98) "Love can wait..."

- written by admins Guardian of Love and Hunnoo_« -

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The wind seemed to understand that this was exactly the moment when the heart silently releases the last hope, lending a helping hand and letting it fade away in the golden ocean above.

Suddenly the mind stopped wandering.. thoughts saw a painless ending... words remained cremated on rosy lips and eyes smiled one last time..

Everything was now calm and quiet.. yet I could feel this strange pressure inside my body... life opened the door to memories I never thought I'll let them out again...

Black and white images running in front of my eyes brought back the warmth my heart used to feel whenever he'd smile shyly at me, trying to tell things he couldn't even understand well...

There I was, preparing the lunch, trying to not chuckle whenever I'd hear my mate yelling at the others, while making sure everything is well done.

Me: "Just relax girl... it's not big deal.."

Mate: "Not big deal??? Are you out of your mind? This must be the best gathering we ever planned here, got me? And look.. we're running out of time... yet these lazy good for nothing lil bees don't give a damn... GET THOSE TOMATOES! WHERE IS MY ASSISTANT? EVERYBODY PLEASE MOVE YOUR BUTTS!!! Ah my poor heart... Don't laugh!"

Me: "I'm not... haha.. sorry.. listen.. you're worrying too much.. why don't you go and check the tables?"

Mate: "Good idea.. I need to breath some fresh air.. Don't stand there! Bring the flowers!"

I put the tray in the oven, took off my apron and head to the dorms, hoping this time she'll be prepared. I got in front of the door and knocked twice... guess I once again had to wake her up...

Me: "Well good morning lil sunshine! Haven't I told you that today is very special?"

She opened her eyes slowly, while I got near the bed and checked the file on her bedside table. As usual, she probably had an argument with the nurse and didn't take her medicine.

I looked at her, pretending to be upset, but who could resist her soft smile and sparkling eyes, while she whispered: "Sorry!"

Me: "It's ok... but please.. don't do it again! You know how important these medicines are for your health, umma!"

Umma: "Yeah, yeah... still.. what's the point? I'm old honey.. I just want to enjoy the last years of my life.. not taking medicines every few hours... I'm not really gonna get well... Hate this! I want to leave this room! Like... right now!"

Me: "Well.. that's why I am here.. Gotta help you get ready for today's event! Let's see... how about this dress? I think it looks nice.. "

Umma: "Hm... maybe..."

Me: "I'll take that as an 'yes'... Now... beauty time, my dear!"

I helped her to wash and get dressed, while listening to her life stories. Such wonderful experiences... moments full of joy, despair, tears, laughter, hopes and dreams... all of which were now just memories to cherish. I couldn't help it but smile everytime she would remind me of her babies: 'two husky puppies that one day just turned the house upside down'.

Umma: "They were so annoying! But... who could deny that they've warmed my heart and brought happiness even in the baddest moments of my life? Ah... those little devils..."

Me: "And we're done! My oh my... such a beautiful lady! Our poor grandpas though!"

Umma: "Why… you bad girl! Hahaha... Well.. I still have my charms... Oh, just what am I saying?"

Me: "The truth! You're still y babe!"

Umma: "Yes I am! Why aren't you ready? This is an important day!"

Me: "Of course! It's your birthday! I've prepared the special dish you wished for, that's why I didn't change my clothes… "

Umma: "Well.. apart from that... this day bears another meaning honey, remember?"

My smile faded slowly as I've looked away... If only she hadn't recall it... I wouldn't now be hearing those words inside my mind: "I'll be there... I will not miss it! I promise!"

If there was something that I couldn't change, that would have to be his fear of experiencing new feelings. He had everything to be loved and admired, yet he wouldn't let the world see him the way he really was.

He always thought a new story might only bring sorrow instead of a sweet blessing that you can just see in books... Life wasn't so perfect as one would want it to be...

Me: "Who said it has to be perfect? Why can't we just make our friendship perfect for us? Why are you so afraid, Xiumin? Just... why?"

Xiumin: "You can't make it perfect... months ago.. you had no idea I was living... now you're trying to draw a future for both of us... we can't control it... we wouldn't be able to make it last... once we give it a name.. all will end..."

Me: "You didn't think of that when you stopped me... Remember that night? Do you remember it?"

Xiumin: "Yes I do.. but still.. it doesn't mean..."

Me: "Don't! Just.. don't! You've hurt me enough... Please don't make me think that everything you said then were just lies... You knew very well how much I've struggled... I tried to get away so many times and you stopped me! Why would you? WHY?"

Xiumin: "I DON'T KNOW! I don’t understand why I’ve done that! I don’t know what I’m feeling! I don't want to talk about this!"

"Are you ok, honey?"

Her voice made the image vanish. I found myself in front of the mirror, so far away from those moments that could still make my heart ache. I turned around and smiled, assuring her that everything was alright, then I went to my room to dress.

*

Everyone gathered around umma while she kept looking at the cake without saying anything.. I thought she's not feeling well, but just as I was about to ask what happened, she closed her eyes, then blew out the candles, chuckling and clapping along with the others.

Mate: "She seems so happy! And it's all thanks to you, dear! You've done so many things for her and she's not even your real mother.."

Me: "Oh no.. don't say that.. She's our umma.. She will always be.. hadn't she opened this nursing home, all these people wouldn't have a place to live in peace.. She deserves all the happiness in this world..."

Mate: "So do you... these last 2 years I haven't seen you leaving this place for at least one day... you're young... you need to live your own life.."

Me: "I'm fine! Don't worry... I like being here... This is my family now.. I don't want anything else! I'm happy!"

Mate: "You don't even believe it yourself... but I won't argue.. just don't forget that you cannot control what was already written..."

Me: "What does that suppose to mean?"

Mate: "Let's join umma! Oh.. where did she go? UMMA!"

Umma: "Hahaha.. I told you! I told you! Remember? He said he wouldn't miss my 80th birthday! He's here honey! Your Xiumin is here!"

I startled when hearing his name, while my heart started beating faster... So he did keep his promise to see umma. Two years... we were about to meet again after two years... would he look at me the way he used to?

Would we be able to shake hands, without letting the past become a cold distance? Will I find the courage to show him that all has changed? That now I am someone else? But… what was new? Did anything change? Was I fine?

"Annyeong!"

I turned around, seeing his shy smile, while he greeted the people around us, before coming closer and looking into my eyes. I've answered slowly, trying to avoid his look. Umma pushed me gently, making funny signs.

Me: "How are you?"

Xiumin: "I'm fine.. Same old me.. stupid, useless, irritating, heartless, cold friggin’ idiotic..."

Me: "You forgot the 'pabo pabo pabo' part."

Xiumin: "Ah.. yes.. true. I'm gonna add that the next time we'll meet."

Me: "Hm... so pathetic..."

Xiumin: "Me? Hahahaha.. girl.. I'm the least pathetic person on earth. Ok, ok... that's not true, I know... but you get the idea."

Me: "Had a safe trip?"

Xiumin: "Unless this is my ghost.. I guess yes..."

Me: "And still making fun of everything..."

Xiumin: "Always! Never gonna stop doing that! Now... where's the cake?"

Umma: "Cake? You lil brat! What about me?"

Xiumin: "Just joking umma! I missed you so much! Let me hug you!"

Umma: "Liar... oh... not such a tight hug boy.. I'm not young anymore..."

Xiumin: "What are you talking about? I could fall for you in the next second!"

Umma: "The heart knows only one true love... Now let's eat some cake!"

Me: "Don't overdo it, umma!"

Xiumin: "Come on girl, stop it! It's a special day!"

Me: "You should better shut up..."

Xiumin: "Or else???"

Me: "AH! You're really...."

Xiumin: "Annoying... a pain in the neck... yeah yeah...I know... woohoo!"

He helped umma to sit down and offered her a piece of cake, while smirking at me once in a while.. This would be a long week! And.. with him around… just… HA!

*

It was a cloudy yet warm afternoon and since I didn't have much to do, I decided to go outside for a walk, when I saw him sitting on a bench, holding a notebook. At first, I wanted to pass him by, but hearing him letting out a sigh made me stop. I looked to my left, trying to act cold.

Me: "What are you doing here?"

Xiumin: "Trying to write something... remember when we used to write those little stories?"

Me: "How can I forget? We left one unfinished... but you don't seem to be in the mood..."

Xiumin: "Oh yes I am but... I am just feeling empty, like most of the time.. I dunno why.. I just feel nothing or at least that's what I think.. that I don't feel anything..."

Me: "When did you?"

Xiumin: "Oh don't start! I'm really not going to argue like in the past..."

Me: "That's the truth... you never felt anything.. and even if you did.. you've chosen to hide it deep inside your heart..."

Xiumin: "I just don't want to talk about it!"

Me: "Are we doing this again? For how many times? Let's end it here, now!"

Xiumin: "I'm tired.. I should go and rest a bit... I'll see ya around."

Me: "You're doing it again dammit! Always leaving when I need you. Fine.. go!"

Xiumin: "I've always said to you that I won't leave... Even if I am not here, I'm with you.."

Me: "I can't believe you're doing this! I hate it when you keep everything inside you... After all this time that passed, in which I've told you so many things, when I could have just seen you as a friend and nothing more..."

Xiumin: "Put yourself in my place... you know very well I once stood between you and your friend... I don't want to live with the guiltiness that I've been the reason why there was no story between you two.."

Me: "Are you actually telling me you've been acting like this all these years, because you thought that... Unbelievable! He was and still is just my friend, you stupid!"

Xiumin: "Listen... You don't understand! I'm doing this for your own good, even if you don't believe me!"

Me: "The bond we had kept me alive all this time so please.. Don't! Just.. no.. don't! Forget that I was ever in your life!"

Xiumin: "No! I won't! I feel pain right now... but I will always be with you.. even though you might not see me.."

Me: "You're the one pushing me away... maybe this is what I wanted... this is my answer... I have a stupid life... I gotta stick to it... I did wrong when dreaming.."

I stood up and walked away without even bother to wipe my tears. After so much time, there was finally an end... This was it... I felt him grabbing my hand, trying to stop me like he did that night.. I've struggled to make him let go, but he pulled me closer.

Xiumin: "Don't you feel it?"

Me: "Feel?? I'm dead.. no feelings left..."

Xiumin: "My mind tells me to push you... but my heart is pulling at the same time. And just at the moment when I thought my mind is stronger, my heart pulled back so hard.. and they keep on fighting..There's no end!"

Me: "What do you want? And you better say it this time... because this is our last chance, understand me?"

Xiumin: "What do you want me to say?"

Me: "Exactly what you feel and want..."

He glanced at me, hardly breathing, then let go of my hand and ran through the pouring rain, once again leaving me behind... I heard my mate calling out my name and I frowned when she got closer, crying..

Me: "What happened?"

Mate: "Oh dear... umma!"

*

I kept caressing her hair, while she was smiling gently at us. Xiumin couldn't stop talking, trying to hold his tears. All this sorrow we felt was more painful than any words could describe it. There was nothing left to do... so hopeless.. I was sitting on the bed, not able to do anything...

The wind seemed to understand that this was exactly the moment when the heart silently releases the last hope, lending a helping hand and letting it fade away in the golden ocean above.

Suddenly the mind stopped wandering.. thoughts saw a painless ending... words remained cremated on rosy lips and eyes smiled one last time..

Everything was now calm and quiet... no clouds... no wind.. nothing.. just a dreadful peace... Umma's love was still easing our hearts even in this moment, when we knew we wouldn't ever be able to hear her chuckle again...

Xiumin kept looking outside the window, trembling.. I got near and back hugged him... The sun melted slowly, leaving behind pinky petals of light on a silent sky...

I tried to understand how could so many things happen in such a short amount of time... all these emotions, the encounter, the birthday, umma's smile, his words... the rain...

In the next days, we took care of the nursing home, deciding who's going to be the new owner. I knew my mate would do her best and make our umma proud. Things wouldn't be the same, but she will take care of everything.

As for me... I didn't feel like staying there anymore.. Nothing left to keep me going. Umma was the only one who could give me strength and she was no more...

After looking one last time at the building, I took my luggage and headed to the front gate, seeing Xiumin resting against the nearby cherry tree. He kept his eyes closed, while muttering slowly. I wondered whether I should say goodbye or just leave, when he spoked softly:

Xiumin: "Two years ago I was scared I might be a burden in your life and not let you be happy with your friend... so I decided to leave.. Now.. I'm scared because I don't know what I feel towards you. I am scared because... when I'll accept this feeling and we'll become something.. it might go wrong... That's why I am scared... We were the best friends ever.. and I know you still care... but what if I'll fail? What if we'll both fail? I can’t imagine ourselves not being friends anymore… I want to at least mean that much to you… I do care… Believe me.."

Me: "My friend still is someone special in my life.. I can't deny that.. But we don't see each other the way you've always thought... And about you and me.. about our story... We can't know what will happen... but one thing I know for sure.. You will never be able to leave... all the letters you've written in the past two years tell everything..."

Xiumin: "How did you know about my letters?"

Me: "Well... Umma... You're such a pabo!"

Xiumin: "Pathetic pabo...."

Me: "Indeed… Now.. if you ever do this again to me... I swear I'll..."

Xiumin: "Shhh... listen... I want you to be here with me. Would you help me get rid of this fear?"

Me: "I've always been with you... And I'll always be... pabo!"

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