Title: 10 points

The relevance of the title does not really make sense until you read further and search for a connection.  Once you get the connection, the title makes sense.

Description: 15 points

The description is eye-catching, as this story is not the typical story one would find on Asianfanfics.  Your description also gives the readers a glimpse into your characters’ personalities.

Foreword: 9 points

Although the foreword is not as formal as it should be, it does serve its purpose.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good here.

Spelling & Grammar: 19 points

There are a few spelling/grammar mistakes here and there, but those do not take any meaning away from the story.  I would just read your story once more, which should help you find any stray errors.

Style: 30 points

Diction: You used your vocabulary wisely; the words were simple yet carried meaning.

Syntax: Your syntax is also excellent.

Imagery: There were some scenes where I could picture exactly what you were trying to describe.  You do a good job of balancing imagery with dialogue, which just so happens to be the next category.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is very natural.  The interactions between Dai and Miki were very realistic, something that is difficult to obtain, especially when your story is dialogue heavy.

Overall, good job here.

Flow: 17 points

Henry: As for the transitions between chapters, some left me quite confused (though, maybe I'm just really slow). Since your story switches between different scenes and characters so frequently, it can make the the beginning of a new chapter hard to understand. It could also be since you don't go very deep into the plot, as you have stated that the plot is for readers to interpret themselves, so that can mess up with the flow at some points. The only advice I can really give is to maybe add just a little more description between all the dialogue, just to help with the flow a bit more and make it easier to follow.

Lyndsey: I agree with Henry when he says that you could include a little more description, at least in the beginning.  That would help slow down the pace that you’ve set.  I don’t think it’s flow that you have to worry about so much as the readers getting used to your complex writing style, with which I am always amazed.

Characterization: 40 points

Dai: Daisuke is a very interesting and well-rounded character.  He has his funny moments, such as when he leaves a water gun in the place of a real gun for the police to find.  However, at the same time, we see his moments of weakness, shown through his interactions with both Miki and Koji.  We never really learn anything about Daisuke until the Extra 1 chapter, where we get to see all of his past blogs.  Overall, you’ve done a wonderful job with Daisuke.

Miki: Like Daisuke, we never really know anything about Miki until other characters reveal things.  I’ve noticed that this is a common theme for all of your characters; they rarely reveal things about themselves.  Through Koji, we learn that Miki used to have a fear of men.  Through Dai, we learn that Miki was planning her death.  Her poetry also reveals things about her, and I think that including one of her poems at the beginning of each chapter was really clever.

Koji: Koji seems like your typical justice-loving-cop brother, but I’m glad to see that there’s more to him than what we see at the surface.  I think that the most important things about Koji are the small things, such as his inability to remember Dai’s age, or the fact that he owns a dog.  One thing I don’t understand about Koji is why he desperately wants to die at the end of the story. 

Masao: At the surface, Masao seems like your typical gruff police chief.  Like Koji, the most important things about Masao are the small things.  He believes Koji when Koji talks about his dead brother.  He takes care of Koji’s dog when Koji goes “missing”.  I wished that you would’ve gone into a little more detail about Masao, especially after Koji, Dai, and Miki pass away.

Plot: 60 points

Believability: Since the plot is up to the reader to interpret, everyone will have a different opinion.  The premise of the story seems a little far-fetched, but you do a good job of carrying it through.  The natural dialogue helps the believability.

Originality: Your story is very original.  Very few can successfully carry out the genre you were writing in, and I’d say that you succeeded.  Everything seemed to be strategically placed, which forced the reader to think about how things came together.

Consistency: Also good here.

Relevance to Prompt: You’ve chosen an original prompt, and I can see the connection to winter.

Overall:

Henry: I thought the story was really great, and your writing is simply amazing! I really love how you can tell such a story with mostly dialogue!

Lyndsey: Like Henry said, the fact that you’ve managed to tell a story with a lot of dialogue is impressive.  

Thank you for requesting a review, and I’m sorry that it took so long!

Total: 215/220 -> 98%