Saturation- shawolistic

Review by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (5/5)

Great and simple. Straight to the point, yet very symbolic. It suits the story perfectly and manages to catch the reader’s attention.

Description and Foreword(10/10)

Totally eye-catching; as if the quote in the description wasn’t enough, the excerpt at the prologue sparks curiosity in the reader. The poster also helps, being somehow abstract and mysterious.

Plot and Originality(30/30)

What a great plot! For real! To be sincere, I hadn’t read something like this in a long time, in fact I don’t recall reading this type of writing in a fan fiction ever. I totally loved the use of metaphors and symbolisms, as well as the whole abstract idea with which you worked. It seems like you have studied art before, in terms of paintings and such, cause everything is well explained and described. If not, then you surely did some research, to give a strong base to this story.

Characterization(20/20)

What can I say? I fell in love with Kris all over! Same thing with Yixing. Their characters were pretty consistent in their personalities and the way you made them show their true characters was amazing. The fact that you used symbolisms as well as colors to describe their true selves was even greater.

Writing Style and Language(20/25)

You sure proofread it well and for that I must applaud you. Still, I would like to point out some mistakes:

1. Chapter 1- It was he. He with the feathery black wings, he with the shaggy golden hair now an ochre with raindrops dripping from it, he with the lean and lithe legs and he with the warm brown eyes defying the coldness and sharpness of his outward personality.-  I’m going to point out two mistakes here: First, I don’t know if you did it meaning to give a sort of different vibe but, it should be “him” instead of “he”, if you want to use “he” you have to put it with capital letter in every single mention of it; second, you are missing commas to seclude the extra information about the modification of the guy’s hair due to the rain.

Correction:

First option: It was He. He with the feathery black wings, He with the shaggy golden hair, now an ochre with raindrops dripping from it, He with the lean and lithe legs and He with the warm brown eyes defying the coldness and sharpness of his outward personality.

Second option: It was him. Him with the feathery black wings, him with the shaggy golden hair, now an ochre with raindrops dripping from it, him with the lean and lithe legs and him with the warm brown eyes defying the coldness and sharpness of his outward personality.

2. Chapter 1- The deep husky voice echoed along the corridor drowning the harsh sound […] - You’re missing a comma right after the word “corridor.”

3. Chapter 1- Kris, on the other hand, loved it when Yixing called his name even it was dripping with anger. – You’re missing the word “if” right after “even” and a comma after “name”.

4. Chapter 2- May be he could never […] - Eliminate the space between “may” and “be”; the way in which you’re using it here goes for one word, not as two, it would change the meaning.

5. Chapter 2- “What other way could I possible gain your forgiveness?”- Instead of “possible”, use “possibly.”

6. Chapter 2- “[…] I don’t know much details about the company either otherwise I would […]”- Instead of “much” use “many” for the

plural “details”. You also need a comma before “otherwise”, since it’s a contrast word that shows opposition.

7. Chapter 2- “[‘’’] and hopefully I won’t remember the incident or you! […]”- Instead of “won’t” use “wouldn’t”, cause Kris is expressing a possibility.

8. Chapter 2-  […] and Kris pulled him even closer leaving no […]- You have to add a comma right after “closer.”

9. Chapter 2- They were using wrong colors for a sky could not be […]- You need to add a comma after the word “colors.”

10. Chapter 2- […]and Yixing for the first time, so his younger self in him. – I think that, instead of “so”, you meant “saw”. Be careful with homonyms.

11. Chapter 3- The apathetic dizzle had begun, the drops knocking at Yixing’s window eagerly wondering where that familiar frown had disappeared.- You need a comma after the word “eagerly.”

12. Chapter 3- “You would love it” [..] “And then you would love me more!”- Both “would” have to be changed by “will”, since Kris is making a prediction of what’s going to happen.

13. Chapter 3- The only reason that Suho had even allowed the exhibition to continue was a message had received from Yixing […]- You are missing a “he” after the word “message.”

 As for grammar, it was great as well though; I could point out only one thing: The very beginning of the story looks beautiful to the eye in terms of vocabulary and everything, but for a normal reader it might seem too dense and hard to understand. But that’s just your style so there’s nothing wrong with that; if your aim was a highly educated public audience, then it’s more than okay.

Another concern of mine had to do with those first two paragraphs; the structure repeating resource works amazingly to make a point pop out or be emphasized, but I don’t know if using it in two consecutive paragraphs works well; in my opinion using it in the second only takes out the emphasis that had been given to the first one. Plus the reader might lose concentration or interest in the main idea that you want to be noticed by using this style.

Flow(10/10) 

The flow of the story is good, giving enough attention to every single important emotion of Yixing, as well as the way his personality is described; it was totally necessary in order to get the story moving.

Total (95/100)

*Congratulations on getting such a high score! Your story is really good; I’m recommending it to my friends and such. I hope the contest goes well for you! - Nat