Just Another Tuesday Night by cyuan00

Review by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (0/5)

You asked me to recommend for a title and I will, cause even if the title you have now is sort of okay, I feel like it doesn’t really catches what you’re trying to portray through the poem. My suggestion would be to change it to: “The Quiet Boy.” I took it out from the poem itself, from the fifth stanza’s first verse. Why? Because I think it works perfectly, giving the effect you were searching for. You describe everything that he has, every movement he does, everything he sees. The title works as a contradiction; and the boy itself is a contradiction, having a dual life; so, why not play with that contraposition you created and lead it even beyond, to the title itself? I hope that’s helpful in some way, as well as my explanation for it 9 if it’s not, feel free to PM me). I won’t say anything else here, cause I think it’s more than clear as to why I’m not giving you any grading in this section.

Description and Foreword(5/10)

The description is okay; just add a comma before the word “compared.” As for the foreword, I want to suggest you put this two verses of your story there, to capture the reader: “The quiet boy in day is gone, / Tonight I’m out to have some fun.”

Plot and Originality(30/30)

The poem was exquisite. The fact itself that it’s a poem and not a short story makes it even better, in terms of originality. Yet, this is a hybrid poem, of the type called: narrative poem. Why? Because it has a story; it has characters, problem, ending; it has all the elements of a story, portrayed in the visual and metric style of poetry. I won’t enter into technical stuff, cause I’m sure you already know about it, and I already checked and the poem’s metric and rhyming are okay. As extra stuff, I must say, the whole story was captivating, since the first verse, until the very last one; I can say I felt the thirst for more.

Characterization(20/20)

I really like how you portray the character here. This whole necessity of him to search in the night for the action that’s lacking during the day is very interesting. The fact that it’s himself who narrates everything makes it even more pleasurable. I think it’s a very realistic way of portraying a normal young adult.

Writing Style and Language(23/25)

Since it’s poetry, there are poetic licenses that let you change grammar rules to make it fit the metric. I think you worked well with that and tried to use it the least possible; but whenever you used it, it had logical reason. I’m pleased with your use of language. However, you missed some commas here and there that actually won’t have a sound when being read out loud, but have to be added for those who read it without hearing the poetic voice:

1. Spiky earrings, leather wear / Designer shirt, slicked-back hair. – We need a comma at the end of the first verse because it’s an enumeration.  Check for other enumerations through the poem in case this repeats.

2. Yes I smile in the sun, - He’s confirming an invisible question, so you need to add a comma after “yes.” It won’t affect neither the metric nor the sound or musicality of the poem, so you can add it without worry.

Flow(10/10) 

It’s a short poem, yet the flow is just right. You merely went with the boy through one of his usual nights, but only one and not two or three. And you finished it exactly when it should be; the whole theme of the poem revolves around his double life, which happens at night, so you finish it when he returns for the day. Good job.

Total (88/100)

Good job! Honestly, even though I read a lot of poetry and work a lot with it as well in terms of technical stuff, it’s the first time someone asks me to review a poem; and I was rather pleased with what I read. Go submit it with your teacher, it’s got potential! :)

As an extra note, you should consider requesting a poster somewhere; I can already picture GD there, with a city full of lights as a background to him.