Seventeen Boys, Seventeen One-shots by seung-gwan

 Reviewed by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (2/5)

Well, since it’s a compilation of one shots not much can be worked with it. Although I feel like you could be more original and try to come up with a compelling name. For example, you can choose a common theme that unites the stories; if it’s fluffy romance you can put “As sweet as a lollipop”. You can also choose the title of one of the one shots and use it as the main title. I must also point that, the individual titles aren’t in the same order as how you have them in the description, and “Young Love” doesn’t even appear there, while there’s no chapter named “Hurry and grow up”. You have to be consistent.

Description and Foreword(5/10)

The list of one shots in the description box work fine. However, there’s no actual foreword, other than the credits. You should take a piece of one or two of the one shots that you think could spark curiosity and trap the reader’s attention; and put it in the foreword. That way, you’ll be able to secure on your grip more readers.

Plot and Originality(22/30)

Since its one shots, I’m going to talk about them individually:

1. It was simple and direct. I don’t know much about these boys, but I do know that they’re much younger than me; that’s why I don’t think the idea of them living together and getting married is realistic. They’re too young for that, so I find it unreal. Unless you specify their ages somewhere in the story and let the reader know that you’re actually imagining him older, then it doesn’t work well.

2. It’s a great plot. It starts cliché but has a totally different outcome. I enjoyed it a lot.

3. Once again, you made a great and sweet story out of another cliché, the “noona-dongsaeng” relationship. But I must say, I was bothered with the inconsistency in the point of view, it was mixed between 2^nd (You) and 1^st (I) POV.

4. Are you going to keep amazing me with the great plot twists? Now the “tutor” cliché twisted! It was seriously good.

5. It started again like a cliché plot, but you twisted it into a good ending. Honestly, I  crept out when I started seeing the lovey-dovey signs with that little kid; so I felt really relieved that he acted like a child.

Sincerely, other than the first story, the rest is ok; they’re not the most original ideas I’ve seen, but you still managed to mold them into your own and that’s great.

Characterization(14/20)

In my opinion, the boy’s characters are ok, except for Wonwoo, who’s doing stuff a kid of his age shouldn’t. With the girls though, the OC’s from the first and third stories weren’t the most credible. For the first one is because of the same reasons as Wonwoo, there’s no way a girl would live with her boyfriend, regardless of how many years they’ve been together, at her age. For the other OC, I don’t think a girl would change up her mind towards liking a boy that easily; if you don’t like someone then you just don’t, but you don’t reject a thousand dates with you and accept the last one to then tell him you like him, that just doesn’t happen.

Writing Style and Language (8/25)

Ok, you describe well in terms of actions, movements and sorts, but you have a problem with commas. There’s too many missing. You also have to be careful with homonyms, which are words that sound or are written similar but have different meanings and grammar uses, like “allowed” and “aloud”. I’ll point some mistakes from every chapter, but if you want to improve, you have to proofread or find someone whom you trust to do it for you. There are also many missing words in sentences, which I can infer, but it means you’re not proofreading your stories and post them as soon as you write them. Having a dictionary near you also works or even online dictionaries work as well. Here it goes:

Description and Foreword: You should be careful with mistakes here, since it’s the first thing a reader sees; it’s the place where you should proofread more than three times.

1. “four year agos”- Careful with the typos! It should be: “four years ago”

2. “bestfriend”- Where’s the space between the two words?

3. “Your tutor is one of the most popular boys in school, Jang Doyoon and you’ve had a crush on him for the longest time.”- The sentence order is somehow wrong, his name should go directly after the relationship with you, here’s an example on how to fix it: “Your tutor, Jang Doyoon, is one of the most popular boys in school, and you’ve had a crush on him for the longest time.”

4. “Seung gwan”, “Pledis entertainment”- Capital letters at the beginning of each word in proper names!

5. “a few years younger then you”- It’s not “then” but “than”

6. “…asks you if you need help, relieved that you found…”- There are two different ideas in those sentences; instead of a comma use a period.

First one shot:

1. “Wonwoo, wake up” I said while gently shaking him. - Correct one: “Wonwoo, wake up,” I said, while gently shaking him.

2. “Really?” He answered a while getting up and planting a kiss on my forehead. – Correct: “Really?” He answered, while getting up and planting a kiss on my forehead.

3. “to”- Homonym alert! You meant “too”.

Second one shot:

1. “You see today I’m going to confess to the girl I like!”He said while slightly blushing. – Again, commas! : “You see, today I’m going to confess to the girl I like!” He said, while slightly blushing.

2. “You never told me, your best friend about this!...” - Since you’re emphasizing on the fact that you’re the best friend, that information should be in between commas: “You never told me, your best friend, about this!...”

3. I don’t know how to respond. – Wrong verb tense; it should be “didn’t”.

4. “sometime” – You meant “some time” referring to “ a bit of time”; if you put it together it’s a synonym for “someday”.

Third one shot:

1. “You could feel everyones eyes on you…” – You forgot the apostrophe of the possessive: “You could  feel everyone’s eyes on you…”

2.  “…and hang out with him afterwards but a few months ago he asked you out.” – Commas! : “…and hang out with him afterwards, but a few months ago he asked you out.”

3. “you rejected him but he still keeps on coming and isn’t giving up on me…” ,  “You really, really loved ramyun and I guess…” – This is why you have to proofread, you mixed the POV’s, writing in both second and first person: “you rejected him but he still keeps on coming and isn’t giving up on you…”, “You really, really loved ramyun and you guessed…”

Fourth one shot:

1. “Thank you so much, well then I’ll see you after school Monday.” – There are several mistakes here. First, you should use a semi colon to divide the ideas, plus another missing comma and a preposition: “Thank you so much; well then, I’ll see you after school on Monday.”

2. “Dayoon”, “Doyoon” – Remember proofreading! A vowel can change the name completely.

3. “…to see Doyoon running towards you. Why would he want to talk to me?”- Once again, problems of POV.

4. “english test” – Country names, nationalities, and languages all go capitalized: “English test”

Fifth one shot:

1. “Yes, do you happen to know where Pledis Entertainment?”- Where’s the verb? You need to add an “is” after Pledis Entertainment before closing the question.

2. “Surprise! Welcome to Pledis” Everyone jumped out and said. – This is the correct way for this type of dialogue: “Surprise! Welcome to Pledis,” everyone jumped out and said.

3. “He’s way to young for me…” – Homonym alert! You want to put “too” and not “to”.

Flow(10/10)

The flow was really good! The one shots were short, precise and to the point; without losing the essence of what was trying to be said in them. 

Total (61/100)

*I’m really sorry if you by any chance find the review harsh; I tried to be as honest as possible while doing it. I strongly think your stories have the perfect potential. However, you seriously need to proofread them before posting them; our brains think faster than what our hands can type and because of this we tend to jump words while writing. If you don’t read after typing then you won’t see the mistakes.

* You also have to get better in your grammar; take half an hour at least an review the punctuation rules, especially where it concerns commas and semi colons, you need more strength in that area.

*I didn’t know where to put this other observation, but I don’t really think there’s a need for a chapter with the characters, since whoever reads it probably will know who they are; but that’s to you own choice I guess. Just try to have them more organized or something, maybe request a character chart in a graphic shop.

* I really hope this review helps you improve, because I know you can do much better; you have the potential. 

Fighting! ^^ Nat