Title: 10 points

Great title!  It’s simple and eye-catching.

Description: 12 points

I enjoyed the description, as it helps readers understand the title.  You do a good job of combining your own writing with that of the John Lee quote.

However, the rest of the information after the quote seems almost superfluous.  I can tell that you had a lot of ideas you wanted to show in the description, but I would work on condensing your information into something shorter and more eye-catching.

Foreword:

There isn’t much of a foreword, so I won’t count it in your score.  I do like how you include snippets from reviews.

Presentation: 13 points

Your formatting is good in the story itself, but the description and foreword seem a little disorganized because your text alignment is not constant, especially in the review section in the foreword.

Spelling & Grammar: 13 points

There were quite a few spelling and grammar issues throughout the fic, but there wasn’t really anything that greatly took away from the reading experience.  I would just reread your fic for spelling and grammar errors and possibly consider hiring a beta reader to look it over as well.

Whenever a new person begins to speak or think, you should create a new paragraph.  Likewise, if the same person continues to speak, then you should not create a new paragraph.  I saw this a lot when I was reading.

Style: 24 points

Point of view changes are difficult to handle in the middle of chapters.  If anything, I would recommend switching POV for each new chapter, otherwise I would just stick to one point of view.  For the future, I would suggest writing in third person omniscient point of view, which would allow you to switch between the thoughts of the characters as you please.

However, you did a good job with your descriptive paragraphs!  I was impressed.

Flow: 18 points

I thought that your flow was good for the most part.  At the end, things sped up fast, and I felt that you could’ve dedicated a little more time to the last few chapters.

Characterization: 20 points

Kai: Kai is a very inconsistent character, which you may or may not have been going for while writing.  Kai says some questionable things in the beginning that are disgusting, such as how “he still has to keep his gentleman image after all, while all he wants to do is actually slap that out on her face” (Ch 3). Then, in the next chapter, he gives Violet the password to her phone while barely putting up a fight.  The next chapter, he turns her away from the audition, and in the chapter after that, he basically admits to liking Violet.  Even when they start “dating”, he holds all of the power in their relationship, and it’s a little frightening.

If Kai was a little less possessive, then I would’ve enjoyed their relationship a little more.

Violet: I like how Violet figures things out quickly and does not back down from said things.  I enjoyed how she didn’t deny her feelings for too long. 

Amy: I wish you had dropped more hints about Amy throughout the fic, as I felt that having Violet forgive her at the end was not justifiable.

Kris: Kris was a pretty weak second lead, though I enjoyed his friendship with Violet. 

Kai’s Mom: Her last moment with Kai was really out of character. 

Plot: 55 points

Your plot was pretty predictable, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as there were some moments where I was genuinely surprised. 

You tackled some sensitive material in the fic, and I think you handled and treated the subject decently.  I would’ve liked to see Kai’s healing process a little more, as you focused on it heavily in one chapter and then Kai was suddenly cured in the next.

The Biology scene in chapter 35 reminds me of Twilight.

Overall: no points here

I liked the dedication.  Kai reminded me a lot of Edward Cullen.  Congratulations on finishing this story!  I know you requested when you were nowhere near done, and I feel really bad that I haven’t gotten to reviewing it until now.  Thanks for requesting!

Total: 165/210 -> 79%