Spell of Fate by infinitestarz94

Reviewer : Shiina

The Title  (5/5)

The tite is very intriguing. When I first saw the title I thought of magic. A spell is always associated with magic so I thought to myself, "Is this story about magic?". Then you have the word "fate" and I think of two people who are meant to be, which also triggers the word "destiny" in my mind. Judging from the title I think that its going to be a story about two people who are tied together by fate. The title sounds magical and mysterious, it gets you on the edge of your seat. I really like stories which are mysterious, which is why the title caught my attention. 

Description and Foreword(7/10)

When I first read the description I thought that this story was going to be about two lovers who separated? It was also very myserious and no matter how much I thought, I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly was going to happen. I knew that two people were going to meet, it got me curious because I then wanted to know how and why they separated in the first place. 

Then I read the foreword; I was like, "okay....". The quote in there just made me go, "what..?" because then I got a bit of an insight of what might happen. At the same time, I was also confused because in the description you were talking about getting together then you kind of suddenly switched to talking about fate taking someone away from you. I just really like how mysterious the whole thing was, the last line of the foreword just made me want to cry. I was dreading reading the story because the last line sounded like they were going to somehow separate and I hated it. I really did like the foreword but I just didn't like how I had such an uneasy feeling reading it. Maybe because it sounded really sad already. I'm a really big fan of angst and I guess tragedy is quite similar. 

Plot and Originality(30/30)

Your story had me in tears. I am a big fan of angst and this was excellent. I liked how you didn't reveal how she died until the very end because that gives a very mysterious aura. The story was very original and you did a very good job. I think there should've been a bit more of a background before you jumped right into her being with him again. I really like how you didn't end it in a cliché way, you didn't make it have a happy ending. That makes it more realistic because in reality, stories don't really end in a happy way. 

Characterization(17/20)

Kris seemed so cold... even to his lover. I felt like he was annoyed with her all the time, as if her very presence infuriated him. You should've made him a bit more softer, people act differently when they're around their lovers and even though Kris was crazy for her, there were times I felt like he didn't love her. It was good how you made his character because it was like the real Kris, but I don't think he'd be that cold to his lover. 

Yura seemed like the typical Korean girl; full of aegyo and always whining to their oppa. I would've liked to know more about her because other than a bit about her personality, you didn't give me much to talk about. 

Writing Style and Language(18/25)

- "It seemed like a dream when I was with you. That dream didn’t last forever. It just lasted for some time, just for few moments." At the end you forgot to put the a before "moments" in "just for few moments". 

- "I wanted to embrace it as long as I lived, ‘till I draw my very last breathe." The very last word should be "breath" not "breathe". Breathe is a verb, its to breathe. Breath is a noun. I think you just got confused between the two and lots of people do, but please make sure you don't make this same error in the future.

- " “I want to go out.” A series of whining came along with pushing and pulling my body from my place." Should be, " "I want to go out." A series of whines came along with the pushing and pulling of my body from my place." 

- "I let out a heavy sigh letting go off her hands and snaking my arms around her waist, leaning my forehead against hers’."
In this, you wrote "hers' " it should be "her's" you never put the apostrophe after the s since its only one person. 

- " “It’s only the talk of today; how is it concerned with everyday?” I questioned." I couldn't quite understand what you meant by this sentence, I kind of get the idea of it, but I just don't know how to word it to make sense. 

- " “Hya!” she shouted at me burning a hole on my head with her furious eyes. I rubbed my neck tiredly not giving her any attention in purpose. She puffed her cheeks in anger, her fist balled tightly whitening the knuckles." Should be, " "Hya!" she shouted at me burning a hole through my head with her furious eyes. I rubbed my neck tiredly not giving her any attention on purpose. She puffed her cheeks in anger, balling her fists so that her knuckles whitened. "

The sentence had to be re-worded.

- "Warm rays of sunlight blinded my eye- sight; I kept it close pulling the blanket to cover my face, not wanting to ruin my dream." should be "Warm rays of sunlight blinded my eye-sight; I kept them closed pulling the blanket to cover my face, not wanting to ruin my dream." Since you have two eyes and they aren't objects you have to use "them" because they are nouns. The eyes were kept closed, you said kept which is past tense and close is present tense so I just changed it for you.

-  "I took hold of the locket and pulled it out of the stand it was hanged on." should be " I took hold of the locket and pulled it out of the stand it was hung on." The only time when we use the word "hanged" is when you're hanging someone, which is a way to kill people. 

I really liked how you wrote your story, there were a few errors in there but it was fine because I understood what you were trying to say. You used a lot of long words and you were very descriptive. As I said earlier, you have a lot of errors, I think you should give your story to someone to proof read it before posting it. I read your story after you edited it and I found that you still had small errors. 

Flow(7/10)

The story flows quite well, there weren't any parts I didn't understand. The speed was kind of fast though, it jumped straight into her being there and then they didn't do that much, then she left. I felt like nothing even happened on the day she was there. I know that its only one day and so its supposed to be quick but I kind of felt like they didn't even get to have fun. Plus, at the start you wrote about Kris looking out the window and remincing, then he went straight to bed, I found that kind of fast because I needed more background information about what he was doing after she left. 

Total (84/100)