The Siren's Cry – thecafewriter

Review by OutspokenGirl612 

The Title  (5/5)

The title has the whole effect that you explained on your note you were searching for. It makes total allusion to the song while giving and angsty feeling, in my opinion. I couldn’t help but wonder if this “cry” meant a scream, shedding tears, or both mixed into a feeling of despair. Yet, at the same time, it gives a feeling of magic and I can’t really predict whether the story will end happily or sadly. And that is definitely a good thing.  And, now, after reading the last Chapter you posted, I see the total relevance of the title in this story.

Description and Foreword(10/10)

The description is accurate and straight to the point, perfect for a reader who wants an idea about what he/she’s about to read.

The foreword…what can I say? As usual, you managed to mesmerize me with it. The introduction you give to your main character here, while giving the background to “The Little Mermaid” manages to hook up really easily. Great, great, great.

As an extra note: the poster is really pretty and soothing to the eye of the reader.

Plot and Originality(28/30)

If there’s something really difficult and challenging for an author, it’s to remake a story that’s already written, especially if it’s a famous one. Mainly because the idea is to outdo it and it will be subject to comparisons and harsh comments. I think I have already seen people here in AFF working with the idea of “Baby don’t cry” as well as “The Little Mermaid”, but I don’t recall seeing them mixed like this. I also really like the idea of seeing the whole process and things she gets to do in order to get what she wants; other stories with this theme only emphasize on the bigger events and forget the details and don’t even try to enter the mind of the main character. Even so, you have done your research and used actual facts from different sources. I congratulate you for that; it is important for an author to be well informed of the topic he/she is going to write about.

Characterization(20/20)

I don’t even know what to say here. Your characters are amazing! You definitely gave much thought as to what each one of them feel and what they want; seriously, they are so well written that they are a 100% believable.

Writing Style and Language(22/25)

Your writing style, like always, is amazing. But you got some typo’s here and there, so I pointed them out for you.

1. Fourth paragraph from the foreword- Directly underneath the human, it would impossible for him to see her. You forgot the “be” before impossible.

2. Chapter 2- He thought for sure that after saving margarita girl that he would die. - The second “that” located after “girl” isn’t necessary.

3. Chapter 3- “Is that mermaid?!”- You need to add the article “a” before “mermaid”.

4. Chapter 5- “So how long is this does this last?”- I think you mixed two different sentence structures here, so just take out the “is this”.

5. Chapter 5- “Jinyu watched him walked back to the older girl”- “walked” is in an incorrect tense, it should be in infinitive.

6. Chapter 8- Jinyu clenched her shut a moment- I think you left a word, “mouth” perhaps?

7. Chapter 9- “Where the restrooms”- You forgot the verb “are” there.

8. Chapter 9- His thoughts were interrupted when accidentally stepped on someone’s foot, - You’re missing a “he” after the “when.”

9. Chapter 10- He took his hand from Jinyu’s mouth and he glared at him- I think you meant “she glared” instead of “he glared.”

10. Chapter 12- Somehow I don’t magic could turn someone into a mindless, killing machine.- You forgot the word “think” after “don’t.”

11. Chapter 13: - He was a man who take her away from them and lock her up and use her to further his studies without an ounce of respect. – I think you’re missing a “would” after “a man who.”

12. Chapter 13: “I’ll called Chanyeol…”- You don’t need the verb “will” there, since the action is already done.

13. Chapter 16: Jinyu  told him about how her love for him grew ever since then and he desperate she became to be with him- Instead of “he desperate” I think you meant “how desperate.”

Flow(9/10) 

The story is going well, maybe some would find it a bit slow, but I think it’s great that you take your time in writing more detailed about Jinyu’s experiences in the human world, since her reactions are different. I also like that you established a tangible time limit for her to complete her mission; it gives the story more credibility and the pace is more noticeable.

Total (94/100)

*It’s great the initiative you took with the green tips, apart from showing how much you care for the environment; using the story for this purpose is a fun and creative way to teach and foment a caring attitude towards the planet.

*What can I say? You’re not one of my favorite authors here in AFF for nothing; the way you take care of the details and give the attention and importance to grammar that it deserves makes your stories pot out from the rest. Your stories are more than fanfiction, and, in fact, if you changed the names of the idols and they became normal stories instead of fics I would still be addicted to reading them. You’re going to be great one day, keep it up! :D