• A/N1: This is only a filler chapter from Suho’s perspective, and flashbacks about the beginning of his relationship with Sehun, it won’t have any story progress, so if you’re not interested you can skip it. (But it will be nice if you read it…). ‘Summary’ is in the end of this chapter.
• A/N2: Should I start to tag this fic as angst…?
• Warning: may cause gloomy feeling (you may want to stay away, SHINeejjang), contains slight homouality and (not really, though, they’re only cousins…). And, it’s boring. You’ve been warned.
• For surong-exopink, because her (his?) favorite is Kim Joonmyeon.

Prelude In G Minor – Yiruma

Joonmyeon always wanted to belong.

If Sehun’s feeling was the price he had to pay, he would accept it.

Joonmyeon noticed the unspoken things.

Growing up as a mistress’ child did things to Kim Joonmyeon. He’s always careful and thought about his actions thoroughly because he knew he carried his mother’s name – people already judged him and his mother, there’s no need to add more reasons for them to do so. He tried his best at everything, because he wanted to make his father proud and to make his step-mother acknowledge him. He’s became a considerate kid, secretly hoping people would treat him the same.  But mostly, Joonmyeon learnt to read people – the murmurs happened behind his back, the dissatisfied and unapproved look that flashed in his step mother’s face.

It just happened, how he saw the upset glances her step mother threw at his father, how he realized the helpers’ smile didn’t reach their eyes when they talked to Joonmyeon, how he noticed his step sister’s lips pressed together whenever his father praised him.

At first Joonmyeon smiled because he didn’t want to make his father worried. Then he smiled to make his step mother and step sister like him. Soon Joonmyeon smiled to bury his real emotions, so people couldn’t read him like he read people, so people wouldn’t know how unworthy he truly was.  

Joonmyeon feared rejection.

The best he could do, was to make people like him.

By being perfect.

By smiling.

Joonmyeon always wanted to be wanted.

And little Oh Sehun made him feel more wanted than ever.

Joonmyeon only met his uncle a couple times, one of them was during his mother’s funeral. He couldn’t say he knew the man very well, so it surprised Joonmyeon when his uncle asked him to move in with him – insisted, even.

He faintly remembered his cousin, Oh Sehun, the small, thin boy with sharp chin and shy smile that always hided behind his mother. They never played together or anything, and his uncle said now little Sehun was already in junior high. Joonmyeon was beyond nervous on the way to his new home.

What if his aunt actually opposed the idea of having Joonmyeon under their roof? What if Sehun didn’t want to share his parents’ attention? What if they hated him? What if he’s being left again?

Along the way, Joonmyeon kept on reminding himself to smile, to be polite, to bow 90 degree, to greet, to talk in clear voice, to keep on smiling whatever his aunt and Sehun did – the list continued.

All in all, he didn’t expect to be welcomed by a wide smile and a hug from his aunt. And it stunned Joonmyeon when he saw Sehun – because Sehun looked excited by his arrival. He’s still small and thin, he didn’t say anything, but he smiled shyly when he’s caught red-handed stealing glances at Joonmyeon.

Later that night at dinner when his aunt ruffled his hair and asked him if Joonmyeon wanted more rice, it hit him so hard that Joonmyeon did something he hadn’t do in a long time – crying. He’s so embarrassed and he was so sure that he would get hated by doing so, but his aunt just hugged him, his uncle patted his back, and he could tell Sehun was restless in his seat, didn’t know what to do to comfort him. Sehun ended with reaching his hand carefully, and Joonmyeon held his hand tight. It probably hurt Sehun’s hand, but the younger kid didn’t complain.

Joonmyeon finally found where he could belong.  

Joonmyeon noticed the unspoken things.

Naturally, he picked up his kid cousin’s admiration to him.

His uncle and his aunt asked him to be nice to Sehun, and Joonmyeon happily did so. It wasn’t hard, he liked little Sehun anyway. The shy kid had this habit of secretly copying Joonmyeon – like when he suddenly walked straighter and calmer and his mother stared too long when Oh Sehun bowed perfectly at her. His eyes always sparkled whenever Joonmyeon called him, he followed Joonmyeon around, and he listened very well to whatever Joonmyeon told him.

Sehun’s innocence made Joonmyeon smiled easier.

And to be honest, it felt good to be admired.

In return, Joonmyeon took care of Sehun like a real brother he never had. Even though they were only two years apart, Sehun’s naivety and Joonmyeon’s matureness made it seemed like the was bigger. One of the things Joonmyeon did for Sehun was tutoring him.

Joonmyeon studied hard not for nothing, he always ranked high in his class, in school even, and he went into a good high school too. But he achieved it through hard work and hours of study, and he realized that Sehun didn’t need all of that to achieved the same thing or even more.

One time, Joonmyeon slipped and mentioned his jealousy to Sehun.

“You’re so smart, Sehun-ah, you don’t need me to teach you this. I was having a hard time to understand this part, but you get it so easily,” Joonmyeon complained while sulking in Sehun’s room, Sehun’s books scattered open in his desk. “I envy you, Sehun-ah.”

“Ah, no, Hyung, I understand it because you’re so good at explaining!” Sehun quickly said. “Why do you envy me, Hyung, it should be the other way around. Not only you’re smart, you’re good at everything, you’re class rep right?” Young Sehun raked his brain for more compliments, he didn’t like seeing Joonmyeon down, “And, and, do you know the neighborhood aunts like you so much? I heard them in the market the last time Mom told me to buy vegetables, they said they want you as their son, or as their son-in-law, and… an aunt even said she wishes she’s younger because of you!” Sehun said the last sentence with a blush on his cheeks.

Joonmyeon laughed and ruffled Sehun’s hair. “Is that so? Sehun-ah, in a couple of years the aunts will talk about you instead!”

Sehun tried to fix his hair that Joonmyeon tousled but to no use. He sighed, hating his messy hair that seemed plotting to grow to the opposite direction Sehun wanted them to. Sehun glanced at Joonmyeon and secretly wished his hair was like Joonmyeon’s, jet black and smooth and they looked very nice too. Joonmyeon noticed his stare and raised his eyebrows, showing his blinding smile.  

Sehun looked down to his lap. “I’m the one who envy you, Joonmyeon Hyung,” he said lowly.

Joonmyeon creased his eyebrows, suddenly getting wary. He remembered his step sister, who never able to look genuinely proud of anything Joonmyeon achieved, and that’s how Joonmyeon learnt about siblings’ rivalry. He didn’t want to compete with Sehun, Sehun had all the right of his parents’ love, Joonmyeon was content with what he had now. Was he being too much? Should he try less?

“Why, Sehun-ah? … Do you hate Hyung?”

 “W-What? Of course not, Hyung!” Sehun shook his head, as if he’s horrified by the idea of hating Joonmyeon. “Y-you’re wonderful, Hyung!” he blurted out. “I-I… I like you.” Sehun hang his head even lower, he’s red up until his ears.

You’re wonderful. I like you.

Joonmyeon stunned with the words because no one ever said those words to him. He felt his heart full with something he couldn’t explain, and he stood up to hug Sehun.

“Hyung likes you too, Sehun-ah.”

Joonmyeon wasn’t aware that the ‘like’ Sehun had for him was different with what he had for Sehun.

Joonmyeon should be noticing the unspoken things.

But his ability failed him when he needed it the most.

He realized it too late.

Why Sehun’s books got dirty like they had been trampled and thrown (“I dropped them the other day,” Sehun smiled weakly) and sometimes the books even all wrinkled and dried up (“You dropped them in water?” and Sehun just nodded quietly), why his aunt suddenly complained about Sehun’s uniform (“It’s great that you’ve been playing a lot, Sehunnie, but please be more careful with your uniform? The dirt is hard to clean.”), why Sehun got home later than he used too (“I… played… with my friends,” Sehun answered, and Joonmyeon dismissed his question about Sehun’s uncertainty because Sehun having friends are great), why he always ran out of pocket money (“Lately I don’t see you snacking at all, Sehun-ah, don’t tell me you’re on a diet?!” Joonmyeon joked around and Sehun only smiled, avoiding eye contacts), why Sehun lost his stationery (“I’m sorry, Mom, just cut my next week allowance,” Joonmyeon heard his cousin said when he asked for more money to buy new pens), and there were a lot of things that should have ticked Joonmyeon earlier.

One of them was, Sehun smiled less and less.     

One day Joonmyeon decided to pick Sehun up from his school, he’s having a good day and he wanted to treat Sehun. It’s been a while since they spent time together too, maybe Sehun’s in a mood for a movie or karaoke.

He waited outside Sehun’s school for fifteen minutes before he started to feel uneasy. The other students were already walking home but there’s no sign of Sehun. But it wasn’t until Joonmyeon overheard two students talked that his heart dropped.

“Are they beating up Oh Sehun again? I kind of feel pity for him,” a boy said while walking passed the school’s gate.

Joonmyeon turned his head, wondering if he misheard the talk.

“Yah, don’t be friends with him, don’t you hear? Oh Sehun is gay!” his friend replied, and that’s all Joonmyeon needed to yank the boy’s arm.

“What did you say?”

“Wha— Who are you? Let me go!” the boy struggled but Joonmyeon tighten his grip.

“What did you say about Oh Sehun?!” Joonmyeon shouted to his face. “What about him gets beat up?! Where is he now?!”

“H-Hyungnim, let him go. Oh Sehun... He’s probably in the backyard... That way,” his friend quickly helped him, scared with the strange older guy that probably could break their bones judging by his angry face right now.

Joonmyeon ran into the direction, and when he saw Sehun, his Sehun, curled up on the ground, trying to protect his face while several boys kicked his body mercilessly, Joonmyeon lost it all.  

“... YAAAH!” Joonmyeon shouted, throwing his bag to the side and rushing to Sehun.

The bullies were startled and Joonmyeon managed to grab one of them, hitting him in the face without even thought twice. The boy he hit fell to his friend, immediately having his lips cut by Joonmyeon’s punch. Joonmyeon grabbed another one before they scrambled away, Joonmyeon’s ears picked up words like Run! and He’s crazy! and He must be the brother! and !.

Joonmyeon held the boy in front of him by the collar, pulling him up until he’s on his toes. “If you and your friends dare to even touch Sehun ever again..., I swear… I will kill you.”

He threw the boy the ground who quickly dragged his left-behind friend away with him, shouting, “FAGGOTS!” when they already out of Joonmyeon’s reach.

“Sehun, Sehun, Oh Sehun,” Joonmyeon kneeled in the ground and tried to pry away Sehun’s arms that covering his face. “Sehun-ah, are you okay?” his heart almost stopped beating when Sehun, slowly, opened his eyes and his lips cracked into a weak smile he saw Joonmyeon.

“… Joonmyeon Hyung… I’m sorry…”

Sehun begged him to keep quiet about the bullying and to not tell his parents, and Joonmyeon complied half-heartedly. He kept an eye to Sehun, though; every day he would check Sehun’s books and he would search his body for even the tiniest bruise because Joonmyeon wasn’t kidding about his threat.  

It’s his fault, Joonmyeon thought. Sehun’s feeling, the bullying, they’re his faults. If only he noticed the way Sehun looked at him was different. If only he noticed how Sehun wasn’t smiling like before.

If only Joonmyeon noticed the unspoken things from Sehun.

It’s alright.

Like the promise he made to Sehun when he held Sehun in his arms that day.

“… Joonmyeon Hyung… I’m sorry…”

“It’s alright, Sehun-ah. It’s okay. You don’t do anything wrong. It’s Hyung. Hyung is sorry…”

Sehun’s feeling to him; it’s alright.

Sehun could keep them if he wanted.

And Joonmyeon would carry it as long as Sehun kept it.

Years before he met Jin Seyeon, Kim Joonmyeon already decided that he would do anything for Oh Sehun.

In his second year in high school, Joonmyeon met Park Chanyeol; a ball of happiness. Chanyeol made Joonmyeon remember that smiles and laughs should be effortless.

He started to bring Chanyeol home. He did want to learn to play guitar from the younger, but he also hoped that Chanyeol and his goofy self could be friends with Sehun. Because even though he’s no longer being bullied, Sehun didn’t return to the old Sehun. He still smiled from time to time to his parents, sometimes to Joonmyeon, but it’s just different and most of the times he had this stoic, poker face on.

Sehun went to the same high school as Joonmyeon and he got better, with EXO and the new environment, new friends. Chanyeol and Baekhyun saw the way Joonmyeon treated Sehun and they joked about Joonmyeon as Sehun’s guardian, always ready to protect him and things – hence the nickname Suho and soon all of them, even his friends, started to call him Suho.

Chanyeol was the only one who dared to ask about it.

“Hyung… I don’t mean to be rude, but don’t you think you babied Sehun too much?”

Joonmyeon trusted Chanyeol a lot. Despite his seemingly easy-going personality, he showed high loyalty to his friends. So he told him everything, from his past to Sehun’s bullying – leaving the detail about the real reason behind the bullying.

Chanyeol was silent for a moment after Joonmyeon’s story. “… I understand, but Hyung, it will only make Sehun depend on you more.”

Joonmyeon smiled. “It’s alright,” he said, “Sehun can depend on me as long as he wants.”

Because honestly, Joonmyeon needed being needed.

“I love you.”

Joonmyeon had been confessed to multiple times. He realized over time that those simple words comforted him; they’re proves that he was wanted, needed. And they’re not the same as Sehun’s ‘You’re wonderful, Hyung. I like you.’, but they’re okay.

Joonmyeon liked being liked.

After Sehun’s incident, Joonmyeon tried harder to notice the unspoken things.

For example, the way Sehun kept on staring when he’s with his girl friends. Without Joonmyeon needed to tell him, Sehun knew which one of the friends that weren’t just friends. Most of the times Sehun didn’t say anything, either he stared longer or he looked away completely, refusing to look at Joonmyeon’s eyes. If he hated the girl, however, he would say it straight to Joonmyeon’s face.

“Don’t be with her, Hyung.”

They never openly talked about Sehun’s feeling to him, but Joonmyeon read to Sehun’s simplest gestures. The touches, the stares, the glances, the words; everything.

Sehun still had that feeling to him.

And it’s alright.

Joonmyeon would choose Sehun over countless ‘I love you’.

So Joonmyeon never in too deep, and whenever Sehun disapproved, Joonmyeon took it as a sign for him to leave them behind – even before the relationship started. 

Joonmyeon should be noticing the unspoken things.

And his ability failed him when he needed it the most.

Again.

She started as something to be conquered. He knew her, the Ice Princess that never looked at him at the campus. It didn’t matter for Joonmyeon, he’s not that desperate for attention – now he had plenty from others.

But then Seyeon looked at him for the first time and Joonmyeon wanted her to look at him more.

And it’s amusing how Seyeon reacted to him; the pulls and pushes were entertaining.

When Sehun looked like he’s going to disapprove again, Joonmyeon realized Seyeon was a different case for him. He held longer to Seyeon, hoping that Sehun would change his mind, hoping Sehun would, finally, shifted his heart – because it’s already three years.

Joonmyeon reminded himself that he would choose Sehun over ‘I love you’, but the thing was Seyeon never said those words. Not ever, and Joonmyeon still felt wanted and needed.

Joonmyeon didn’t understand, but he knew he was glad when Sehun accepted Seyeon. Maybe Sehun finally changed his heart, maybe he just being understanding, didn’t matter.

Joonmyeon had Sehun and Seyeon.

“Sehun to Bomi… He doesn’t like her, right?”

“No, it can’t be, Sehun doesn’t like her.”

“How do you know? Does he tell you that? Is there anyone else that Sehun likes?”

“Well it’s because Sehun—”

At that time, Joonmyeon almost answered, “It’s because Sehun likes me, he’s gay.” but then he realized… He’s the only person Sehun ever liked, how did he know for sure that Sehun was gay? And he simply assumed Sehun always liked him, what if he didn’t feel the same way anymore?

Then, Joonmyeon started to read Sehun, again. And he recalled back to the days before.

Sehun still stared at him every times he’s with Seyeon, and sometimes he’s even stared at Seyeon – like he’s trying to find out the world’s secrets out of her. He didn’t talk to Seyeon, and when he did, he looked unwilling and reluctant and hesitant.

For Joonmyeon, it used to mean one thing only; Sehun disapproved of Seyeon.

Until Joonmyeon remembered, the day Sehun replaced Chanyeol and he stared into oblivion at something.

He was staring at Seyeon.

And that’s not the way you stared at something you hated.  

It wasn’t him that Sehun stared at whenever he’s with Seyeon, it was Seyeon all along.

When Joonmyeon put the pieces together, he blamed himself. First for not noticing Sehun’s feeling, second for not noticing Sehun’s feeling, again.

How many times Sehun had to suffer because of his obliviousness?

It’s alright, there will be another Seyeon, Joonmyeon thought as he set up for Seyeon to showed up right when he kissed that girl. There will be another Seyeon, but there’s only one Sehun.

It’s alright, Sehun will make her happy, and Sehun will be happy too, he reminded himself when he saw Seyeon running away from his house, There will be another man for Seyeon, she’ll get over it.

It’s alright, Joonmyeon, Joonmyeon tried to convince himself when Sehun lashed out at him and ran to Chanyeol, It will hurt less. You felt worse over years. You’ll get over it.

It’s alright.

Sehun’s feelings, to him, to Seyeon; they’re alright.

They’re alright.

Joonmyeon always wanted to belong.

If Sehun’s feelings were the price he had to pay, he would accept it.

Because Sehun was the first that made Joonmyeon felt belong.

In case you didn’t get it: Sehun liked Joonmyeon and Joonmyeon accepted it (as in, he’s not grossed out or anything), he even grew dependent on Sehun’s feeling, but then Sehun met Seyeon and he liked her at the first sight.

Words that I can’t say (because I won’t make Sehun’s POV): Sehun still likes Joonmyeon, he likes Joonmyeon and Seyeon both, but lately his feeling to Joonmyeon is more towards brotherly (even though it’s still not normal to be called siblings’ love). He doesn’t want Joonmyeon, he likes him and that’s that, he knows Joonmyeon won’t like him back. And I won’t call Sehun bi-ual, he just likes who he likes.  If you read this, wow, thank you so much.