Title: 8 points

Your title gives off an angsty feeling, which is what you’ve tagged your story.  Byunghun does not seem to be “telling Chunji goodbye” yet, which I assume means that there is more to the story.  Your title also gives away the plot, however, which might turn some people away from your story.

Description: 10 points

I do like how you add the questions at the end of your description, which help draw the reader in and make them want to continue reading.  However, I do not think that your description accurately represents your story as of Chapter 18.  When you say “these results change both of their lives”, you imply that the result is negative.  Yet in the story, Chunji has already been released from the hospital.

Your story is still ongoing, which makes it difficult to judge how your description matches your plot.

Also, there are grammar errors; I’d suggest that you find a beta reader who can help you with grammar-related issues.

Foreword: 5 points

Because I assume that all of your readers know Teen Top, the character profiles are not necessary.  Everything that you mention in the character profiles can be mentioned in the actual story.  Also, emoticons are not recommended in the foreword section of your fanfic, mainly because a foreword is a place for formal writing.  You do not add any new information in the foreword, so I would suggest taking most of it out.  Perhaps you could replace it with the answer to this question: what inspired you to write this fanfic?

Presentation: 10 points

Throughout the fanfic, you use different fonts constantly.  For example, in Chapter 3, you switch fonts in the middle of the paragraph, and then you go back to your original font.  Sticking to one font will make your fanfic look more uniform.

In chapter 18, you use italics for a part of the story that is not a flashback.  I would suggest getting rid of the italics there.

The pikachu .gif is not necessary either, as I’m pretty sure everyone knows what a pikachu is.  The general rule for pictures in fanfics is: if you can describe it with words, a picture is not necessary.

You use colors sparingly, mostly in your author’s notes and in the foreword.  However, if you’re going to use a different color, use a dark color (something similar to black).

Spelling & Grammar: 9 points

The biggest issue I see is that you don’t use paragraphs.  Every time a new person speaks, you have to create a new paragraph.  Click here to be directed to a website with more information (put in a better way).

Other grammar issues are present, but I’d suggest, again, getting a beta reader who can explain things better than I ever could.

Style: 10 points

You constantly change your point of view.  Sometimes, you even use “nobody’s pov”.  If you insist on keeping POV, then I’d suggest switching every chapter instead of every sentence.  If not, I’d suggest switching to third person (basically nobody’s pov, except you don’t write “nobody’s pov” at the top).

Then there’s the stage name vs. real name issue.  In fanfiction, it’s better to use their real name, simply because it sounds more natural. 

Korean words are not necessary.  “Omma” could easily be “mom”.  “Jinjja” could be “really”.  “Jeongmal mianhae” could be “I’m really sorry”.  It just flows better when you stick to using English words as much as possible.  Korean words are acceptable for describing things native to Korea, such as a hanbok.

Diction: Sometimes, your word choice makes it seem like Chanhee and Byunghun are little girls.  I would use words like “teehee” and “omg” as little as possible.

Syntax: Your sentences need more variation.  Right now, all of your sentences are short.  If you add more variation, that will help emphasize the meaning behind your words.

Imagery: Sometimes, your imagery is too vague, and sometimes, your imagery is very descriptive.  I would think about what scenes are the most interesting and add the most description there.

Dialogue: The dialogue makes your characters seem immature.  Dialogue is one of the most important parts of determining one’s character.  To help improve your dialogue, I would just listen to everyday conversation between people (in this case, guys).  See what they say and what they don’t say, and then work from there.

Flow: 10 points

The overall lengths of the chapters make the flow very choppy.  With a little bit of revising, you could probably combine multiple chapters into one.

Characterization: 20 points

Byunghun: Byunghun seems very childish.  He gives off an “older brother” vibe when around Chanhee and a “rude and obnoxious” vibe around everyone else. 

Chanhee: Chanhee also seems childish.  When he jumps out of bed, hugs Byunghun, and says, “Tell my mum that I’m not going to the hospital,” he sounds like a child who refuses to go to the doctor instead of a teenager.

The best thing that you can do is to make your characters grow.  Chanhee’s sickness should’ve been a turning point for the two of them.  Because they’ve gotten through the worst together, they should show some character growth.  Perhaps you could let Byunghun attend school more often and show less hatred toward his teachers.  Or maybe you could let Byunghun forgive his parents.

Plot: 45 points

Believability: Would Chunji’s parents really relent to Byunghun taking him to the States after what happened?  Even if he would be safe with Byunghun, his parents shouldn’t have let him go (at least, that soon after he was released from the hospital).

Originality: I was surprised at how fast the Helicobacter issue was resolved.  I was also surprised at how Daniel did not become a “second lead” kind of character.

Consistency: The fanfic was pretty consistent throughout all the chapters.

Overall: no points here

Thank you for requesting a review!  I'm glad that you've taken what I've said into account :)

Total: 127/220 -> 58%