Title: 10 points

Although your title does not seem to match your story at all at first glance, one can see the connection as one digs deeper. 

Description: 10 points

The poem is nice, but it doesn’t seem to directly relate to the story. It seems more like an attempt to associate the description with winter and snow rather than an accurate description of your oneshot.

Foreword:

I won’t score this category, but you should properly capitalize everything and take out any emoticons, just to keep everything formal.

Presentation: 15 points

Everything looks good here!

Spelling & Grammar: 19 points

Spelling looks good.

There are a few small grammar errors here and there, but both Henry and I agreed that grammar would not play a key role in judging. 

Style: 20 points

Diction: You use your words effectively, which enhances the story.

Syntax: You use a lot of question marks because Lu Han is constantly demanding answers.  When you ask a lot of questions, it makes it difficult for the reader to see the message that you’re trying to convey.  I would reword some of Lu Han’s questions into statements when you revise.

Imagery: You also do a good job using imagery to help the readers relate to Luhan’s emotions.

Dialogue: You don’t use dialogue, but you might want to consider using it.  Using dialogue instead of telling the readers through the use of paragraphs would help with characterization and would give the readers a break from all of the paragraphs.

Flow: 20 points

I like how you put your prose in between your poetry.  The poetry serves as a good transition between the different parts of your oneshot.

Characterization: 30 points

Henry helped with characterization; here is his input.

Luhan's character had, well, not much to it at all. We barely got a glimpse of how insane he actually was until it came as a huge thing at the end of the story. I know that during first person you can't drop in the most clear hints towards the character's insanity, especially when said character is the narrator, but you didn't really say anything, even vaguely besides a sentence or two, that could tell us what Luhan was like.

And Lay...his character didn't have a single thing to it, actually. We were told he was pure, sweet, and caring, but what made him so nice? What did he do or have that made everyone believe he was like an angel to them? And if he was so sweet, why had he betrayed Luhan? You really didn't tell us about their relationship together at all, and that's what the story was about. All that was said was that he didn't pay much attention to Luhan, but we are never told why. And I'm pretty sure that knives are not given out to mental patients, even to eat. I'm quite sure they either only get a spoon to eat with, or aren't given anything at all.

I also have my opinions about the two characters of your oneshot.  Since the story is told from the point of view of an unreliable narrator (Luhan), it makes sense that the characters are not as well developed as they could be.  That fact is the true benefit/flaw of first person: you can get away with leaving out some facts because the story is told from one person’s perspective alone.

When revising, consider adding in more about Yixing.  Henry’s questions that I bolded are a good place to start. 

Plot: 40 points

Believability: For the most part, your oneshot was believable.  However, like Henry said, knives are most likely banned in all mental institutions for safety purposes.

Originality: Although your plot is not the most original, the fact that Lu Han writes poetry in his room makes for a very interesting read.

Consistency: Sometimes, you contradict yourself, as when you say that all of Yixing’s friends call him Lay because they know that he is a fake, yet you say that Yixing is pure a few paragraphs later.  Make sure that the poem connects directly with the story, as some stanzas don’t match the flow of your oneshot.

Relevance to prompt: I have mixed feelings over this part of the review.  One part of me believes that you use winter as a setting and nothing more, not really following the prompt.  The other part of me believes that your comparison of Yixing to snow is enough to show the connection to the prompt.  If you could add a specific snow scene in your oneshot (Lu Han murdering Yixing in the snow?), you’d clearly show the connection between your oneshot and the prompt.

Overall: no points here

Henry: I think it was a very good story (I love psychological stories) and your writing is amazing!

Lyndsey: I also enjoyed your story, especially once I realized that Lu Han is comparing Yixing to the snow. 

Thank you for requesting a review, I’m sorry that it took so long, and I hope that we’ve given you enough advice for when you revise your fanfic.

Total: 164/210 -> 78%