Title: 10 points

I do enjoy the title.  It works well with the genre that you’re writing as well as the message that you’re trying to get across.

Description: 15 points

Nice description.  I enjoy how concise yet meaningful it is.

Foreword: 9 points

I do like the summary, and the warning is much appreciated.  Just a small grammar thing that I would suggest fixing: instead of splitting “Sehun is faced with a choice.  Keep his uality a secret, or stand up for himself” into two sentences, I would combine them into one.

“Sehun is faced with a choice: keep his uality a secret or stand up for himself”

That would flow better.

Presentation: 15 points

The colors in the poster are beautiful.  Everything is good here.

Spelling & Grammar: 20 points

Overall, you did a good job with spelling and grammar.  I could tell that you proofread, and you kept your grammar mistakes to a minimum.  Looking through some of the other reviews you got, I’m glad that you did not follow some of their dialogue suggestions.

Style: 25 points

Dialogue gives the readers further insight into the characters by showing how they interact with each other.  Lu Han’s dialogue was too extravagant for a four-year-old, but I’ll discuss this more in the character section.

You did a really good job with your descriptions in the story.  After reading Fracture, I knew that your imagery would be good.

Telling the story mainly from Luhan’s point of view was an interesting decision.  He’s four, which gives the story a different perspective.

Flow: 10 points

The oneshot was long.  If you had split the story up into smaller chunks, it would have been easier to manage.  Because it’s a oneshot, the flow seems slower than it actually is.   

Characterization: 30 points

Luhan: Luhan holds the family together.  He’s very understanding, basically the ideal younger brother.  However, Luhan is too mature for his age.  Most four-year-olds would not be as mature as Luhan acts in the story.  I would consider changing Luhan’s age to maybe eleven or twelve, which would make more sense with the level of maturity that he has. 

Sehun: Sehun is also mature, and he loves his brother a lot.  You do a really good job of portraying Sehun’s struggles, which made him a really relatable character.

Jongin: The readers don’t know much about Jongin, except through his interactions with Sehun and Luhan.  Adding a little backstory, or perhaps having Kai talk about his family (are they accepting of his ual orientation?) would add depth to his character.

Bora: Although Bora seemed cold and work-oriented at first, she really grew as a character as the story progressed.  She was able to recognize her faults, and she immediately took Sehun’s side, which was admirable. 

Brian: Brian was an antagonist, and he had no redeeming qualities.  Giving him a small change of heart would’ve been powerful, something that you might want to consider.

Plot: 56 points

Again, I enjoyed the setting.  New York gives the story a hint of romanticism that you might not have gotten if you had located your story in Seoul.

You tackled a lot of different subjects in one oneshot, to the point where it was almost overwhelming.  If this had been a chaptered fic, it would’ve worked better.

Because the genre was slice of life, you did a good job writing something that fit into the genre.  You also did a good job of making the plot your own.

Overall: no points here

I always love a good slice of life story, and this one was really good.  Sorry for the long wait, but I’ve finally completed your review.  Thank you for requesting!

Total: 190/220 -> 86%