Title: 10 points

I love how your title ties in with the rest of the fanfiction, as well as the meanings and implications behind it.  While “Strings” seems like a mundane title at first, once one gets into the deeper meaning of the story, one can truly see what the title brings to the story.

Description: 15 points

Quotes are a good, clean way to catch the attention of a reader, as long as the quote has some connection to the story.  Tablo’s quote does, indeed, go along with the story.  Good job.

Foreword: 9 points

Your foreword does not bring much new information, as a form of your foreword is written into the actual story.  However, it does a decent job of giving the readers a preview of your writing style.

A minor grammar thing:

Original: The quiet contemplation took longer than I expected as my heart went haphazard at his sonorous voice
Correction: The quiet contemplation took longer than I expected, as my heart went haphazard...

Presentation: 14 points

The red font that you use for “Tablo” and “strings” makes it difficult for the reader to focus on much else.  Consider changing those two links to a black or gray font, as those colors will go along better with the genre of your fanfiction.

Spelling & Grammar: 15 points

The only spelling error I noticed was that you say “the quite contemplation”, when I think you mean “the quiet contemplation”.

Because the oneshot is short, there aren’t any major grammar errors to pick out.  Here are a few:

Original: Not that those creatures obliged their sickening circumstances, they rather accepted…
Correction: Not that those creatures obliged to their sickening circumstances; they rather accepted…

Original: That was how fate attacked; hard and sudden.
Correction: That was how fate attacked: hard and sudden.
Correction: That was how fate attacked, hard and sudden.

Original: Smokes and dust filled the air of one June evening
Correction: Smoke and dust filled the air on one June evening

I noticed that you struggle with your idioms, which is common among non-native English speakers.  The first and third error I pointed out had idiom mistakes in it.  Idioms are difficult because there is no proper way to learn them besides reading.  Even native English speakers have difficulty with idioms.  Here is a site that discusses idioms for a more-detailed explanation.

Style: 24 points

Diction: Sometimes, you use cloud the meaning of your sentences with your choice of words.  Words such as “happenstance” and “gradationally” are not commonly found in literature, much less in fanfiction.  Sometimes, big words should not be used just because they sound more sophisticated.  Simple words can get the meaning across perfectly and sometimes sound better too.  Here is a post by another AFF user expanding on the matter.

Syntax: You effectively vary the lengths of your sentences.  Good job.

Imagery: For the most part, you used detail effectively, but some details became confusing due to your choice of words.  This ties back in with diction, where word choice can determine everything about the story.  For next time, I would choose simpler words to describe things, which would also help convey the meaning of the overall fanfiction.

Dialogue: There isn’t much dialogue, though your story works better that way.  You use dialogue effectively, so there is not much to say.

Flow: 18 points

Your story read as three small episodes instead of a oneshot, possibly due to the length of the actual oneshot.

Characterization: 40 points

Female OC: The female OC seems like a no-nonsense type of person, yet at the same time, she wants to believe in the irrational.  She is supposed to be compared to a puppet, yet she still has her own thoughts.  As the oneshot progresses, the readers can see her grow, from innocence to realization.  You did a good job with her character.

Male OC: You also did a good job with the male OC’s character.  Because your story is told from the female OC’s eyes, the readers does not get much information about the male OC besides his “dark black eagle eyes”.  Keeping the male OC as an enigma is an interesting strategy, and even though he does not grow at all throughout the oneshot, the readers can tell that he serves a purpose.

Plot: 60 points

Believability: Everything was believable because of your detailed descriptions and inner thoughts of the female OC.

Originality: Although broken relationships are nothing new to AFF, your comparison of the female OC’s broken relationship to a puppet makes the plot original.

Consistency: Everything seemed consistent.  Good job!

Overall: no points here

Despite English not being your first language, you’ve proven that you have a decent mastery of the language.  Your usage of quotes is effective, and it enhances the story.  Thank you for requesting for a review, and I’m sorry that I took so long to complete it.

Total: 194/220 -> 88%