Title: 10 points

The title is simple, but it works for your story.

Description: 15 points

It’s short and to the point, which I like.

Foreword: 9 points

I like the repetition in your description.  It does a good job of setting up the mood of the story, so good job! There are just a few grammar things here and there, but they don’t take away from the meaning of the story.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good.

Spelling & Grammar: 18 points

Your spelling is good overall.

There are just a few small things with grammar.  You use “it’s” a lot, when it should actually be “its”.  Another wrong word error was when you wrote “you’re eyes” instead of “your eyes”.  That’s just something to watch for as you continue to write chapters.

Just a small thing, but there is a difference between night terrors and nightmares.  You can’t remember night terrors, but you can remember nightmares.  As you tend to use them interchangeably, I would just consider this small difference between the two.

Style: 25 points

There are times when the way you form your sentences causes the paragraph to sound redundant.  For example, in the first paragraph of the story, you start almost every sentence with either “he” or “his”, which causes the readers to fall into a rhythm.  I would just consider switching up the sentence structure more often, especially in longer sentences.

Something you do that I love is how you don’t have a lot of dialogue.  The description is great, and you do a really good job of putting the readers in the moment.  When you do include dialogue, it adds to the story. 

Flow: 17 points

Because your story is just starting, the pace is a little slow.  You’re doing a good job of introducing the story to us, and now that the story is progressing, the pace is picking up. 

There are a few times when you go too fast, such as when Kyungsoo kisses Kai seemingly all of a sudden.  Although you include a description of their first kiss afterward, it would’ve been a good scene to add in the actual story versus a flashback.

Characterization: 30 points

Kyungsoo: Kyungsoo is weak.  If he had not met Kai, he would’ve given in to Concisus.  Because he knows that he’s weak, Kyungsoo tries to act strong around Kai, when all Kai wants is for Kyungsoo to confide in him.  I would like to see Kyungsoo get stronger, though to get stronger, he’ll have to fight the battle going on with Concisus.  I would like to see Kyungsoo gradually become stronger, to tell Kai everything, and for him to beat Concisus. 

Kai: Kai seems to be there to serve as Kyungsoo’s medicine and barely stands alone as his own character.  The story does focus on Kyungsoo’s inner battle with Concisus, but you’ve introduced Kai into the story for a reason, and it’d be good if you could let the readers see more of Kai’s flaws and fears. 

Concisus: Concisus is probably the most interesting character in your cast of characters.  There are many questions about Concisus that have arisen, and I hope that as your story continues, you’ll answer them all.

Plot: 60 points

I love how the story takes place in Los Angeles.  It gives the story a different feel as compared to if the story had taken place in Korea.  That said, if you could give the story a more LA feel, it would be great.

At first, the two subplots within your plot--the loveline with Kai and the battle with Concisus--felt disjointed.  However, as the story progressed, the two plots came together, and I think that you have a promising storyline.  Your story brings up a lot of questions that will hopefully be answered in time.  I don’t have many suggestions other than to keep doing what you’re doing.

Overall: no points here

First of all, I’d like to apologize for the super long wait.  It’s been seven months, but I finally did your review.  Your second review should (hopefully) be coming soon.

I really enjoyed your story, and I’m glad I got the chance to review it!

Total: 199/220 -> 90%