Title: 10 points

It’s still too early in the story to find out the meaning behind “Disclosed”, but from the title alone, the readers figure out that someone in your story is hiding a big secret and that someone else will reveal that secret.  You briefly touch upon Woohyun’s secret, though there will probably be more to come.

Description: 14 points

Your description does a good job of hooking the reader.  I especially liked the question in the beginning, as I believe that questions, when done right, do a really good job of interesting potential readers.

There are a few grammar things, but they don’t take away from the story.

Foreword: 9 points

You do a pretty good job with your foreword.  Just make sure to proofread, as there are a few grammar mistakes here and there.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good here.

Spelling & Grammar: 15 points

Your spelling looks fine.

There are a few cases, mostly in the first chapter, where you switch between present tense and past tense.  There are comma errors here and there.  I would recommend running your work through a word processor if you have not already.  A word processor would help catch minor errors that one might miss during proofreading.

Also, I would recommend italicizing thoughts, just to make it easier for the readers to differentiate between thoughts and everything else.

Style: 15 points

I am going to focus on imagery and dialogue, in hopes of making my review more beneficial to the requester.

Imagery: For future chapters, you might want to work on telling the readers less and showing things more.  “Show don’t Tell” is something that many struggle with, but there are things that you can do to improve it. 

For example:

“Hana was a little startled because she was not used to giving out her name. She rarely talked to anyone in school and had never liked the idea of making friends; it would only lead to problems. She wasn't that good at making friends either. Nonetheless, Hana told him her name since she had no excuses to shun his question.”

This paragraph, taken from the second chapter, is a good example of something that you tell us rather than show us.  Instead of a paragraph stating that Hana was not used to talking to people, you could’ve done an internal monologue-esque thing which would have the same, if not a better, effect.  Of course, internal monologue is not the only way you can go about showing these things, but since Hana is a character who does not like to talk to others if they don’t talk to her, letting the readers see her internal thoughts would be helpful.

Dialogue: There are some bits of dialogue that are slightly awkward.  For example, the “can I follow you” question Kai asks Hana is a little much.  Maybe “can I come” would be more natural, despite having almost the same meaning, as “come” and “follow” have different connotations in this sentence.  Another awkward line, also said by Kai, is “have a good rest”. 

Flow: 13 points

Now that you’ve established all of the main characters and introduced us to your story via exposition, I think that it would be a good time to pick up the pace.  Despite the fact that the point of the repetition is to prove how boring Hana’s life is, the point of a plot is to take a character’s life and shake it up a bit.  Keep the events coming as to not bore the readers.  You’ve set up the plot, and now you can increase the speed without ruining your flow.

Characterization: 30 points

Hana: You do a good job with Hana, who is definitely far from perfect.  Sometimes, I feel as though her character contradicts itself, though that makes her character quite believable.  Despite having a bit of a tragic past, you do try to make Hana into something more.  To make sure that Hana doesn’t fall flat, make sure that every one of her actions has a reason behind it.  Don’t change her character all of a sudden; make sure that there is a gradual change over time.  If you keep these things in mind as you write Hana, I think that you’ll do a good job.

Woohyun: Woohyun seems like the typical second lead, though he does have his own secrets and his own reasons behind keeping those secrets.  In the future, I’d like to see Woohyun start to act on his own.  It’s sweet that he cares for Hana that much, but you should make sure that he isn’t just a second lead; he’s a character as well.

Kai: You mention something in Chapter 5 about Kai, which is one of the reader’s first clues about his character.  He is hanging around Hana for some reason that definitely isn’t just because he wants to become her friend.  If you play out Kai’s character right, then Kai’s character will become the most interesting out of your main characters.

Plot: 30 points

Believability: The plot is quite believable, yet I believe that this is where your plot falls flat.  Although a big part of your plot is to make sure that the story makes sense, that doesn’t mean that you avoid events that will keep the plot going.  The most out-of-the-norm thing that has happened in your story is Hana’s double detention.  This section of the review kind of goes along with the flow section of the review.

Originality: Sometimes, the plot is a little too similar to a K-drama.  Hana comes from an average background.  Woohyun is rich, yet he chooses to go to a poor school.  There’s Kai, the mysterious-yet-good looking guy that Hana finds fascinating.  I hope that as the story progresses, you add in some interesting twists and turns that will keep the readers hooked.

Consistency: Hana didn’t need a tragic background.  However, since it plays an important role in the story, you might want to consider leading up to it by dropping hints in the previous chapters.  When Hana asked about her dad all of a sudden, I felt as though you could’ve done a better job hinting at her dad’s disappearance.  Keep that in mind when you want to introduce other major surprises.

Overall: no points here

I really enjoyed reading your story, despite it being a little cliche.  Your description is what got me hooked, though I had wished that you had sped up the pace a bit.  You still have way more plot to develop, so I wish you luck.

I’m sorry that this review took so long, but thank you for requesting.

Total: 151/220 -> 69%