my mom always assumes the worst about me. she always finds flaws in everything i do and nothing is ever good enough for her. whenever i make a mistake, she makes me feel like i'm the worst person to ever inhabit this planet. but when she messes up, she's always too proud to apologize, still fighting to prove that she's right and i'm wrong. when we get into serious arguments, she refuses to speak to me with any form of sincerity and decency. i can't stand being around her. she always overlooks everything i do for her. and, she rarely shows affection towards me. i feel like she always sides with my younger siblings. i don't know how i can live with a person who sees me as someone so negative. it seems like everything that comes out of are critical comments; her harsh words really discourages me. i feel so worthless whenever she makes those hurtful remarks. i don't think her attitude towards me will ever change and i'm just done hoping and waiting that it will. it's sad because no matter how hard i try, i'll never be good enough for her.

Sweet-heart, you are definitely not alone on this one.

One thing I must stress beforehand is that a mother’s love is forever, it’s almost impossible for a woman (unless handicapped with psychological problems such as psychotic and sociopathic behaviour) not to feel at least the tiniest bit of attachment with a child they’ve nurtured or even given birth to. I know first-hand how a mother’s words can pierce through your self esteem and shatter it but in the end, it all boils down to her own insecurity, concerns and worry for your future. She was raised in a time where children were expected to fend for their parents and many mothers translate that to their children by allowing them to feel like they “owe” their parents something which isn’t right. Another thing that you also need to comprehend is that mothers have flaws too. She’s probably more narrow-minded than today’s generation and finds it stupid and useless to express her love in more direct ways like calling you “sweet-heart” and encouraging you. They often think its good for you to know of harshness and to know that nothing comes easily in life but this can often be mentally damaging. I’m sure all the years of negativity have been taking their toll on you and your self esteem.

Mothers often don’t admit fault because they assume it is a sign of ‘weakness” and lack of authority when in reality, children just want to be treated with a sense of sincerity and decency. Mothers are often worrying; they are incessantly and unnecessarily worrying about everything and that can translate to harshness and demeaning if not almost mocking remarks. It is quite safe to say that mothers like this are not in a good mental state (now this is not suggestive of mental disorders or anything but there is a certain level of negativity in her life that she needs to get rid of). Unfortunately, she may also be wallowing in self pity because everyone, to be completely honest likes to be the victim. No one loves assuming responsibility for everything so instead, they like to push the blame on other people and do everything at all costs to prevent themselves from becoming the villain. This is a mentality present in many Asian (especially Chinese) mothers and many children suffer under this kind of unstable emotional climate.

You cannot change your mother and never hope for her to change. Yes, she may be doing a million things wrong but she irrevocably loves you and her mentality has been rooted in her brain for probably over forty years so that is incredibly hard to change. You do need to lay down your own boundaries though and never react in an angry or violent way, speak diplomatically and calmly and once you’ve set up your limits, don’t back down from them. Mothers are good manipulators of their children because they have a powerful tool called “guilt”. Make sure to never resist her in an argument and this way, she’ll have nothing to vent her stress and anger against. Make her feel as if she is speaking to a wall, this will make her lose interest in demeaning or mocking you and once she feels your subtle change (standing up for yourself) she’ll back down a bit more and over time, give up.

Children often feel the need to receive affection from their mothers and rightly so but sadly in some cases, children just don’t get that. You may not notice it but you probably are quite a bit dependant on your mother’s affection and approval so starting from today, build a newer and stronger support system. Don’t stop loving your mother but distance yourself from needing her approval and become more independent as a whole. This will improve the quality of your family life, and make you a stronger person. Most of all, this is going to be an emotional rollercoaster ride so I wish you the best.

- Love, Kris ♥

(Author ramblings: Sweet baby corn, your mum is the exact replica of mine and one thing I should let you know is that I’m still struggling everyday to not let her poisonous words get to me. I think a lot of my readers probably think that I’ve lived through many hardships and emerged as a stronger person but in reality, I’m just a normal girl. Ever since day one of my life, I’ve never heard my mom call me anything like “angel” or “beautiful”, it was like she made it her job to keep me grounded. Unfortunately, she’s kept me so grounded I find it hard to work to my own potential and fly high. Everything I’ve done in my life honestly is for her. Because she’s had cancer twice, has severe kidney problems, osteoporosis, severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder, a broken thigh bone and a skin graft due to infection in the chest and I’ve just kind of become her bodyguard over time. She can’t even speak English so I have to accompany her everywhere and if I don’t, suddenly I’m “lazy” and “useless”. It’s become so hard for me to keep the pressure from schoolwork (I happen to go to an incredibly competitive and prestigious academic high school), my peers and my mum from eating me inside out. I smile so bright for everyone, but inside I’m slowly breaking to pieces because my mum is just like a tonne of bricks just weighing me down. If I’ve had a bad day, she never has anything good to say about me and when I need support and love from her the most, I get a fifteen minute tirade that just about shatters my heart into pieces. She's always so negative, there's literally nothing good about me she can point out. At one point, she made me so insecure about myself that I cried myself to sleep for days because I could never accept myself 100% if my own mother couldn't. Ever since the age of six, she's told me to get double eyelid surgery and one thing I can tell you is that is not a healthy thing to say to a child. She's always right, she's always the victim, she's never wrong. But I know she loves and I know I love her so for now, I’m going to slowly move towards emotional independence and my own goals and dreams. This is a journey we can take together, so please don’t hesitate to talk to me as well because this is my story and it’s kind of hard to share since I’m not good with expressing my emotions. I’m always just the bright, bubbly one that I’ve lost touch. I don’t even know how to act sad around my friends. I just wanted to let you know, you’re really not alone in this.Also, there are really, really good online resources that I've researched for you: 1|| 2|| 3)