Rainbow  by  LoveX2254 

Review by Divergin1004

Title (3/5):

I see its relevance to the story, and it’s quite memorable but it's not really special. You'd want a title where it would stand amongst the sea of fanfics; if I were to see your title for the first time, I'd doubt whether I would read it or not. Moreover, when I say your title isn't special, it's because the meaning behind it seems obvious. To me, it seems clear that the 'rainbow' in your story is Yuna. A 'rainbow' is seen as something bright and radiant which is a reflection of what Yuna is like. If you want to go to a deeper context, a rainbow appears after a storm has happened - another aspect that could be seen as a 'rainbow' was Yuna's opportunity to audition.  

Overall, your title was alright-ish to me; I do think it suits the story and it basically sums up the story. 

Description & Foreword (7/10):

Your description was straightforward and concise! Although it gave a bit of what might happen in the beginning, the rest of the paragraph leaves space for the readers to imagine on what might happen. However, it wasn't gripping. If I were to read it as a first-timer, I would've thought that your story might be another cliché story; why? There's a lot of fanfics out there that have an almost-similar plot as yours. I admit that, I might have continued reading it to see how you would execute your story in a different way. 

Your foreword was a comment from you. Here I would've suggest to give a little extract; as mentioned, your description may not come off strong so by giving a little section of the story, it would change the reader's initial thought. Other then that, your foreword and description's alright!

Plot & Originality (13/30):

To start off, personally, I don’t read any OC-related stories; why? Well, it’s because I can’t imagine it happening in real life.  

In all honesty, I feel that the story was focused on Yuna mainly; that may sound silly but I'll try elaborate on it. Everything seems to revolve around her, and there were times where I was wondering if there was going to be a chapter that would focus on another character such as Dev or another B.A.P member. If this were to happen, then the readers could've gotten a little sneak peek in the other characters lives, rather then just Yuna solely. Now, the idea of a young person wanting to pursue their dream yet they can't or couldn't due to reasons (in your case, it's that Mr. Choi simply won't let Yuna do so) is quite a typical theme here in AFF. However, I was interested on how you'd take this theme and twist it so that the plot would seem fresh. Now, after reading your plot, all I can say is wow. There were lots of little twists and turns, with a few added layers of drama. But other then that, the only thing that made a difference in the plot was Yuna's character; that's pretty much it. Personally, I was expecting for a major plot twist so that the story was a bit more interesting.

Now, I'm not saying your story was boring, it wasn't at all. I docked a lot of marks simply because I didn't see anything really special about it, moreover there were times I wished that something unexpected would come up. I understand that you were trying to keep the story as realistic as possible, but there could have been possible opportunities where the plot would have been more exciting. One for example was the saesang. Personally, I was quite amused and I would have loved to see him appear in the future chapters to see how he would have spice things up. So in the end, I think the plot was alright, however it could've been bettter. In the end, most, if not all the dramas were dealt with and I believe no loopholes were left as well!

Characterisation (11/20):

To me, I think the characterisation was a really weak point and here, I’m mainly going to talk about Yuna. On the whole, your characters didn’t struck me hard and I felt there were some traits of them that were really unrealistic. 

I’ll start off with Yuna. Wow, she has a lot going on in her plate; let’s talk about her background. She is an heir to a really known company, Choi InterTech, however she has issues with both her parents. Her dad, really wants her to take over the company and her mom, almost committed suicide. Then we find out that Yuna speaks nine different languages, and moreover has a black belt in karate, taekwondo, judo and kendo. Surprisingly, she has a Black Side whenever she sees blood or is hugged in the front. And let’s not forget, she has dated or been together with, more or less, half the guys in B.A.P.

Personally, I can’t imagine a person like that. Okay, the fact that Yuna is an heir but wants to pursue her dreams is, frankly, a typical character I’d see in AFF. However, I can’t imagine one girl, excluding Vins and Dev, knowing nine languages. Six or seven, that’s alright but nine? I would really be doubting that point. I understand that Yuna may not be fluent at all of the languages but don’t you think it’s a bit extreme? I only know Alexander (from UKISS) who knew seven but he’s practically the idol I knew that can speak over five languages. For the black belt part, from that chapter, I understand what you meant when Yuna said that her dad wanted her to be the ‘perfect girl all around’ – but being an expert in four sports? It makes me think of things such as:

‘Wow, she has a lot of free time’

‘Doesn’t she have school?’

'How was she so motivated?'

Perhaps I'm a bit close-minded in this aspect but can that really happen in real life? In my experience, I'd doubt it. 

Unto, the Black side. First off, did she really needed a name for that? Sure, it’s for identification when that side comes out but why need it though? Anyway, moving on, at first I was quite skeptical about the Black Side. If I'm being rational, perhaps I can see someone as Yuna having a Black Side, afterall she has to deal with so much stress and problems. In addition, the Black Side is something that's been a part of Yuna since she was young. However, on the other hand, I think by adding this element, you simply added a another layer of drama to the story. I think it's quite enough that Yuna has to deal with a lot of issues so adding the Black Side factor ultimately makes Yuna a bit more unrealistic. To put it simply, it's like adding more water to the bucket when it's already filled up; in my opinion the Black side just doesn't seem to fit in this context. 

Let’s talk about Yuna’s personality here. She’s part European from what I learned and has spent her whole life, practically, in London so I can learn where she got her out-going personality from. However, she’s vulnerable and I can see that. She puts on a smile, and would help others rather than herself. Yuna’s selfless and is quite protective about those around her. She has a strong exterior but in the inside she’s locked herself up- that aspect is also quite common on AFF however I like how you highlight  the fact that she can't cry. Although that may seem unbelievable, I can see that happening in real life. What was probably the most poignant part in your story was when Yuna cried. Why? She showed humanity; she showed weakness which may have seemed like a foreign idea to her. Moreover, it shows Yuna cares. Putting on a mask is one thing, but being able to show it is a completely different idea. Going back to the point of the Black Side, I think Yuna's mask was more then enough; it's an interesting (though typical) aspect which can be expanded upon in different ways whereas the Black side, well it just added a bit more drama don't you think? And I don't think Yuna, or anyone in real life actually, can deal so many situations in a period of time. It's likely, but for a young girl like Yuna, I think the idea's a bit far-stretched. 

Writing Style & Language (22/25):

I barely found any mistakes upon reading your story! I didn’t get distracted and it was quite hard to spot a mistake honestly. I did manage to find a few but I believe they’re just minors that can be fixed easily.

Example: Redicolous

Correction: Ridiculous

Example: "Like I said, You didn't have to get me anything," I laughed and patted him on the head.

Correction: "Like I said, you didn't have to get me anything," I laughed and patted him on the head.

Example: "No. You had many chances to speak many years ago." I said and swung my IV at him, hitting hit leg.

Correction: "No. You had many chances to speak many years ago." I said and swung my IV at him, hitting his leg.

What I could say is to proof-read; little things count, and besides these small flaws, your writing style and language is almost impeccable!

Flow (7/10):

The flow was alright, I feel that the pace of your story was alright and I don't think I was confused at one point. I felt that there were times that you could've expanded on one event such as the filming for the new movie or the hospital scene in the beginning. Other than that, I believe the flow was alright!

Total (63/100)

I hope your score isn't discouraging! This just means that there's an opportunity for you to improve and I believe that, that aspect is more important then the score. All I can say is your characterization is one section you'd need to improve; the rest are more or less alright. Though I think that your description and foreword could have been something that had potential to be really good. I apologise for the really late review! I was overwhelmed by how long your story was (in a good way) and it took me a while to finish reading it (and Word was being unmerciful, may I add) hence the long wait. I deeply apologise but I hope this review would benefit you in the future!