96) Happy Birthday to our cute lil giant Yoda, the one and only happy virus Chanyeol! Wish him all the best! (11/27/13)

- written by Guardian of Love and HunNoo_«  -

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  No matter how much you will try to fight, you will never be able to change destiny. Maybe because the key is not changing, but accepting it, making it yours. Who knows what’s there for you to cherish when your eyes witness another dawn?

  If there is something to think of, is just you and your heart… Only when you will find your true self, you will be able to look up to the future.. then.. you will start realising how much you mean to those around you..
 
  A walk in the silent forest, as the wind embraces my body with a chilly fresh scent is that kind of escape that every soul needs to keep the faith, when all the hopes seem to vanish.. Peaceful lazy moves of green giants guide me to an unknown destination, while my feet drag an unconscious me to that place..

  My mind wanders hectically as if there is something I should understand, but it’s too early for me to find an answer… I just keep walking, looking up at the green web through which the sunlight struggles to get, making my white dress sparkle every few seconds..

  At one point, I feel I am not alone anymore… I can’t see anyone… but a strange presence makes my heart sigh… whatever it might be, is there with me… following me… I’m craving for a sign of life… I want to scream… to cry… maybe I should run…
 
  “Why should you be afraid, when I am with you?”

  A soft yet manly voice fades away in the pale sunlight as I look around, seeing nothing more than trees and plants moving slowly.. I find it hard to breath… I need to hear it again.. My heart is aching… one more time.. just one more time..

  Me: “Where are you? Please come..”  

  Voice: “I’m always with you.. don’t stop.. there are questions to be answered, hopes to be reborn, things to realise.. keep walking… be strong.. like you always were..”

  Strong… how could someone be strong, if the heart seems so weak? Was I strong? Was there anything I had to fight for? Or maybe something to let go? Why were so many images flowing in front of me? Who was there, smiling at me, while waving goodbye? Who was I?

*

  I kept asking myself why was I feeling so strange all of a sudden, while looking at him, worried as if this time, his departure will be the start of a story which we won’t be able to write together…
 
 “Hellooooooo!!!!! I am leaving!”

 Me: “Chanyeol! Wait!”

 I ran towards him, hugging him tightly. He was quite surprised of my attitude, patting my back slowly, while asking what happened. I looked at him, not knowing myself what to do next. I stepped away, smiling shyly.

 “Boy.. that was so emotional.. ah.. you look like two love birds..”

 Chanyeol: “Yah! Cut it off, Bacon!”

 Me: “Baekhyun! Welcome!”

 Baekhyun: “Thanks, noona! Channie, stop calling me like that! So, ready to go?”

  Chanyeol: “Yes.. I’ll take the luggage.”

  Me: “Take care!”

  Baekhyun: “Don’t worry.. I will make sure that no one will steal his heart… he’s meant for you..”

  Me: “Ah.. stop saying such stupid things..”

  Chanyeol: “Don’t mind him noona! Off we go! Bye! Saranghae!”

  He waved me goodbye, while smiling brightly. I looked at the car for few minutes, before going back in the house. I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the day, thinking if he had arrived there safely.

  His manly yet soft voice warmed up my heart, when I picked up the phone, hours later. I hoped that this time he will be successful. It was his dream to become a singer and he’s been fighting for it with all his strength.

  Chanyeol was that kind of person that will do his best to fulfil his dreams, yet he would be very affected if people won’t show him support. He’s been struggling to let others know the real him, but somehow things never happened as he wished.. Knowing how stubborn he was, I had the fear he might mess it up again… and this time I wasn’t there for him..

*

  Few days have passed since he left, yet my heart couldn’t find some peace, even though I kept talking with him at the phone ever single night.. I wasn’t able to name that feeling.. but it was something that I wanted to get rid of, yet I needed it like air.. I wondered what it might be..

  “Are you still there, noona?”

  Me: “Yes.. I am sorry..”

  Chanyeol: “I am bored… Bring me some food.. I am hungry and lonely and cold.. and sad..”

  Me: “Food? Not at this hour.. Lonely? I am here with you and will always be there for you when you’ll need me.. Sad? Wae? I’m talking with you, forgetting about the stuff I have to do.. yet you’re sad? Cold? Hm.. hug?”

  Chanyeol: “I do not care about eating at this hour, as long as I am lonely… You’re here, but you’re not actually here.. I’m in bed, it’s cold and I’m close to crying.. hugs through phone… not quite realistic.. but thanks.. ah.. I just noticed… I am such an useless person… you have fans that can draw, sing, dance, paint, play music, write... and I'm just here like: hi… I wonder when people will like me for who I am, not for the things or people that are present in my life.. no one wants to be my fan.. aish.. ”

  Me: “Why are you talking about that now? Did something happen?”

  Chanyeol: “Never mind.. By the way, about today... it was kind of special.."

  Me: “What's so special about this day?”

  Chanyeol: “It's 11/12/13.. we'll never see this again..”

  Me: “Wasn't so special for me though..”

  Chanyeol: “Same here.. I will go to sleep.. I don’t feel good at the moment..”

  Me: “Wae?”

  Chanyeol: “It’s nothing important.. I am gonna hang up.. take care, noona!”

  I let down the phone, thinking at our chat… Why would he bring that matter up? What could have happened? I grabbed the blanket and covered myself up, trying to fall asleep. The night passed by, while I kept looking at the ceiling…

*

  I made my way through the crowd to walk up on the stage. People kept smiling and clapping, while I took the award and turned to give my acceptance speech. I didn’t really pay attention at what was happening around me, I just said everything that was in my heart, hoping this time he will understand me.

  Today my heart felt heavier than ever.. Maybe this was the day when I’ll realise what that feeling was.. I went to him, but before I could speak, one of my friends grabbed his arm, laughing loudly.

 Friend: “The big star is here! Such an honour to meet you!”

 Chanyeol: “Oh, I am not the star.. ha ha.. you got it wrong.. noona is the famous one..”

 Me: “Can we talk a bit?”
 
 Friend: “Oh no… you are famous, Chanyeol! Your mini album is doing really well.. but I wonder why isn’t there a comeback yet.. people might start forgetting you…”

 Me: “Chanyeol, please… I want to tell you something..”

 He kept avoiding me, while talking with the girl. I couldn’t stand it anymore so I pulled him outside the house. He turned and looked at me, faking a smile. I got nearer, caressing his face. I just wanted to know what was happening. Why was he so distant?

 Chanyeol: “It’s nothing, noona…”

 Me: “There has to be something.. you’re acting strangely… please tell me.. don’t you go away.. stay here! I want to know what is wrong!”

 Chanyeol: “Don’t pretend you are clueless because damn you know very well! Are you satisfied now? Are you happy?”

 Me: “What are you talking about?”

 Chanyeol: “I am talking about the embarrassing moments you made me go through. Why did you have to make fun of me in front of all those people?”

 Me: “You gotta be kiddin’ me! I was just teasing you a bit.. you always liked that..”

 Chanyeol: “I hate it when you’re teasing me like that in public and you know it..  I don't laugh when you do that, you make me feel upset and mad.. the famous writer making fun of me.. what a great topic for the media..”

 Me: “Don’t start with the famous thing again! You know I don’t like that!”

 Chanyeol: “But is the damn truth! You are popular, you get along well with everybody, people look forward to your stories.. you have anything I wished for… and me? I have nothing!”

 Me: “That’s a lie! You debuted with a wonderful album! Your music is fresh and entertaining! Your future is bright, trust me!”

 Chanyeol: “Ha ha.. don’t be sarcastic.. we both know how I managed to debut..”

 Me: “Who told you?”

 Chanyeol: “That’s the least important thing.. what really matters is that once again I’ve failed.. I am a loser.. no one will ever look up to me.. I am not worth it..”

 Me: “No, you’re not a loser! Stop doing this to yourself! Listen.. I didn’t do anything.. the music producer was the one that called me to tell me how much he liked your song. I have nothing to do with his decision.”

 Chanyeol: “I became a singer because that person knew who you are, not because I am good. So stop it! You’re only making it worse than it already is.”

 Me: “Why are you saying this? Please, Chanyeol! I am your noona, don’t hurt me like that!”

 Chanyeol: “No you are not! You never were! I am an orphan, remember? You are not my sister! Get that inside your head! I am no one, just a stupid good for nothing soul that your parents helped out. It was just their duty, knowing they were responsible for my family’s death. I know the whole story. I am not dumb.. Your dad caused that accident. You and your parents are those that destroyed my life!”

 Me: “I didn’t do anything.. Don’t accuse me, please! I always wanted the best for you! And I might have had the intention to talk with the producer, in order to help you, but I swear I didn’t do it. It wasn’t necessary because he realised how talented you are. Don’t go away!”

 Chanyeol: “I want to be alone! Please let me live in peace!”

 Me: “Why are you behaving like this? Tell me! What the hell do you want me to do?”

  Chanyeol: “I want you to stop pretending you care! You just don’t give a damn about me! The only thing that matters for you is your damn career! You’re afraid of what people might think if they will find out about my failure!”

  Me: “Don’t bring my career into discussion! You should concentrate on your duties and fight for your dream! It’s not my fault that you keep giving up whenever it turns out to be too hard to keep going! Stop being disrespectful to me! I am older than you!”
 
  Chanyeol: “ You might be older, but that doesn't give you the right to hurt me. You once told me that you don’t understand why people like you, because you see yourself as a selfish person. You know what? You are damn right! You're mean and harsh. If you really cared about me, you would have stopped teasing me when you saw I had enough of it. You knew I am a complicated person. You knew about the things I like and what I don't. I will do what I should've done a long time ago… I will go out of your life so that I will not be a burden anymore! But you won't really care, would you? You were the one I could say everything to, I liked you. I liked my life in these few years cause you helped me through. But in the end, you are the same as everyone else. You just showed me your pity like they all did! I don’t give a damn about them.. But I didn’t expect you to do that.. You hurt me more than anyone else did. I'm a changed person because of you... I should congratulate you for doing this to me.. At least now I realise how bad life is.. even the one I loved the most doesn’t care…”

 My tears kept falling, yet I couldn’t say anything… He patted his legs nervously, waiting for a reply. He needed me to react so that he could get out the anger… I was just standing there, doing nothing..

 Chanyeol: “Are you gonna reply or what? Guess that's a no. I want to say one more thing before I go... You said you'll always be there for me... You lied...”

*

  The fading sound of laughter and fireworks seemed to give a little bit of life to the dark starry sky, while the sorrow kept hurting my heart… As I was running, his words followed me, making me go crazy: “You are not my noona! You never were!”… I then realised.. that feeling finally had a name… it was called love..

 I got home without even noticing.. I just didn’t know what to do… All this time I’ve been loving him, yet I couldn’t support him as I should have. Instead I kept hurting him like my parents did… He had the right to be mad… When was I there for him? When did I show him how much I care?

  There weren’t many things to pack up.. In one hour I finished everything.. I got outside, closing the front door. The destination wasn’t clear yet, but I kept walking, holding my backpack while texting him.

  “You're right, I lied.. and I am sorry… I will never be there for you, because I can't, since I hurt you so much... And yes.. I am not as people think I am.. In fact.. I am worse than you described me.. I will leave the house under your care! I will not be around to do that anymore. And please forgive me for everything I've done.. I couldn't help it.. that's my stupid personality.. I hope you will have a wonderful and happy life and that you will stay healthy.. Don't give up on your dream and keep up the faith.. And.. um.. please don't hate me, ok? Even if you forget about me.. don't keep hatred in your heart.. I am not worth it.. All the best, Chanyeol! Your noona loves you! Goodbye!”

  After sending the message, I head off to the train station, thinking about my parents’ second house. We never actually lived in it, but my dad planned to move there, after I had finished my studies… He couldn’t do it anymore, since his destiny cut short his desires, when that heart attack took him away from me…

  I bought the ticket and sat on a bench, waiting… I could hear his laugh everywhere around me.. His image was torturing me. I needed to escape.. I ran away, bumping into people.. I didn’t want to feel this anymore.. it was too painful for me.. I closed my eyes and covered my ears, telling him to stop.

  The wind made the green giants move once again.. I found myself in the middle of the forest, looking at the pale sunlight. I turned around, looking for him… I asked him to come to me.. A gentle backhug made my body tremble… He was finally here…

  Me: “Please forgive me!”

  Chanyeol: “There is nothing to forgive you for! I should have realised it sooner that you were the only one who supported me.. I was blind.. but now… is a new start.. a new dawn awaits you..”

  Me: “I don’t want to see it alone… hold my hand…”

  Chanyeol: “I will be there with you… we will see it together… just let time tell us the story.. go now! I am right beside you!”

  Just one last time I needed to hear that manly yet soft voice… I needed him… I wanted to go back! I wanted to see that dawn!

*

  “Chanyeol!”

  My scream made the nurse fall down on the floor. She looked at me shocked, before calling the doctor, trying to get up. Chanyeol ran inside, followed by Baekhyun, who helped the nurse.

  Me: “Mianhae! I didn’t mean to…”

  Chanyeol: “Do you realise how scared I was? Never do that again to me!”

  Me: “I am sorry.. I didn’t see the car… I just saw you standing there and.. please.. please forgive me! I never wanted to hurt you! I am sorry!”

  Baekhyun: “Madam.. how about some water to calm you down?”

  Nurse: “I can figure it out by myself that we should move our butts, mister!”

  Baekhyun: “Yah! I am just being polite! Jeez!”

  Chanyeol: “Ha ha.. he’s such a figure.. How are you feeling?”

  Me: “Good.. listen.. I’m sorry..”

  Chanyeol: “Shh.. Don't be sorry, I am the one to say I'm sorry. Why did you leave? You don't care about me? Fine. But I still care about you, I always did. I forgive you for teasing me and I am not mad about that... but I will never forgive myself for hurting you. My life wasn't happy at all, you made me happy. And I will never hate you... I will never forget about you. In my heart there will always be a free spot for my noona... You are right, you're not worth to be hated, you're worth to be loved. I love you, my dear sister. Don't ever leave me again...”

  I let him hug me, while I kept thinking at all that happened. Everything seemed so confusing and I couldn’t get over the fact that now, when I finally understood what was inside my heart, the feeling didn’t seem strong anymore…

  He may have noticed the coldness of my body as a reply to his hug, because he looked at me, then moved backwards, trying to breath normally. Our eyes met one last time, before he left the room.

  I then had the feeling that he would always remember everything that happened and that would be an obstacle in our relationship.. I knew I won’t be able to maintain our bond… because I couldn’t see myself as his noona anymore… because I loved him…

  I knew I will always remind him of his past… of his parents… and of all those times when he thought he failed while I kept gaining, even though that never really happened… it was just in his mind… I never saw myself as successful as he told me whenever he had the chance.     
     
 If there is something to think of in life, is just you and your heart… Only when you will find your true self, you will be able to look up to the future.. then.. you will start realising how much you mean to those around you.. and you will understand that the best thing to do is to leave, in order for your dear ones to be happy… and so I did…

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I hope you guys liked it. I think this is the first sad story I wrote. Mianhae about that... I just couldn't think of another ending.. It kind of suits the story. Thank you for reading. Please continue to love and support EXO. God bless you all!