Title: 10 points

I do like the meaning of your title; I thought that using the word “twilight” was clever, as twilight can mean “a period when something is ending”, according to Merriam-Webster.  Your title fits the story well.

Description: 12 points

I do like the simplicity of your description. However, you say that Jiyeon abandons him “without cause” and that Baekhyun wants her to “return to him”, which makes it seem like a common break-up story.  You might want to add another sentence or two which should hint that your fanfic is NOT the typical break up story.

Small grammar thing: Because you use “had abandoned” in the first part of the sentence, you must use “had always hoped” in the second part of the sentence.

Foreword: 9 points

Because Jiyeon is already present in the graphic, the picture of her is not necessary. 

The actual poem does not seem relevant until you actually read the fanfic, which I like.  There are some small grammar-related things in the poem too, but they aren’t too major.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good here.

Spelling & Grammar: 13 points

The biggest issue I see with your grammar is that you need parallel structure between the verbs (e.g. I went home and ate food vs. I went home and eat food).  Past-tense verbs must match up with past-tense verbs.  For example:

Original: These feelings had been invading him ever since his wife deserted him.
Correction: These feelings had been invading him ever since his wife had deserted him.

Original: His wife had been gone for three months now, and he couldn’t recall how many times he asked her family about the existence of his wife.
Correction: His wife had been gone for three months now, and he couldn’t recall how many times he had asked her family about the whereabouts of his wife.
Explanation: As you can see, when you use “had been gone”, you must follow it up with “had asked”.  I changed “existence” to “whereabouts”, simply because it is a better word to use in context.

Sometimes you use a semicolon properly, and other times, you don’t.  Just remember that you can use a semicolon to separate two ideas that can stand alone as their own sentences.  You can also use a comma to separate two independent ideas, but you must use “and”, “but”, “or”, “so”, or “yet” to separate it.

There don’t seem to be any spelling errors.

Style: 21 points

A few things I noticed: you don’t actually use Jiyeon’s name until ten paragraphs into the story.  Instead of referring to her as “his wife”, you could probably mention Jiyeon’s name earlier.  It would get rid of the redundant feel of the sentences.  Also, I noticed that your characters call each other by their full names often.  It’s not a big deal, though; I just wanted to point that out to you.

Diction: Sometimes, your word choice is a little odd.  You use “muffled” to describe Baekhyun’s dialogue when he wonders why she left him.  You could probably use a word like “muttered” instead.  “Tiff” stands out as well; you could probably use “argument” and still get the same meaning out of the word. 

When using more complicated vocabulary, make sure to use context clues that can explain the word well.  For example, if I used “He was sagacious”, and you didn’t know what the word meant, you wouldn’t be able to figure out the word without looking it up.  However, if you used “His sagacious opinion of the girl’s character shocked her, as everything he said was true”, you’d have a better idea of the word’s meaning.

Syntax: You vary your sentence lengths often, which is good.

Imagery: Sometimes, you describe things in too much detail.  In the first paragraph alone, you use so many descriptive words that the meaning behind the paragraph (Baekhyun woke up) gets lost behind all of the pretty words.  You could probably think about it like this: if it’s not extremely important to the story, you don’t have to describe it as much. 

However, the scene where Baekhyun and Jiyeon are in the meadow is a good example of using imagery to enhance a scene.

Dialogue: Overall, your placement of dialogue is effective.  However, your dialogue does seem a little unnatural in places.  For example, like in the scene where Baekhyun refuses to kiss Jiyeon in the meadow, teenagers normally do not speak like that. 

Flow: 18 points

The pacing of your story is a little quick and choppy, but you are writing a oneshot, which is understandable.  Since your fanfic is a bit long, you could probably split the oneshot into a few chapters, which might make your fanfic flow better?

Characterization: 10 points

Baekhyun: You try to make Baekhyun likeable, but I must disagree.  He spends almost the whole time wondering where is wife is, but the readers never see him actually look for Jiyeon.  We know that he bothers Jiyeon’s family for information, but he always gives up when they don’t give it to him.  He knew that she looked unwell, but he never wondered if she could be in a hospital.  Because Jiyeon did not specifically say “don’t go after me”, I do not understand why Baekhyun does not spend day and night searching for her.  He says, “I really hope you’re safe wherever you are.  I hope you’re doing okay.  I miss you so much.”  He gets upset when he finds out that Chanyeol has been hiding Jiyeon’s whereabouts, but he shouldn’t get angry because he hasn’t done any of the searching himself.  I felt like their reunion would have been more meaningful if Baekhyun had actually connected the dots and realized that Jiyeon was in a hospital instead of Chanyeol telling Baekhyun everything at the end.

Instead of Baekhyun seeming like the perfect husband, he sounds like the kind of person who expects everyone to do everything for him, who mopes around when things don’t go his way, and who doesn’t think that he can actually do something about his situation.

Jiyeon: We don’t see much of Jiyeon except through the flashbacks.  In the past, Jiyeon seemed both mature and immature at the same time.  Sometimes, she seems mature, like when she describes her love for the twilight to Baekhyun.  Other times, like when she gives a description of where the sun goes at night and follows it up with “Jiyeon’s face was lit by a proud smile”, she comes off as childish.  She’s a character full of contradictions, contradictions that don’t get fully resolved even at the end of the fanfic.

Plot: 45 points

Believability: I do love the thought of going back to the place where she had so many memories, but if Jiyeon was really that sick, I do not think that the doctors would have let her one foot out of the hospital.  I do not think that her mother or her brother would have agreed to her final request either.  Instead, it would’ve been more believable if Baekhyun was taken to the hospital to meet with Jiyeon. 

Originality: You don’t really do much to make the story yours, but what you do have makes the story interesting.  I love the entire concept of the meadow and how the two spent most of their time there, watching the sunset, enjoying each other’s presence.

Consistency: One thing that I am still unclear about is the duration of time that Jiyeon has left him.  You first say that she leaves after “five months of marriage”.  Then, a few paragraphs below that, you say that she “had been gone for three months now”.  Then, when Chanyeol says, “she underwent chemotherapy three months at a time,” you imply that she has been undergoing chemotherapy for at least seven months, assuming that “three months at a time” means that she’s gotten it for three months, waited a month or so, then gotten more for another three month period.

Overall: no points here

I personally guessed the ending as I read the second paragraph.  Other than that, I know you wanted me to focus on characterization, so I hope that I did a good job!  Naturally, if I’m doing an in-depth character analysis, the scores tend to be a little lower in that area.  Sorry if I seemed brutal, and sorry that your review is later than I planned it to be!

Total: 153/220 -> 70%