If Only... by ZBabyz

Review by Divergin1004

Title (3/5):

The title doesn’t grip me into reading at first sight, as I can guess that there are stories out there with the same title. However, it does make me wonder! I like it when a title makes me wonder on what the story can be about. As mentioned, since your title is common, I’d want to know what kind of twist you’d have with your story. Moreover, I thought ‘If only what?’ also, the title follows up with ellipses which sets an angsty vibe. I’d guess your story would be a romance one, but I also guessed mystery as well!

 The title also relates to the story, and I quite like that! The title doesn’t apply to Baekhyun only, but to other characters as well! The title brings almost every aspect of the story together, and it focuses on who started it all. You could apply the title to almost every incident that happened in the plot, which I believe is quite clever! So kudos to you!

Description and Foreword (7/10):

I was wondering on whose thoughts were those in the description! It really sets an angsty and rainy-like impression that it interested me on why that person was thinking those thoughts. Now, as I read I was debating whether that person was talking about an ex-lover, family member or someone just as important. I deducted points when I realised in the foreword that it was actually an ex-lover, and I thought on how you’d make MinRi different than the other girls.

The description was like a stream of conscience with the random-like but relevant thoughts jumping here and there, and that aspect made it quite creative. It gives us an idea of the character’s personality by doing that. Moreover, it echoes on what a deeply-affected person might’ve thought of as well.

For me, the foreword was quite satisfying; I just wished you made it more dramatic by using spaces so that everything wouldn’t be squash in one paragraph. Here’s what I mean:

Example: That was the only thing he can do. He cried again, not knowing the reason of it. He cried because he didn’t had anything else to do.

My example: That was the only thing he can do.                

He cried again- not knowing the reason of it.

He cried, because he didn’t have anything else to do.

That way, the lonely sentences can also reflect the loneliness of Baekhyun. Also the repetition of ‘He cried’ indicates that crying is more then an emotion but rather a routine, to emphasise on how much he misses MinRi. Also the hyphen and comma, adds a pause to make it more dramatic.  

Overall, a good description and a satisfying foreword.

Plot and originality (28/30):

I like it! It’s simple yet effective, and sometimes I prefer those stories over ones that multi-chaptered with lots of twists and turns. The story seems to focus on Baekhyun trying to get over his ex-girlfriend; however I can’t really understand MinRi’s importance in the story. I’ll just expand that aspect in the flow section. But anyways, I can see how her important she is as practically everyone is affected by her, one way or another. And this is when the title comes in; if only MinRi didn’t go to study in America; if only Kyuhyun liked MinRi as well (I assumed); if only Saekyu and Baekhyun didn’t go out; and if only MinRi didn’t break-up with Baekhyun.

The plot unfolds it’s way itself and I quite like that! Your story just doesn’t focus on how Baekhyun is affected but the others as well, sparking questions on what could’ve happened if MinRi didn’t leave them in the first place.

I quite like the twist at the end as well! I didn’t expect that one coming so I was quite surprised when I read the last few lines of the last paragraph. This part also adds that perhaps the story is about undying love; even if your lover is in another world from you, and despite how much pain they caused you, they’ll still be a part of you (man that was cheesy).

Characterization (17/20):

Here, I’ll mainly focus on Baekhyun. The story is mainly angsty so you pulled off Baekyun’s personality quite nicely to fit the theme of the story! The development of him from a normal person to a ‘vegetable’ was nicely explained, however I felt that he was indifferent at some areas. It’s like he bears no emotions which doesn’t really make me empathise. I understand that losing MinRi really affected him to a point where he doesn’t feel anymore, but I can’t quite understand how and why she was so important, to him, Amber, EXO or Kyuhyun. What made her different from any other girl? This aspect made me wonder where Baekhyun’s parents as well! Where were they when Baekhyun was alone and helpless?

Perhaps Baekhyun is vulnerable. The fact that maybe he relied on MinRi to be with him made him realise he can’t do anything without her. I like the fact how Baekhyun’s routine is like a routine to him; he has to do it. But if MinRi was there, he’d want to do it- because she was there. Now the fact he’s vulnerable was evident at the end; he’d die for her. From this, he lingered feelings for MinRi, despite the fact he was just as happy when he was with Saekyu. I can tell that he’s a person who’s dedicated to the people he cares about.

Baekhyun seems like a real person to me, despite the fact I’m doubting whether a person would die for someone who he loved before, his actions and motives resembled similarly to those of a person who lost a loved one.

Writing Style and Language (18/25):

Your writing style was good! It wasn’t distinctive however, which could’ve made your story more enjoyable to read. I did have a few problems with your grammar which were mainly wrong use of tense, and at the fourth paragraph there was a word which wasn’t capitalized. I did pick up a few errors along the way but I didn’t get too distracted by it. Here are some examples I chose but I believe you’re capable of fixing the rest.

Example: froze.

Correction: Froze.

This was the spelling error that put me off.

Example: “Hey, why are you here?” SuHo’s voice got mixed with the wind.     

Correction: “Hey, why are you here?” SuHo’s voice got mixed with the wind.

At this scene, I was confused on why the dialogue was in italics. Italics are used for emphasis, not for dialogue. I thought it’s to do with the fact that Suho’s speech may have been off due to the wind but later on, the dialogue was still italicised in the café.

Example: “No… NO! MINRI IS JUST BUSY!... She’s okay”.

Correction: “No… No! MinRi is just busy!... She’s okay”.

If there’s one thing that really puts me off, it’s when authors use capital words. I understand it’s used for emphasis, however that it something I’d imagine a little kid would do; it makes the work messy. By making the words bolder it also gives of the effect that, that person’s shouting or screaming etc.  

Now, for the language, you use pathetic fallacy greatly to reflect the mood of the story which is quite good. An example is when Saekyu was introduced and you described her as the ‘rainbow after a big storm’. I like how the timing of the story was in December so that also adds a cold effect to the plot as well! Your use of language sets an angsty vibe from the use of weather to the short dialogues.

Despite your little chips, just make sure to proof-read to avoid little mistakes.

Flow (8/10):

Your flow was alright! Sure it was jumpy but I managed to understand what was going. I wish there were some parts you could’ve expanded on such as the waiting for MinRi’s arrival and when Baekhyun was walking the last time to the bridge.

Now, I’m going to continue on from the plot section about MinRi’s importance. I believe that some memories or flashbacks of Baekhyun and MinRi together could’ve made the readers understand on why MinRi was important to pretty much every character in the story. You did describe her here and there throughout the story but a flashback could’ve given us a glimpse of MinRi’s personality; we can’t rely on our imagination on what she could’ve been like. You did mention that she was like an average person; not too smart, not to perfect, and not too poor or rich however by looking at her she made you comfortable-kind of like a mom. Now, that was perhaps the only description I got of her. So yea, perhaps a memory of Baekhyun being with MinRi might’ve made the reader understand on why was loved by so many.

Total (81/100):             

Overall, the story was nice to read! I believe your title was a very strong aspect, and the development of Baekhyun throughout the story was good as well! Your simple story had much deeper meaning that what it seems like and that is a good advantage to readers like me! Also, I’d like to say good luck on the contest! I think this story was well-written with a few hiccups here and there but I believe you’re capable of fixing them!

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Divergin1004