Title: 10 points

I liked the title.  It did a good job connecting to the story.  You made connections to your title both literally and figuratively, as Jongin longs for Haneul to act more alive as the days go by and at the end, when Jongin wishes that Haneul had continued living.  Good job.

Description: 15 points

I like how you combine the two songs.  It’s very clever, and it makes sense.  Even the quote by Westerfeld, while a little confusing before reading, makes sense after reading your story.

Foreword: 3 points

I like the meaning that you’re trying to get across, but I feel like you’re going a little overboard, which clouds the meaning of the point you’re trying to make.  I’d argue that you don’t need the middle two paragraphs to get the point across.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good.

Spelling & Grammar: 7 points

Your grammar gets in the way of the meaning of the story.  English is not your first language, so I would recommend a beta reader or a friend to check over your work after the contest you’ve entered your work in finishes.

Style: 10 points

Diction: Sometimes, you use bigger words that don’t get the meaning across clearly.  I would avoid bigger words until you know the connotations behind them.  Here’s a post by an AFF author that explains this in greater detail.

Dialogue: Your dialogue sounds unnatural at times.  For example:

“Kai, there’s something that you’ve to know about Ha Neul. I love her as a friend only, not more than that. Before the accident takes place, I find her not far from you. We walk together and saw you’re spacing out on the middle of the road. That’s why I call your name, but Ha Neul notice the car is coming towards you. In the meantime, she run up to you and got hit before you can. I think that’s a genuine feeling from her, she really loves you a lot.”

vs.

“Kai, there’s something that you should know about Ha Neul.  I only loved her as a friend, okay?  And...before the accident, I saw her first.  We walked around for a bit before seeing you, and so I called your name.  Ha Neul noticed the car first...and she pushed you out of the way so that you wouldn’t get hurt.  She loved you, Kai.  You’re an idiot if you don’t see it.”

The dialogue flows better if it sounds a little more realistic.  Getting a beta and having them help with dialogue will really improve the flow and style of the story.  I would also recommend reading it aloud, just to get a better idea of how it sounds.

Flow: 17 points

The pacing was a little too fast for an angst fic, especially as you reached the end of the story.  You could’ve played with the Jongin’s love-hate relationship with Haneul a little more. 

Characterization: 10 points

Haneul: Haneul is a mystery, so I’m glad that you clear some of the mysteries up before she passes away.  She holds everything in, and the readers never see her speak throughout the entire story (except in the flashbacks).  I wished that you had shown more moments of Haneul vulnerable, but as this story is told through Kai’s eyes, we can only see so much of her vulnerability.  Haneul almost comes off as an Mary Sue, but you avoid it.  Even though she has a condition that prevents her from speaking, she excels in art, piano, writing, and she’s pretty.  She also has twelve guys doting on her.

Jongin: The way you had Jongin react to his parents’ death was strange.  The way you set him up, he shouldn’t have gotten angry at Haneul.  He got mad at others for messing with her, and he was very protective of her.  Of course, the news would have shocked him, but he should’ve picked up on the fact that she was hiding the information for his own good.  He goes from caring to indifferent, from love to hate, in an instant, making his intentions seem fake (i.e. taking care of Haneul because he is in love with her, not because he feels obligated as a brother to protect her).  He’s childish and selfish, even at the end, when he barely shows any regret.  In my opinion, another chapter of Jongin mourning and reflecting over Haneul would’ve helped redeem his character.

You could’ve written the entire story without using all of the Exo members.  Having Sehun and maybe Kris would’ve been enough.

Plot: 45 points

Believability: Overall, it was believable.  A girl finds out that she is the cause of her brother’s situation and reacts accordingly.  However, why would Haneul’s parents continue to send her to school, knowing her condition?  They could’ve hired a home tutor for her.  Like I mentioned above, Kai jumps from love to hate almost immediately, which seems unrealistic for a guy who really loved his sister.  Also, all of the Exo members dote on Haneul.

Originality: This wasn’t the most original story I’ve seen, but you did do some things that surprised me.

Consistency: You remain consistent throughout the entire story.  Good job.

Overall: no points here

I’m sorry that I could not get your review out before the contest closed!  Your story has a lot of potential, and I would really consider finding a beta reader once your contest ends.

Thank you for requesting a review, and I’m sorry that it took so long!

Total: 132/220 -> 60%