I don't mind hanging out by myself, but I think I've gotten so comfortable with my own company that what (little?) social skills I had before I got into university have gone out the window. The combination of my laziness and my tendency to feel scared of -- people? I guess? (I get nervous super easily when interacting with other people, like my heart rate speeds up just before saying my lunch order to the cashier ;;;) -- make me feel like I can't make/maintain any new friendships outside the ones I had in high school, and that I'm always stuck on the awkward fringes of social groups, trying to make a connection to other people but failing. I've become sort of cynical and 'gah there's people run awaaay ;^;' as a result. That said, for the past month I've been trying to get myself out there doing new things and meeting new people, though it's been largely unsuccessful and I end up hovering in the background awkwardly or saying things that no one's interested in. I guess I just feel lonely and bundles of social fail Q^Q;

Honey, although it’s not normal, it’s okay to get scared of social interactions.

Did you know that the biggest fear apart from spiders and heights is talking in public in front of a large crowd. We’re scared of socialising because humans are judgemental creatures and some people act cold to block others out but in the end, we’re all scared of being judged. I think that maybe you have an enormous fear of that and that hinders your confidence and shining bright and being who you are. The fact that you’ve maintained your high school friendships is already a good thing so take a good look at yourself and ask yourself why you’re so scared. No one is really a social failure, they’ve probably had bad experiences and as they say, once bitten, twice shy.

This by now, you should’ve realised isn’t normal. You may have a slight problem with anxiety and some sort of social phobia.

“The person with social anxiety may or may not be falsely evaluating situations. I have known folks who were afraid to go out because they thought that people thought that they were weird. Guess what? I knew these folks, and definitely, people did think they were weird! So that wasn’t a false analysis at all.

But many social anxiety types take this way too far. They assume that everyone that they know or meet hates them, usually because of some inadequacy that they may have. People are always talking about them behind their back. Whenever anyone laughs, they are laughing about them.

I’m convinced that this is probably a false analysis. The news is that most people are not looking at you all the time. If they are laughing, most of the time, they are not laughing at you. Sometimes they are looking at you, but you often can’t tell what the looks mean. Once in a while they might be laughing at you, but what of it? Let them laugh.

The problem here is that this person thinks that the world is focused on them. Not so. Most people are just thinking about their own stuff all the time and are not thinking about you at all. If you are acting very strange, a lot of people will be more likely to pay attention to you. The more normal you act, the less people will care.”  (read more here)

I think it’s pretty commendable that you’ve tried getting out there and socialising more. Instead, how about try something more specific like integrating yourself into a club or workshop of some sort where all the people there share similar interests. You’re on AFF so I presume you write, so why not join a writer’s club or an art club where you can comfortably interact with people of similar mindsets? Also, also this is not necessary if you do not feel comfortable doing this but maybe try and talk to someone with professional advice? A lot of our own fears stem from our subconscious and things we aren’t even aware of. I wish you the best in everything.

Hwaiting!

-Love, Kim Kibum (Key) ♥