Reborn by Banana_Dreams

Review by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (5/5)

The title is very interesting; it makes me want to know more about it, if it’s going to be about reincarnation or something like that. I love the mysterious aura it has.

Description and Foreword(8/10)

Perfect description, it catches the attention of potential readers with the definition and its importance to the characters. You selected a great excerpt for your foreword, it only makes me want to read it more than before; it’s captivating.

Plot and Originality(30/30)

Wow, the plot is really interesting. I can see that you did a lot of research and gave great thought on it. It’s totally creative. I must also congratulate you for using historical names in the story; it only makes it way better.

Characterization(15/20)

It’s too early in the story to see the whole way the characters are, but up until now the way you presented them is really great.

Writing Style and Language(12/25)

I’ll mention some mistakes for you to correct:

1. Foreword:

* “… she still felt the betrayal and her heart that was slowly stopping to beat.”- I would suggest changing the tenses in the last verbs, like this: “…she still felt the betrayal and her heart that slowly stopped beating.”

2. Trailer: You should try to make the trailer again but select someone who proofreads the sentences? It has many grammatical and spelling mistakes and that could have an opposite effect in the readers.

3. Chapter 1:

*I was a bit confused with the verbs, they were okay but you need to decide if you’re going to talk using present participle or if you prefer it in past and past participle; consistency is the key to preventing confusion.

* “…but the man could hear them like they stood beside him.”- Change “like” for “as if”: “…but the man could hear them as if they stood beside him.”

* “… as he heard his friends story”- You forgot the apostrophe: “…as he heard his friend’s story.”

* “He also said that the guy who killer her…”- Wrong verb tense, it should say “killed”.

* “…as if he was afraid to be attack by an animal.” Verb again: “attacked.”

*”pissed of”- It should have double f: “off”

*”information’s”- eliminate that apostrophe and s.

* “starred”- it should be “stared”

* “It’s been a while”- The verb tense is wrong: “It had been a while..”

* “predatory”- Should be: predator.

4. Chapter 2:

* “but the moon shone his beautiful…”- Change the pronoun “his” to “its”

* “Her breath getting slower and so did her heartbeat”- Change it to: “Her breathing getting slower, as well as her heartbeat.”

* “…while pulling out a thigh fitting black jean”- Jeans are always plural, put it like this: “…while pulling out a pair of thigh fitting black jeans.”

* “…assured her “,but why do you look so pale?”- The comma is wrongly placed; it should go after “her” and before the quotation marks.

5. Chapter 3:

* “He then went towards a table where a widespread map lied on top.” – If it’s on the table, then obviously it’s on top of it, so you don’t need to say it: “He then went towards a table, where a widespread map lied.”

*”Sions king loved the peace…”- You need an apostrophe, and peace doesn’t need an article before it: “Sion’s king loved peace…”

* Burmas king…”- Apostrophe again: “Burma’s king…”

* “The king new that it…”- You want the past tense of the verb “know”, which is “knew”.

* “The figure was a white elephant the most precious figure he owned,”- You need a comma after the word “elephant” because you’re adding extra information about it.

* “Whatever you do Suriyothai, please be save.” Instead of “save” use “safe” because “save is the verb and that’s not what should go there.

* “The queens” – Again an apostrophe, remember that when you want to add a possessive to a noun you need the apostrophe to make it, because if not it then means it’s plural. You want to say “The queen’s husband” which in other words is the same as “the husband of the queen”. Always put the structure of want you want to mark as a possession like that: The____ of the_____; if it fits then it needs apostrophe.

* Ok, in this chapter you have too many possessives missing the apostrophe, so I suggest you proofread it again.

* “Bad for me that we didn’t met each other”- Since you already have didn’t, the second verb must be in infinitive, not in past tense- “didn’t meet”

* “He was a hunter he could see…” – Missing a comma, it should go after the word “hunter”

 Flow(10/10)

The way in which you’re ordering the story is great, I can’t say if it’s too fast or slow yet because it’s barely starting.

Total (80/100)

Congratulations! Your new story is great! I must say that you have really improved on your English, that’s great; I can see the effort you’re putting on this one. Also thanks for trusting me to check your story again, it means a lot. :)