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Read Read Read Review Shop (not accepting Requests)Mixing with Darkness by flamzfox
Review by coolgirlaamy
The Title (5/5)
I really love this title. It’s relevant and it incorporates the feeling/ theme of angst. It also helps provide a sense of mystery which sparks interest within me, and other readers, because I questioned who it is that is ‘Mixing with Darkness’. This is the kind of title that I would see and would want to click on because it stands out from the rest of them.
I also love the chapter titles because they are also really interesting and help draw the reader in. I love it when people have chapter titles in general since they’re nicer to look at rather than just reading numbers. Good job!
Description and Foreword (9.5/10)
In my opinion, your description was perfect. You didn’t give out too much information nor too little - you gave the right amount to keep the reader interested and wanting to read more. Like the title, it was really interesting and there was an air of mystery around it which is something that I really like in stories.
Just like the description, I felt that the foreword was also perfect. You provide an excerpt from the story, which I personally think is the best thing that you could use in your foreword, and I think this is probably the best excerpt you could have chosen. It links with the description and it really helps to entice readers further to actually read the rest of the story.
I don’t think there is any points I could dock at this part except the tenses which were kind of bothering me. In the description, you are writing in present tense and then in the foreword, you chose to write in the past tense. I just feel like both parts should be written in the same tense.
Plot and Originality (28/30)
To be honest, I’ve never really had the chance to read a story like this before. I know there are stories out there about detectives and people investigating cases while there are distractions and other people deterring them from actually finding the culprit. But I’m not going to knock points off you because your plot definitely stands out from the rest.
I love this plot! It’s amazing and I have loved each part of it so far, though the does make me feel a little uncomfortable sometimes. There is so much creativity in this plot and it’s amazing how intricate and deep it really is. You seem to have though about everything. I mean, the story isn’t just about this case, but a task that has existed long before this case even existed, and I’m extremely interested in where you are going to take it next.
There is something that I will dock off points for. I feel like you’ve made it way to obvious from the start who this thief actually is. It bothers me that I actually know who this thief is from the description/foreword. I would have liked to be kept on the edge of my seat wondering who it is.
Characterisation (20/20)
The characters are perfect. I love them and I love how you have chosen to introduce each one of them. When I first looked at your story, I thought that this would have only been about Tao and Kris and as much as I love them, I was concerned that it was going to get a bit boring only seeing the two of them. However, you certainly proved me wrong.
You have managed to use a number of different characters, introduce them and slyly give some background into the character and you have done this quite perfectly. Sometimes people find this task quite difficult and they fail in it, but you have done this so well.
I love how the characters are linked to each other in some way. Tao and Kris used to be lovers, Kris and Chanyeol are partners, Chanyeol likes Baekhyun (/he wants to get into Baekhyun’s pants), Baekhyun somehow knows Luhan (I’m not exactly sure how yet) and I think they both know Tao, Luhan meets Sehun at the party, DO and Suho are working with Tao to collect the pieces (At least that’s what I think they are doing). I’ve missed out the fact that Lay also exists, and Kris likes how Lay works. (I don’t know how else to word that)
I like how you have made each character quite mysterious and I want to get to know each one more, especially Lay for some reason.
Writing Style and Language (17.5/25)
I love your writing style. The amount of detail that goes in makes me feel as if I’m actually standing there and I can see what’s going on. I’m not sure if I should mention this here, but the amount of detailing that you put into this story is amazing. I especially love the amount of depth you put in in Chapter 8. First, the chapter name ‘A Sinner’s Mask’ is so interesting and then you go into each of the seven deadly sins and how they are relevant to the people in the party. I just loved that.
I also like how you put song lyrics in each chapter and they fit like really well in there.
In terms of your language, spelling was fine. I think I found like one error but it was probably just a typo so it’s nothing to worry about.
The sentence structure, however, I feel was weak. I found a number of errors where the sentencing wasn’t up to par. I think the only issues there are is that you forget to put commas where they are needed. It’s not anything major but you do it frequently which bothers me.
1. “He rested his face in the crook of Tao’s neck and took a deep breath in, inhaling the scent of the man.” - There is no need for the word ‘in’ to be there because obviously if he’s taking a breath, he’s breathing inwards. “He rested his face in the crook of Tao’s neck and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the man.”
2. “He smelled like cherries with a slight faint tinge of clementine.” There needs to be a comma between ‘slight’ and ‘faint’ because you’re listing what this scent of clementine is like. “He smelled like cherries with a slight, faint tinge of clementine.”
3. “Kris smirked upon noticing the lovely obvious shade of red it had on Tao’s skin.” Just like the last one, a comma is needed since you’re listing what this red shade is like. “Kris smirked upon noticing the lovely, obvious shade of red it had on Tao’s skin.”
4. “Kris still remembered his words: I can’t be with you Kris…you aren’t good enough.” If you are quoting what Tao has said then this should be in inverted commas. “Kris still remembered his words: ‘I can’t be with you Kris…you aren’t good enough.’ ”
5. “The brown haired male who was currently wearing a crimson shirt and khaki shorts was smiling that dumb bright smile again.” The description of Chanyeol’s clothes should be in parenthesis because you are providing additional information. Also, you forgot a comma again. “The brown haired male, who was currently wearing a crimson shirt and khaki shorts, was smiling that dumb, bright smile again.”
6. ““Oh, yea, I forgot, you have that mysterious boyfriend who ditched you.” The second comma should be a full stop. The sentence doesn’t flow very easily if there isn’t one there. ““Oh, yea, I forgot. You have that mysterious boyfriend who ditched you.”
7. “The waiter shook Chanyeol’s hand, Kris swore the two were now practically beaming at each other…” There should be a full stop in there rather than a comma or an “and”. “The waiter shook Chanyeol’s hand. Kris swore the two were now practically beaming at each other…”
8. “When the waiter finally left Kris was positive that if Chanyeol smiled any wider his face would fall off.” Missing commas, again. “When the waiter finally left, Kris was positive that if Chanyeol smiled any wider, his face would fall off.”
Flow (8.5/10)
This story flows at a good speed so you manage to capture the moments/ scenes quite well without them dragging on so much. However, I feel that in the first few chapters the story does kind of drag along since it’s basically just talking about Kris and Tao’s relationship and how Kris feels.
Total (88.5/100)
I have really enjoyed your story so far and I'm subscribing. I can't wait to see where you are going to take it next. Thanks for requesting and don't forget to credit us, please. Oh, and before I forget, you will be on our featured list. Yay!
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