Title: 10 points

I like the title and how it connects to the characters, since they know about the government conspiracy.

Description: 14 points

I like the description.  It’s short and to the point. 

Just some small grammar-related things:
1) I would personally change “do’s” to “do is”, because it flows better.
2) “Stood” should be ”stand” to keep all of the tenses consistent.

Foreword: not grading

Since you have credits and updates in your foreword, I will not be grading it.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks pretty good here.  I would stay away from aligning your text in the center, even if it’s just a flashback/dream.  Some readers don’t like it.

Spelling & Grammar: 17 points

You have a lot of small mistakes here and there, but I can tell that you have a decent grasp of the English language.  Spelling is good.  The most important thing is that the message comes across clearly, which you do for the most part.

However, I notice that sometimes, especially in the longer paragraphs, the meanings of your sentences become unclear.

I would avoid the interrobang (?!) in writing.  Usually, one or the other will be good enough to get the message across.

You might want to get a friend or beta to proofread your work.  Having another pair of eyes look over your work is the best way to find errors.  Just make sure to keep your tenses consistent, since I noticed that you switched between past and present a few times.

Style: 25 points

Your dialogue sounds a little too formal at times.  Especially since Baekhyun and Chanyeol, as well as Jongin and Kyungsoo, are friends, the dialogue should sound like they’re friends.  For example, Baekhyun and Chanyeol exchange these words:

(Baekhyun) "Hey! It's very impolite of you to close a door in front of your guest!"

(Chanyeol) "You said you're not gonna leave that spot if I don't say anything. Since I am not to say anything to you, nor do I hide anything from you, I'll just leave you to get stuck in your position until morning. Good night!"

They haven’t seen each other in years, but from the way they acted in the dinner scene in the prologue, they’ve already gotten rid of the awkwardness.  Consider this:

(Baekhyun) “Rude, much?”

(Chanyeol) “Oh, I thought you were spending the night in that spot?  Since I have no plans of saying anything.”

This sounds a little more like a conversation between two close friends.  You don’t have to use this, but you might want to consider this example as you continue to write dialogue.

Flow: 17 points

The transition between the dinner scene at Baekhyun’s house and the flashback was a bit unclear.  I would separate that bit with a horizontal line or put it in a gray to show that it’s a different scene.

You reveal the new world order early on in the story, and I felt as though you could’ve built up a little more tension in your story before revealing it. 

Characterization: 32 points

Baekhyun: To be blunt, Baekhyun comes off as a brat.  He lacks the maturity that he believes that he has.  Whether intentional or not, it makes his character interesting.  For future chapters, I would consider how you can make Baekhyun become more mature, since I assume that he’s going to help Kyungsoo save the country.  Will Baekhyun be able to step up?  Or is he all talk and no action?

Chanyeol: Chanyeol is a little lacking in character compared to Baekhyun, but you’re only two chapters in, so there is a lot of time to develop him.  He has a tragic past, and that’s all we know about him.  One of the things I like is that Chanyeol seems to take on the role of the “sidekick”, yet you give him a backstory just like Baekhyun, the “hero”.

Kyungsoo: Kyungsoo has the maturity that Baekhyun lacks.  Perhaps it’s because he has less to lose compared to Baekhyun.  He tends to act based on emotions rather than logic at times, and I wonder if that’ll get him in trouble later on in your story.  He really loves Jongin, which also serves as his weakness.  Good job with Kyungsoo so far!

Jongin: Jongin’s character tends to contradict itself.  He’s extremely caring toward his father (who shows no affection toward Jongin), yet at the same time, he rarely expresses emotions.  I hope that you continue to develop Jongin’s character in future updates.

It’s a little difficult to do characterization when there are only two chapters in your story, so this might lack detail.

Plot: 45 points

You asked me if the plot makes sense and is believable.  You did a good job setting up the world, but there are some things that go against the rules you’ve set up.

How does Baekhyun run a blog dedicated to spilling the secrets of the government if everything is being strictly watched?  How did the government overlook the fact that Kyungsoo knew the secret?  Do the cubicles not have cameras?  Why doesn’t the government send Baekhyun, who’s very vocal about the unfairness, a warning?

The romance and the darkness don’t seem to fit together.  You have cheesy moments, like at the end of Chapter 2, but it doesn’t go along with the beginning of the chapter.  Just remember to try to keep the mood consistent when you write.

I think that if I see more of the plot, I’ll be able to give you a better review.  I love what you’re doing!

Overall: no points here

Like I said above, I really love the plot.  You have a really good idea, and it’s definitely not an easy one.  Everyone likes a good underdog story, and I know that Baekhyun and Kyungsoo will win in the end.  Good luck as you continue to write and edit.

Thank you for requesting a review, and I’m sorry that it took so long!

Total: 175/210 -> 83%