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Reviewer : coolgirlaamy
The Title (5/5)
This title is definitely one of those that will catch your attention. It’s the kind of title that would stand out if you were looking through a list of stories. I also liked how it was very fitting to your story. The story is about Kibum, how he is basically awaiting his death and how each moment is passing in his life before he finally leaves so good job and great title.
Description and Foreward (8/10)
In my opinion, the description was perfect. There isn’t anything that I would want you to change about it. It gave an insight into your plot without revealing too much - something horrible has happened to the main character and his life is basically destroyed. The description also refers to time which is good because the story is called ‘Flight of Time’ so it helps prove that your title is actually relevant to the story.
However, I will knock off a point or two because of the Foreward. The foreward is a good insight into the story, it helps us kind of realise what horrible thing has happened to the main character. Despite this, I had a few issues with the grammar which I will explain more later but I had to knock off some points because of it.
There is one thing that I have to admit though. I do like how you have a soundtrack/ mood music for your story but if I’m being honest, it’s quite annoying. When I first opened your story and the music suddenly came on, I got quite the shock, especially since I wasn’t expecting it.
Plot and Originality (28/30)
The plot is basically centred around Kibum’s illness and how he is going to die soon but he doesn’t want to leave his life behind mostly because of his relationship with Jonghyun. The plot is easy to follow, easy to understand without making it completely obvious to the reader that this is what your plot is and this is what’s happening. I don’t want to read a story where I don’t have to do any thinking about what’s going on since the author has told me everything so I think you’ve been quite successful with your plot.
I am aware that there are a few other stories like this out there but it isn’t completely clichéd so there aren’t really any issues with the originality of the plot.
Characterisation (17/20)
Kibum is very believable as a character. He seems human, real, like he actually exists and I can see him in front of me. He’s sad and upset and unwilling to leave the people he loves behind him. And he acts like a real person would in these situations. He’s scared of dying and he lies to protect the people around him from the truth. I think you’ve captured him as a character quite successfully.
Jonghyun, however, I thought in the beginning was a little too perfect. He’s always there for Kibum; he always wants to be there to help him, to comfort him, to protect him. I’m happy however that you focused a few of the chapters on Jonghyun because then I was able to see that he isn’t as perfect as I thought. He hates the disease Kibum has and he is really hurt and in pain because of it. He love and hates Kibum at the same time which I think has helped made him more realistic as a character.
Writing Style and Language (17/25)
Your writing style is completely fine. There’s nothing to change about it and you help capture a lot of emotion within your words which helps me feel as if I’m in the same position as the characters and I feel the pain that they feel.
Spelling most of the time was okay. I did find a few occasional errors but it’s nothing too serious that I would have to take off so many points. I do suggest though that you proofread just to catch any errors that you didn’t realise were there.
I have had to dock some points because of the grammar. I understand that English isn’t your first language but some of these errors were just so annoying and popped up so often that I feel like I have to take points off. However, I will try to explain what these errors were, especially the common ones.
Original sentence
“I know.”The boy answered, his voice soft yet confident.”How long?”He asked as he looked out of the window, his eyes following a couple of colorful butterflies as they flew freely.
Fixed sentence
“I know,” The boy answered, his voice soft yet confident. “How long?” He asked as he looked out of the window, his eyes following a couple of colorful butterflies as they flew freely.
First error you made here was the full stop within the inverted commas. I did see you change it a few times in the later chapters but this one is still here. Basically, when dialogue is written you end with a comma before you put in the inverted commas, especially when you write something like - “bla bla bla,” he said. What I mean is, if you’re going to write something after it/following it then a comma is needed, or whatever else you’re using.
However, there is an exception to this rule. If you’re not writing whatever they did, or you’re not writing something else after it then you have to use full stop (I’m just explaining this part just in case you get confused). For example, something like, “I didn’t do it.” where you haven’t chosen to write how the character has said this or what they’re doing uses a full stop.
The next error is this:
“Cold…Kibum was lying on something cold…like ice or even worse.”
“Yet somehow he didn’t care…”
There are too many ellipses in your sentences. I mean, sometimes, you don’t even need the ellipses there. Most of the time, you can end/split the sentence with a comma or a full stop. There isn’t any need for all of these ellipses. Sometimes, it does work i.e. in dialogue to suggest that there is a pause when the character is speaking but most of the time, it isn’t required.
There is also some weak sentencing where I don’t really understand what’s going on and I have to reread it a few times before I can understand. I think there were also some sentences where I had no idea what was going on or how you could fix it. It’s nothing too big where I have to take off a lot of points but I think you should consider looking over some of the older chapters and rereading them. However, this issue does seem to go away in the later chapters so like I said, it’s not a big issue.
Flow (10/10)
This story flows really well at a good speed. The events don’t happen too quickly nor are they too slow. It’s a good flow for me not to become bored because it’s going too slow - it’s perfect and I feel that you capture the emotions well without putting too much focus on it or adding things into the chapters that aren’t needed. Everything fits and works well so good job!
Total (85/100)
Your story is great and I swear there is so much emotion in it that I was tearing up and almost crying at some parts. There are a few things that you should work on and grammatical errors that you should avoid but you are a great writer so don’t stop writing.
Thanks for being the first requester at this shop :)
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