of a character.  Although I am experienced in writing original stories, I’ve never written fanfiction.  Despite this, I hope you take the time to consider my opinion, and in return, I hope I was able to help you improve in some way. :)

Title: 7/10

The title fit well with the story, and it tied in nicely to the dying flower, Slay (haha). I immediately got a sense of the romance-angst genre you were going for. As for originality, it had a cliche feel to it since many titles begin with "The Last..." So only readers looking for this specific type of FF will be drawn to it, in terms of its eye-catching ability. 

Description: 12/15

It like how it's short and concise. The fragments are mildly intriguing at best, but the diary entry was the hook and sinker. I think you should make a separate paragraph between "tears" and "but". It'll help with the aesthetic appeal. But that's just up to your preference.

Foreword: 8/10

Others may claim that just an author's note isn't enough, but that's essentially all I'm looking for.  I believe forewords are a good place for the author to put his/her voice and give readers a little background/insight behind your thought process. However, since it is part of your story, it should be treated with the same formality.

Presentation: 13/15

Good presentation: nothing too elaborate, but nothing that struck me as bad. As for the story, italics alone work fine for the diary entries.

Spelling and Grammar: 10/20

No problems with spelling. Although I appreciate that you didn’t use any overly complicated words, your choice of them is awkward in some places. There are many grammatical issues, which takes away from the story.  The main ones are verb-tense discrepancies:

Ex. 1) Secondly, I didn't think that I was good enough for him.

2) This was why he didn't like it when Sera decided to hide...

3) No words can describe how sad I'd be if he left/leaves me…

4) ...attacking my mind and all I could do was sob and attempt to pull my wrist from him...

...And run-on sentences with awkward wording:

Ex. 1) He smiled at the memory of that moment. (Period. End the sentences more frequently or else they’ll seem wordy. The rest of the sentence doesn’t make sense, considering that she was obviously traumatized by the experience.)

2) He is such a gentleman. (Period.) I saw him while he was taking care of his ill mother. (Period.) It was so touching that I cried/felt like crying/almost cried.

3) Then a smile curved on his face. (Period.) He was quite sure that Sera wouldn’t have thrown out that flower. (Period.) He doubted that so much.

Others I noticed were uncapitalized I's and incorrect punctuation, especially around quotations and where separate sentences should be.  There are many nuances in the English language that may be overlooked by some but will stick out like a slap to the face to others. There’s no easy way to learn all the rules, but speaking, reading, and listening to more of it will prove to be your best teacher.  Or you could just get a beta-reader.

Style: 11/30

Here is where the story suffers most. Although most of your choice of words were fine, there were a number that struck me as odd:

Ex. However, I’m still his daughter. (Take out “the one that being produced from his and my mother, so I feel responsible for this matter.” This is already implied.)

The majority of Sera’s diary entries do not read like they should. I can’t hear her voice. Also, her signature after each entry is strange and unnecessary. There's just no reason for it.

The third person explanations of Lay’s thoughts do not allow the reader to truly connect with him.  In this case, it would have been much more impactful if his point of view was written in first person. 

Flow: 15/20

The story progresses nicely at an appropriate pace, which is difficult to do. The wordiness, grammatical errors, and poor syntax are what impede it and make the story much longer than it should’ve been. 

Characterization: 30/40

Overall, the characterization was fine. I liked how we slowly learn about Sera and Lay with every entry.  For the most part, their reactions were believable and realistic, but they’re not unique.  You need to develop your characters in the way that only rings true to you. As it is, the story is the average one about a shy girl who meets a lonely guy, turns out they're eons apart financially, some misunderstanding happens that causes them to split up, and then one of them abruptly dies.  Using the diary entries is one step in the right direction (and even naming the flower was something I’ve never thought of before), but you need to go further. What can you do to make your story different than all the rest? Only you can decide.

Plot: 45/60

The plot was not as believable due to several holes.  One is about the flower. It’s possible that I missed it, but what kind of flower was it? Most importantly, there is no way that it lasted for nearly an entire year.  The only way this would be possible is if the flower was actually still attached to the plant, in which it had to have been potted and probably just needed some more water. But then that means she would’ve had to cut it in order to bring it to Japan and later stick it in her diary. So then, it had to have been a pressed flower.  But there’s no indication that it was, not to mention it would have been too flimsy for him to hold when it fell out in the end. My other theory is magic, but that's a last resort that readers are seldom happy with in these sorts of stories.

Overall:

For English not being your first language, it’s a good start. As my first fanfic, you set high standards for my next review.  I hope you continue to write, because although there is much to improve, you only have more to gain.  Thank you and good luck!

Score: 151/220 -- 69%

kpopluvr18: Some other things:

Instead of using Lay, I’d recommend using Yixing.  It makes the story flow better.

Some parts of your story, especially when you use third person to describe Lay’s feelings, feel like you’re telling the reader rather than showing the reader.  Revealing Lay’s mother’s reason for being cold to Sera is one example of poor exposition.  Through Lay, you tell the reader the reasons behind certain actions.  You don’t allow the readers to come to those conclusions on their own.  Like blue_jacket said, I feel like there would have been a greater impact if your story was told from the first person point of view.

I do like the symbolism behind the flower, but I felt as though you did not have to state its importance out loud.  

Thank you for requesting a review!  

Note: blue_jacket will be helping with reviews from time to time due to my busy schedule.  I will have other guest reviewers from time to time, but that does not mean that I'll stop reviewing altogether.  I will still do reviews, so don't worry about that.  I'll also be adding in my comments below the guest reviewer's review.  MoonGlowes will also be around from time to time, whenever he is not busy with his graphic shop.