Melting the ice between us. by BABY_ZELO15

Review by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (3/5)

My firs remark here has to do with grammar; you never put periods in title, never. Since story only has one chapter, I still don’t know how related to it the title is.

Description and Foreword(5/10)

The description is okay, it gives the reader an idea of what the story is going to be about. You had some minor grammar mistakes that I pointed out in the Language section.

For the foreword, however, you didn’t add anything, which is not too good. I, as a reader, look up to seeing the foreword before keeping on reading, because sometimes descriptions can be captivating but it is in the foreword, when I read the small segment of the story, that I decide if I like the writer’s style of writing and if I really want to keep on reading. So I suggest you to add a small excerpt from any chapter of the story, even if it’s not public yet; this will catch the reader.

Plot and Originality(5/30)

If I have to be honest; this plot line has been over used here in AFF, There are thousands of stories about arranged marriages, and a lot of them are all about Kris and the foreign girl who came to live in Korea. The bubbly and cute girl character and the ice hearted guy are over used as well. It’s not really original; with this story it is a matter of waiting to see if you’ll give it a twist.

Characterization(20/20)

The story is still beginning, so it’s really hard to evaluate this. But up until now, they haven’t done anything weird or unfitting with the description given at the beginning.

Writing Style and Language(14/25)

Foreword:

1. Bubbly and happy virus Lin Haixi or know as Lee Haesil just came back from the US from her two years studies. – When you add extra information that otherwise could be omitted from the sentence, you need to put it between commas: “[…] Lin Haixi, or known as Lee Haesil, just came […].” Also, if you’re abbreviating a name, you need to put the periods, so put “U.S.” instead of “US”, because it could be confused with the pronoun “us” being emphasized in capital letters. As a last observation, you say she has been studying for two years; you wrote it in the possessive form, so it should be like this: “[…] two years’ studies.”

2. Oh that’s until her parents find their long lost friend and decide to make an arrange marriage.- After the “Oh” you need to add a comma. And, since “arrange” is being used to describe the marriage you need to add a “d” at the end: “arranged marriage.”

3. Of course it’s them Kris and Haesil.- This sentence is missing punctuation, it should look like this: “Of course, it’s them: Kris and Haesil.”

4. In Kris characters’ description you wrote: “Never cares about others feelings.” That’s another possessive, so put it like this: “[…] others’ feelings.”

First Chapter:

1. korean, Cantonese, english- Languages, as well as months and days, always need to have capital letter: “Korean, Cantonese, English.”

2. ounce: Typo! It’s “pronounce.”

3. […] parents best friends for the time being until her parents came back. : Another possessive! It’s : “parents’ best friends.” Also, you need to add a comma before the word “until.”

4. […] and now she was told to Korea- Told to Korea? Did you mean “told to go to Korea”?

5. subburb- Another typo, it’s supposed to be “suburbs.”

6. […] realized they were many girl […] - Not “they were” because she isn’t included, but “there were.”

7. […] ‘EXO’ she didn’t understand […] – You should add a period right after EXO because you’re starting entirely a new sentence there.

8. The stranger muttered in cantonese. Making Haixin frown […]- Instead of a period, use a comma because the idea continues.

9. A young boy which was severely tall was towering over her making her insecure and scared.- You are adding info, so put a comma before “which” and after “tall.”

10. […] Mrs Wu’s number which was now her guardian. – Abbreviations always need periods; it should be “Mrs. Wu.” Also, you need to put a comma after the word “number” because you’re adding information.

*Character information at the beginning can be dangerous. You said Kris was 19 while the girl was 17 there; but in the first chapter you say they’re both 17.

I’m not marking any more mistakes; I already marked the most noticeable mistakes in which you need to work more. I feel like you didn’t proofread the chapter because there are many typos and forgotten words in sentences, which only happens when the writer is typing fast in order to write down the whole idea. You need to proofread everything; and ask a friend or someone who’s good in English to help you proofread as well in terms of grammar.

Flow(10/10) 

There’s only one chapter so far, so I can’t really evaluate the flow with that.

Total (57/100)

*I'm sorry if you think the review is harsh; please feel free to ask me if you have doubts regarding the review :) Nat