My breath escalated as I was pressing my phone tightly towards my ear and listened carefully. I was going to tell mom about my decision, and with that I mean leaving Seoul and return home. This was definitely not easy since my mother would surely say I told you so when I later returned home. Not even once did she believe that I would be able to meet Hoya. Yeah, that’s how much fate she has in me.

I heard how someone picked up on the other side and I stopped breathing for a second. I was thinking about what to say. And it didn’t help that nothing showed up.

“Mi Yeon-ah I haven’t heard from you for a while” my mother’s voice was loud and some of the words came out as a slur. Had she been drinking again? Drinking had become one of my mom’s hobbies since dad wasn’t home a lot. Work was taking up all his free-time and that meant no time to spend with his wife and daughter.

“Mom, I’m coming home tonight”

There was a silence on the other end and I could only hear my mom’s hoarse breathing, due to many years of smoking. “So you think you can just return home like nothing has happened” she was shouting hysterically and I had to take away the phone from my ear or else I would become deaf.

“Stop it mom” I retorted back with a higher tone in my voice, she wasn’t going to think that I took her words to heart. “So how long are you staying this time?”

To tell the truth, I weren’t sure. Because Sojin had told me that I had one month to finally decide if I wanted to drop out or not. She said she wanted to give me a last chance to return. She had also told me that I was one of the best students she ever had and that I sincerely should think over my decision. But what was it to think over. I couldn’t face Yeon Ji again nor Hoya. Sung Yeol had I already met and that didn’t turn out well.

So no, there was nothing to think over.

“I don’t know” was my reply to her question, I don’t know why. Maybe because, deep down I wanted to go back, I wanted everything to go back to how it used to be, Yeon Ji as my best friend, Sung Yeol as my boyfriend and the Infinite members as my brothers.

I could hear how she sighed deeply. And my heart stung a bit. Come to think of it. I’ve let everyone down. I was a complete failure.

~~

After a three hour train ride I finally stepped out of the train at the central station in Busan. I was home again. Now I just need to find that stupid buss so I can get home. It took about fifteen minutes to find my buss. I heaved a light breath as I pulled my bags with me on the bus and sat down furthest back as I waited for it took take off.

The streetlights of Busan was lighting the sky and I couldn’t deny that I had missed this city. I never thought I would say that. For my whole life I’ve wanted to go to Seoul and never return. But now I was happy to do so. But I was also sad, a lot sadder than I was happy.

Quietly I opened the outer door and stepped inside as I shut it behind me. I didn’t want to wake up anyone. Especially not my dad if he was asleep, because knowing that he could get a bit cranky at those times it was safe to be as quiet as possible.

I slipped out of my shoes and took my jacket off before I hung it up next to my dad’s. I gazed around; it was exactly how it was when I left a few months ago. The silence was soon broken when I heard my mother scream. I snapped my head around and glared wide-eyed as she came forward and grabbed my arm, harsh. I winched as my mother’s nails pierced through my skin.

“Mom, you’re hurting me” I cried as I tried to take away her hand. But the alcohol must’ve made her stronger, weirdly. But what I didn’t know was that I only made it worse, because I could see how blood was sliding down my arm before it fell down on the floor, making small puddles of blood.

A few seconds later I felt how her grip lessened and I hurried to pull my arm away before I sprinted towards my room and locked the door behind. I didn’t want her to get in. I had no clue of what she was capable of doing right now. And I was definitely not curious in finding out either. Soon, I could hear loud banging’s on my door, which could only mean one thing. Dad wasn’t home. Because else she wouldn’t dare to do that, she knew that dad could get really angry when someone woke him up.

“You little ungrateful kid, I beat Howon didn’t want you back, that’s why you are returning” I knew she was mocking me. She always did when she was right about something and I wasn’t. But this time, she was wrong. Hoya did want me back. But the problem was. I didn’t want him back.'

I didn’t answer her, which of course only made her even angrier and she was now kicking the door. I feared that if she continued, it was going to break and she would do something even worse. I put in my earphones in my ears in a try to shut out all the sounds.

Why had my life become such a mess?

That’s how I fell asleep. To the memories of Sung Yeol and to the sound of Infinite’s Wings, the lyrics fit so perfectly.

I can’t let you go, because, there’s only you in my heart.