Title: 9 points

Although your story is still in its beginning stages, your title does a good job of representing your story so far.  Your title gives off a cliche feeling, however, which might turn some people away in the long run.

Description: 11 points

You do a good job of interesting readers with your description, especially because you used questions.  Asking the reader questions (e.g. Will he find his happily ever after) helps draw them in.  However, I feel as though the quotes are unnecessary.  If you insist on keeping the quotes, however, I’d suggest limiting them; perhaps each character could have one quote instead of three?  When choosing quotes, you want to pick ones that show the characters at their best.  For Baekhyun, perhaps you could find an instance when he acts like he has an IQ of 145 (like his explanation of iron(II) and iron(III)?). 

As for grammar-related issues, you seem to have a solid mastery of the English language.  However, your sentences are a bit wordy and could be edited to become cleaner and more concise.

Foreword: 9 points

Although you’ve expressed that you don’t believe that your foreword is an actual foreword, I do think that you do a good job of writing it.  I like how you link the story to your real life experiences, and I like how you keep the foreword simple.  I would be wary of opening up the option to let your readers request character appearances, as that might prevent you from focusing on the main plot.

Some small grammar-related issues are present, but they don’t affect the overall message that you’re trying to get across.

Presentation: 12 points

You use bits of purple throughout the fanfic, which I’d use sparingly.  For fanfics, dark colors are ideal, and black is the best.  You don’t have to change it, but it’s something to keep in mind.

Your graphics are fine, though you might want to consider adding your name to the poster.  You could also request from a graphic shop; they’d be happy to make you posters.

Spelling & Grammar: 15 points

For the occasional spelling mistake, run spell check in your word processor before posting your fanfic or use AFF’s nifty spell checker (which, when enabled, will underline misspelled words).

Most of your grammar mistakes deal with wordiness and tense errors.  For example:

Original: “Oppa, have you finished killing the monsters?” Byun Bora asked her older brother excitedly when she saw him coming in. (wordy)
Possible Correction: “Oppa, have you finished killing the monsters?” his little sister Bora exclaimed as he entered her room.

Original: “It’s way too easy, I finished it in fifteen minutes.”
Possible Correction: “It was way too easy; I finished it in fifteen minutes.”

To help with wordiness, you could read your story out loud.  Sentences that sound awkward are most likely awkward. 

Style: 20 points

Korean words are not necessary.  Where you have “omma”, you could easily use “mom”.  When Suzy screams for Baekhyun in the forest, she yells “eodiya”, but she could easily say “where are you”.  Korean words don’t really enhance your writing; they tend to mess with the overall message of the story.  I’d recommend sticking to English as much as possible, only using Korean to describe Korean things, like a hanbok, for example.

Diction: For the most part, you use your vocabulary appropriately, though I wish that you’d take a step further with it.  For example:
Original: “HEY!” He shouted ridiculously loudly.
Possible Correction: “Hey!” He screamed.

Syntax: You do a pretty good job varying your sentence structures as well.  There isn’t really much to say here.

Imagery: I’ve noticed that you tend to overuse imagery in places where it is not quite needed.  Likewise, when imagery is a good idea, you don’t use it.  A good example of when imagery is not quite needed is when Baekhyun first falls into the forest and looks around in Chapter 2.  An example of where you might want to add more details, for example, is in Chapter 8, when Baekhyun describes the room as “amazing”.  How is it amazing?  What is the view like from the window?  You mention these things, but you don’t go into fine detail about them.

Dialogue: Perhaps for dialogue, you could work on making it match with the characteristics of the person speaking.  For the most part, when Baekhyun speaks, I forget that he is supposed to have an IQ of 145.  One thing to keep in mind would be the way in which the medieval characters talk.  Of course, Baekhyun should sound like he’s from the 21st century, but the medieval characters should sound like they’re from a fairy tale.  Overall, however, I do enjoy how the dialogue sounds natural.  You do a good job of finding the balance between too formal and too informal. 

Flow: 20 points

Because your story only has twelve chapters so far, it is difficult to give an accurate grade in this category.  However, what you have so far is good.  The pacing is perfect; keep writing at that pace.

Characterization: 35 points

Baekhyun: Baekhyun is described as “average” in your description, yet he has an IQ of 145.  Personally, I feel like you could get rid of his IQ, as it does not really play an important role in the story.  To me, Baekhyun does not seem average.  He’s curious, and he knows the difference between right and wrong, yet he seems slightly immature.  I hope that, as your fic progresses, Baekhyun develops as a person.

Suzy: You do a good job of characterizing Suzy.  She’s independent, and she can be sassy and sarcastic at times.  The best way to bring out Suzy’s character is through dialogue.  Like Baekhyun, I hope that Suzy will mature by the end of the story and become a reliable person.

Jieun: You’ve just introduced Jieun, so there isn’t much to say about her.  She seems slightly 4-D, and I feel like you could use that to add bits of comedy to her character. 

Overall, you do a decent job of characterizing everyone.  Just keep your end result in mind, and I think that you’ll do a good job with character development.

Plot: 50 points

note: because your story only has twelve chapters, it is hard to give an accurate review of the plot.

Believability: Because this is supposed to be a fairy tale, the plot is not supposed to be believeable.  However, you do a good job of making it believable.  Although I am slightly unfamiliar with the fantasy genre, you seem to have gotten all of your facts right.

Originality: I love how you twist fairy tales around for the purpose of your story.  It’s clever, and as Baekhyun said, “Disney got it all wrong”.

Consistency: Your plot is consistent; I feel like all of the scenes are necessary.  However, I feel like you need to remind yourself of your original plot: How will Baekhyun escape from Ever After?  At this point in the plot, Baekhyun does not seem concerned with finding a way back to the 21st century.  You don’t have to address these things right away; it would be better if you slowly introduce the thoughts of returning home.

Overall: no points here

Your story has a lot of potential.  Just keep your goal in mind, and I think that you’ll have a strong story!  Pay a little more attention to grammar-related things; a simple spell check or grammar check will help.  Thank you for requesting a review!

Total: 181/220 -> 82%