Wolf, the Top Gang – deardeerhan

Review by OutspokenGirl612 

The Title (4/5)

The title is quite interesting. It immediately gives the vibe of action and violence in the story. It’s not the most creative title I’ve seen, but it’s compelling and clear.

Description and Foreword (5/10)

What you wrote in the description section is simply perfect. It captures the reader’s attention automatically. But for the foreword, I would suggest that you put a small excerpt from your story, maybe a part where there is a small dialogue? It would only make the reader more interesting; and you can still leave your Author’s note down at the end of it.

Plot and Originality(25/30)

WOW, I haven’t read a story with such an interesting idea! It makes me curious as to how the world ended being so matriarchal and antique. I really like the idea, it’s refreshing somehow. I still can’t fit the angst tag anywhere in the story; it doesn’t give that vibe for now. Also, I don’t think there’s a need to put author’s notes explaining at the end of every chapter what’s actually happening; you already said it in the story and the explanations in the chapters where pretty clear. If readers don’t understand it’s because they’re not actually reading it, which means they’re at fault, not you. I’ve already seen gangs’ stories before, but since you show some different ideas when working with them, I must say you give them an original twist. I’m curious as to what the problem in this story will be. As a last note, I recommend that you rate the story as mature for the violent content, which would include foul language. That way, you don’t have to put any warning at the chapters.

Characterization (17/20)

Up until now, the characters are consistent and strong, that’s absolutely great. Be careful with Jinah, don’t let her fall into the damsel in distress type; there are many characters in AFF that start amazingly, being super strong, and end up being wimps.

Writing Style and Language(22/25)

I have to say, your style of writing is really good, and you know how to use vocabulary. However, I might mention now a few mistakes I found while reading:

1. Chapter one- I love the format you decided to use, with the indent at the beginning of each paragraph, but you forgot to indent the first dialogue line with which you open the chapter.

2. Chapter 3: Check the paragraphs to put indentations where you forgot them.

* At the end of a sentence you used the word “humility.” Seeing the context of the sentence I think you meant “humiliation” because “humility” comes from being humble and you already said before that Jinah had pride.

*Also, in the sentence “No shut up you don’t,” there should be a comma after “shut up.”

* “The clicks pierced her ear.”- It should say “ears” because, unless she had a problem with her hearing, or had the heels next to one of her ears, she hears with both.

3. Chapter 4- “There’re always few girls that either aren’t called over to a table or too shy to go to one.” Even though in spelling and grammar correctors it doesn’t appear wrong, it’s still a bit weird to see “there’re”, so I suggest using “there’s” instead.

4. Chapter 8-

*You used again the word “humility”; the phrase says “they experience ultimate humility.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean that they become extremely humble by losing, but humiliated, so change it to “humiliation”.

*”…who was, truthfully, quiet short”, “Quiet tight”- I’m sure you meant “quite” and not “quiet”, keep an eye on homonyms!

5. Chapter 10: “What, you going to release me now that I have none…”- You need to put the verb “be” in that sentence, like this: What, you’re going to release me that I have none…”

**For the whole fanfic, I recommend that you write Dark Era instead of abbreviating it, it’s confusing to see DE; whenever I see it I think Department of Education or Delaware.

Flow(8/10) 

The flow is good, although you need a more active chapter for your next update, you can’t let it go slow or else it will damage the story.

Total (81/100)